Every moment is precious

A few weeks ago I did a candlelit dinner for Karen.  She has tried to do one for us several times since we have been married but something always came up or went wrong so we had never really had one.  I decided I needed to make it happen for her so I made our favorite meal.  Fettuccine alfredo with garlic pepper and basil seasoned cherry tomatoes, and grilled chicken.  We had some sparkling cider to go with it and for dessert had mousse pie (made by Karen's mother from milk chocolate, cool whip, and cream cheese on a gluten free graham cracker crust).

Later in the weekend we went for a walk up the road.  Originally it was just supposed to be me and the kids but Karen had my mom get her wheelchair out and start pushing her up the lane.  When I noticed what was happening I turned the kids around and went back.  I pushed Karen in the chair up the road and stopped at the canal.  Later in the day we walked over to the neighbor's where the kids were able to see the goats.

This past Saturday we relaxed in the morning and in the afternoon had some family pictures taken.  Karen conserved her energy in the morning and was very active for the pictures (I will post some when we have them).

Sunday I took the kids to church while Karen stayed home with her mom.  My sister, Katrina, and her husband, Nate, stopped by in the early afternoon and then her brother, Phil, and his wife, Jordan.  In a way it was bitter sweet to see them.

The last few weeks Karen hasn't been able to put the kids to bed so the other night I took them to her one at a time.  She is so weak standing up is an effort for her.  Her body is shutting down bit by bit which has been very difficult to watch and know there is nothing we can do.

We try to make life as enjoyable as possible for her.  The owners of the local Jamba Juice gave Karen a gift card which I often use to grab a smoothie which she ends up splitting it with the kids.

Emotionally, it has been a difficult couple of weeks since Karen began hospice.  She has gotten much weaker and sleeps much of the time.  It has been hard to watch such a vibrantly active person become home bound.  She does still get out of bed in the morning with help but it is purely an act of will on her part.  There are still sweet moments between her, James, and Rebecca but they have become fewer as the days go by.

Speaking with Karen's hospice nurse makes us realize the time is short and it can be measured in weeks or even days.  With this knowledge, tears have come more frequently for me in the past week than they have since she was diagnosed just over two years ago.  Knowing I will see her again and reconciling that with the ache in my soul at being separated for probably several decades will take time, patience, and love to accomplish.  She has been a part of my life in one form or another for almost 25 years and I will miss seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, and watching her play with or read stories to the kids.  I have pictures and videos, but it isn't the same as holding her hand, giving her a hug, or tickling her feet.

The saying that 'parting is such sweet sorrow' is very appropriate.  Seeing her essentially trapped in a body that isn't working has me longing for her release from this life some days.  Other days I am grateful for every second she can spend with us.  Most of the time I am somewhere in between while hoping and praying to be able to accept what is happening.

During this time the hospice staff, volunteers, ward members, and family have been very supportive and attentive to our needs.  It is difficult to express the love and appreciation I feel for everyone and what you do for my wife and children on a daily basis, often with no thought of being rewarded or even thanked for your efforts.  I will try to keep everyone updated but it has not been easy to find the time to keep everyone that knows and loves Karen up to date on her condition.

Braden