Pondering and Pontificating (for my own benefit)

For the past while I have been feeling like I should put some effort into dating yet I haven't 'felt' like it. Until the last week I hadn't really dug into why I wasn't very interested and put it down to fatigue and being jaded with the dating 'games'. The last couple of days I have had some time on my hands due to a holiday that was more quiet than usual for some reason (hmm). Anyway, it hit me that I am afraid of making a mistake. I am afraid of choosing the wrong person and things ending up in a divorce. I am afraid of things not working out and wasting my time. I am afraid of being rejected. I am afraid of hurting someone. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of my kids suffering for my mistake. In short I am afraid to try again. Part of that is due to reading and hearing about failure rates of second marriages and the troubles kids can have in them, whether they are successful or not. Another reason is due to break ups and mistakes and missteps in relationships. Some of you reading this may not realize it but many of those breakups stir up the grief and loss. Whenever that happens it feels like that raw and sensitive wound is being torn into. For a time it's like I have lost Karen all over again. The door opens to the past grief and while it's a familiar companion that I know how to cope with it still takes time to regain my balance. In those times I feel like a reeling punch drunk fighter doing everything possible to keep another blow from landing, and failing. While thinking things over I realized it's impossible to avoid the pain so I have to learn to live with it and even embrace it. In much the same way I have come to embrace the challenge of going faster or further on my bike, lifting more weight, doing more reps, or stumbling through a new piece of music on the piano I want and need to learn to embrace this other pain. In a lot of ways I have come to be oaky with being single because it's easier, and it's safer. Yet many times the easy or safe choice isn't the right way. That pain is already a part of who I am and by avoiding it or denying it I am really denying a part of myself. It's okay to get hurt, to feel the pain. What I think isn't okay is when I wallow in the pain or allow it to chase me away from the possibility of something wonderful, the possibility of things actually working out with someone. I have let that fear dictate my actions in some subtle and not so subtle ways. Looking back over the last several months it's easy to see the self sabotage, the pushing people away, and the hiding from opportunities (yes there have been some even in the middle of a pandemic). Lasting change doesn't happen overnight so I am going to apply the lessons learned elsewhere to this and see how it goes. That means I will focus more on what can go right and less to what might go wrong. I am a firm believer in 'you find what you're looking for' which means I can find a gem because that is what I'm looking for. Sometimes a gem is in plain sight but many times it has to be sought in unusual places. If you have read this far thanks for humoring my pontification of these ponderings. I'll step down from my soap box now and let myself get on with living life! Braden

Gratitudes - written from the heart

Earlier this week I had the thought to do some writing here and to 'write what came into my heart'.  My previous post was more of a journal entry without much of what is on my mind or in my heart right now.  What follows is some of that.  Since the end of August I have been writing down in my journal three things I am grateful for each day.  The first day this is what I wrote:

• Grateful for tickle fights with my kids and their laughter.
• Grateful for the ability to exercise.
• Grateful for a safe place to sleep and be comfortable.

Today I wrote:

• Grateful to be busy with callings and for the opportunities they provide to be around people.
• Grateful to hear my kids laughing as we wrestled today.
• Grateful to see my kids playing in the snow and enjoying the first snowfall of the season this morning.

As you can imagine, or may know from experience, some days that task has been easier than others.  Today it was a little easier and after I was finished a few big things came to mind.  Those big things reminded me of how far I have come and actually how little this pandemic has really affected those things.  In many ways recent events have reinforced them.

Each of the items on my list can be summarized under one 'gratitude' - I am grateful for the ability to learn, change, and grow with the help of God and others.  Yesterday while biking I saw a heavy set guy jogging.  Seeing him I wanted to yell out and say something like, "Great job!  Keep it up!  You are me 10 years ago and 4 years ago I wasn't even biking.  You got this!"  Looking at who I was a little over 10 years ago, what I valued, and more importantly where I was headed are some scary and sobering thoughts.

The job I had was killing me because I wasn't setting healthy boundaries to handle the stress well and I was lacking some key coping skills.  Church and faith were not high on my priority list.  I ate whatever I felt like whenever I felt like it.  I rarely exercised and had convinced myself I was still in okay shape.  That despite spending hours in front of the computer at work and once home often spending hours gaming at night.  I was isolated from good relationships, even my relationship with my wife.  A part of me knew something had to be done, changes needed to be made, and I needed to act.

Moving to a new city, starting a new job, coming back to church, beginning to exercise, and changing my life was not easy.  Some habits I hung onto for quite a while, like eating and gaming to name two.  I faced challenges with physical activity; sprained ankles, plantar fasciitis, and even my temper when playing basketball.  Looking back I am so grateful for Karen, family, coworkers, neighbors, ward members, and customers at work during that time.  Since Karen passed I have had tendinitis, a partial knee replacement, shoulder trouble, and carpal tunnel syndrome.  Those experiences and many other since have taught me how to handle the stress in my life, how to develop and nurture good relationships, how to have faith and trust God through hard times, how to remember, how to forget, how to apologize, how to forgive, how to keep trying when it feels like hope is gone, how to survive, then how to live, and now how to thrive.

Like everyone else I am an imperfect person trying to do the best I can which means I have to be reminded of those past lessons from time to time.  Sometimes the refresher course is painful or embarrassing yet in the end I am grateful for them.  Not always in the moment but usually afterwards when I have the perspective of a little hindsight.

For those wondering how I handle stress now I will list a few things that help.  Sometimes it's as simple as a distraction but for larger problems finding a way to change my perspective is important.  Much of the time it's about identifying an unmet or unfulfilled need so this acronym is helpful - BLAST (bored, lonely, anxious, stressed, tired).  Finding a constructive way to meet or fulfill that need is what I try to do.  Please keep in mind I am not perfect in using these, or at anything really, but I do keep trying and I think that's the key, even when motivation is gone keep trying!

• Playing piano (I started lessons a little over 4 years ago)
• Biking or other forms of exercise - I have to really push my body to the limits sometimes but having the time to think helps
• Having fun with my kids
• Listening to or reading conference talks
• Listening to audio books
• Singing - I'm not very good so it's only in the car or the shower
• Talking to someone - it doesn't even have to be anything I am worried about
• Getting out and having fun
• Writing
• Helping someone else - selfless service gets my mind off of me and my own problems
• Reading a book
• Reading scriptures
• Meditation
• Deep breathing
• Acceptance
• Fear setting (stoicism and it's probably not what you think)
• Going for a drive
• Hanging out with a friend
• Cataloging - identifying 3 objects and their function
• GRATITUDE - this one is HUGE for me!
• Less sugar - more fruits and vegetables
• Less social media
• More sleep

I hope this helps someone because just writing it has helped me to remember once again how far I have come.  There is still a very long way to go but it's not so overwhelming when I remember the past and all of those successes.

Braden

P.S.

This is something James wrote.

I think he still misses his mommy!!

Why was Halloween cancelled?!

Halloween has come and gone once again.  With the pandemic things were a bit different though I did try to keep it as normal as possible.  James and Becca both wanted to dress as characters from Spiderman.  Becca got to be the Ghost-Spider while James asked to be Spiderman.  Unfortunately all of the classic Spiderman costumes were either sold out or too small for him.  There was a costume from the 'Universe 2' Spiderman a.k.a. Mile Morales.  Don't ask me what that all means because I'm a little lost with all the different versions of Spiderman out there now!

Trick-or-treating was only done at our house.  My parents and I each manned an outside door while the kids went randomly between each of the 3 doors asking for candy.  It wasn't ideal but they had fun and we made sure to give out a handful or two of candy each time they knocked.

Tick or treating.

Becca with two bags for candy!

James caught up and got his bag back.

Later James asked me why Halloween was cancelled.  I explained it wasn't cancelled and pointed out he was able to dress up, go trick-or-treating, and enjoy time with family.  COVID has really done a number on things!  I recently found out that Becca has been worried about her friends at daycare getting sick because they don't wear masks and hug each other.  How we approach explanations as adults really has an affect on the world view of our kids, sometimes in ways we don't expect.  At the very least I may need to talk with someone at school.

Carving pumpkins!

On a side note, and perhaps a bit morbid, I learned that I passed away.  At least according to the letter addressed to my 'estate' from a collection service that specializes in debt collections from the estates of deceased persons.  I wonder how long it will take to straighten things out and how this latest mix up happened...

Picture day for the kids was delayed a couple of weeks ago due to 'technical difficulties'.  It was probably a good things since I hadn't paid for a picture package.  By the time the make up day had rolled around we were good to go.

Picture day with hair all combed and shirts picked ou!

After dinner the other night I was talking to my mom:

Me:  I'm feeling pretty good tonight.  I did something for everyone in the family today.

James:  You didn't do anything for me!

Me:  I made you dinner.

James:  Dinner sucked.

A little later after talking to him about being nice:

James:  Ok, dinner was good but I didn't like it.

It's not only about teaching honesty but also teaching how and when to use it, or maybe ways to be lovingly honest and using tact.

Dinner.

Last Sunday the kids asked to drive to the 'water cave'.  At first I was a little puzzled by what they meant but after a few questions I realized they meant Ricks Springs.  Its just off the road up the canyon and they have been there a few times.  Before we had driven halfway there James and Becca were asking me, "Are we there yet?"  I told them no and they kept asking every minute or two.  A couple of minutes before the pullout they asked to turn around and go home.  I let them know it was close and kept going but it I wonder if there have been times when have turned around just before I got to something I wanted because I didn't realize how close I was...

Climbing some rocks at the 'water cave'

Melting pumpkins

Braden

Random thoughts

Several years ago someone told me it wouldn't be wise to start a romantic relationship around an anniversary date or a special time of year.  At first it sounded like solid advice to me.

However, looking at things logically it would be almost impossible for me to find a time of year that wasn't special in one way or another to me and Karen after having been in each others' lives for 20+ years.  Let me take you through each month of the year keeping in mind this is off of the top of my head without consulting a calendar or journal.

January - New Years and lots of memories there with fun in the snow or trips to visit friends and family as well as a stay in the ICU at Huntsman after a surgery.

February - Well, duh Valentine's Day... plus there is the whole birthday for Becca and the cancer diagnosis along with the start of our last family vacation.  I almost forgot a stay in the ICU.

March - Karen was released from the hospital after almost passing away plus James was born.  It was also the time of most of our last family vacation.

April - Our last date, our last walk together and so many other lasts including her last breath not to mention her funeral.

May - Engagement anniversary, Mother's Day, her birthday, and Memorial Day.

June - My birthday, Father's Day and the start of summer.

July - 4th and 24th of July holidays and so many fun times in the summer with parades, vacations, and family reunions.  There was also the last time we moved, her colectomy, and her radio embolization.

August - Wedding date and anniversary trips along with our move away from Cache Valley.

October - Halloween with all the decorations, pumpkin carving, parties, etc.

November - Clean up from Halloween then Thanksgiving and all those memories along with a memorable hospital stay due to dehydration.

December - Christmas and the start of winter as well as all the trips we took together.  Not to mention the first time we held hands!

So that leaves September to meet, court, get engaged, plan a wedding and get married.  I guess that means better luck to me next year :D

Oh wait!!  September has Labor Day, and our epic first family vacation with both James and Becca.  The one where we took a 10 day 2000 mile road trip when both kids were under 2 in between Karen undergoing chemo treatments.  I guess I am just plain out of luck then!

In all seriousness, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of Karen.  The vast majority of those days it is a somewhat muted longing for her voice, her words, her wisdom, her counsel, her laugh, her humor, or her touch.  Occasionally those thoughts and feelings are quite poignant or sharp, threatening to drag me into the dark abyss of grief and pain.  Thankfully those dark times are few and far between now.

The point of the advice given I think is more to look at where the focus of my life is.  After all I don't want to be getting involved with someone when my thoughts are really focused on someone else.  Is that focus in the past or perhaps the no longer attainable dreams with a departed spouse?  Or is that focus in the present with the memories being created and unfolding before my eyes moment to moment?

Just a few things I have thought about over the last few years.

I have plans for tomorrow and tomorrow is today!

Braden

Time Slides on by

It has been an interesting year so far, as in the Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times!"  Kids finished up the end of the 2019-20 school year at home.  The summer was fun with lots of small trips and mini adventures spending time outdoors and with family.  The 2020-21 school year began with the kids going back to school everyday, albeit with masks and a slightly shorter school day.

There have been a few things on my mind lately one of which being the challenges we all face.  I trained for and then participated in a 100+ mile bike ride, aka a century ride, on July 11th.  Physically, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in a single day.  I was able to keep up with a very fast group for the first 25 miles or so and then ended up falling behind going up a canyon.  At the next aid station I was able to get in a small group which makes things much easier, a lot less lonely, and much more enjoyable.  We stayed together and added people to our group until they lost me going up another set of hills.  The last 15-20 miles was very difficult and lonely.  Luckily, most of my preparation was on solo rides so I was used to it if not the physical exhaustion that began to set in.

A few weeks later I noticed my motivation for physical activity waning and prayed for some help.  It wasn't long after that when a friend contacted me out of the blue asking if I was up for doing a relay ride from Salt Lake to Saint George called Salt to Saint which is similar to a Ragnar.  Riders take turns on their bike all day and all night from start to finish.  I felt good about my training since last year I had completed a similar relay called Saints to Sinners that goes from Salt Lake to Las Vegas.

About 2 weeks before the ride I developed thrombosed hemorrhoids which can be excruciating, and were in this case.  For the first time in my life I almost passed out due to pain!  I had experienced them once before about 4 or 5 years ago.  This time around I had an idea of what to do and went to the doctor the first day I knew what was happening.  It raised some concerns about if I would be able to participate  in the ride or not.  The surgeon said I couldn't do any more damage and that my riding would come down to whether or not I could tolerate the pain.  A week, 2 medical procedures, and lots of pain later I was still doubting if I would be able to participate in the ride.

I was fast slipping into a depressed funk!  The ride had become something I was really looking forward to and didn't want to miss out.  It was supposed to be a way to be normal in all the craziness of COVID-19 and election year rhetoric, a reason to take a day off of work, and a much needed time to destress via social and physical outlets.  I prayed and pleaded (and a little chewing out), received a blessing from my dad, and tried to hold onto hope while staying off of my bike to let my body heal.

A couple of days before the ride I got on my bike to see how things felt.  I felt okay riding without too much pain thanks to my padded and low friction biking shorts.  Despite that I didn't get back on my bike until a few minutes before my first leg Friday afternoon.  As I started riding my muscles warmed and loosened up.  When it was my turn the adrenaline kicked in and I had to hold myself back a bit so I didn't go out to fast.  I was worried about going too slow since my first leg was going up a canyon and based on passed experience with canyons I believed that was my weak spot.

I was talking to someone at work while training for the relay.  In our conversation they mentioned passing me in their side-by-side while I was biking up a canyon.  They had been impressed by how quickly I was ascending.  It's interesting how our view of ourselves can be distorted and how a friend or outsider can offer another and sometimes clearer or more truthful perspective.  Here I was coming up short when comparing myself to cyclists who had been training for a decade longer than me.  The comparison trap!

While riding up that canyon I kept telling myself I was doing well and that I was good at climbing.  I set a fast pace but one I felt as sustainable.  It helped that I was familiar with the canyon, having driven it dozens, if not hundreds, of times with Karen.  I could tell I was gong fast and felt a tailwind helping me along.  Still, I didn't realize how fast I was going until I passed the first rider ahead of me, then the second, and finally a third.  That third rider stayed with me and we took turns drafting and pulling the rest of the way to the transition point.  Something I had expected to take over an hour took just over 40 minutes.

The other two legs I rode were just as amazing each in its own way.  One in the middle of the night was slightly uphill and into the wind.  Again, I was able to catch some other riders.  Two of them ended up taking turns pulling and drafting which ended up being very nice once the temperature plummeted to the 30's.  While I was dressed warmly I wasn't expecting it to drop that much.  In the end my hands were quite cold as was the rest of me and I am grateful for those other two riders!  With their help we probably shaved a few minutes off of the time we would have gotten.  The next day I was able to talk to one of them and thank him for the help.

The last leg was probably the most fun as the majority of it was downhill with a tailwind.  Over the course of 19 miles I descended 1500 feet.  That may not sound like much but it made for a fun and fast ride where I averaged 25.8 mph and finished in well under an hour.

So why am I writing this?  Well, it's more for me than for anyone else.  The last week has been very rough and I needed to remember something good that had happened to me.  I needed to remember how God answers prayers, takes care of me, and watches out for me especially when things are hard.  It's a reminder I need often and maybe by writing this all down it will help me remember, really remember that life is good!

I have plans for tomorrow and tomorrow is today!

Braden

Sharing earbuds while listening to a book during homeschool.

Making an old favorite, fettucine alfredo!

Exploring a cave on a hike.

At the Bear Lake overlook.

Some fun at Minnetonka Cave.

Not sure what James was going for here but I'm sure he nailed it!

Too cute!

Perspectives (4 year mark since Karen passed away)

A few things have been on my mind the last several weeks due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  This past week in my reading I came across some stories about people in hiding during World War II.  Specifically they were Jews hiding from Nazis.  In these cases they had to remain not only in their homes but quiet and unseen.  The circumstances were different but for them it meant life or death to stay home or go out.  At the moment it's not that extreme for most of us in Utah.  We have far more freedom.  For some though there is a real need to stay home.

Were Karen still alive and going through chemo treatments life for us would be very different!  Yet even with that it would still be up to me as an individual to determine the effect of those circumstances on my perspective and attitude.  Do I huddle up in my home afraid to go out, afraid of getting sick and or do I look at this as an opportunity to spend time with my kids, and do I look for ways to stay connected with the world and people around me, albeit differently?  Do I ask, 'Why?' in any of it's many forms or do I say, 'Why not!' and go forward?  The answers to those questions have nothing to do with the choices of anyone but me.

Several years ago a friend of mine helped teach me an important lesson in changing perspective or thinking outside of the box.  The way he taught it has stuck with me because the words he used seemed so contradictory.  He said, "Sometimes to make it easier you have to make it harder."  At the time I was skeptical but in that instance he proved right.  Since then I have applied that principle to other aspects of life.

Many times we view hardship as a punishment but what if hardship is actually reward.  What would you say if I told you that by changing your perspective from punishment to reward you can change your life?  As an example I used to think sweating or exercising was a punishment.  Now I view it as a reward, a way to de-stress and enjoy the gift of a healthy body.  By changing the mentality from 'I have to' to 'I get to' it becomes my choice.  When bad things happen, when life doesn't turn out the way I want, I can ask myself some questions (I didn't come up with these but I think they apply):

Can I change it?
Can I change the way I think about it?
Can I accept it?
Do I want to be miserable?

That last question is the one the makes me loop back to the others because I really don't want to be miserable and it helps me remember it's my choice.  I have the power within me to make that choice today and tomorrow.  And each and every one of you reading this has the power within you to choose.  No matter the circumstances, no matter the history, no matter the life experience, no matter what we have the gift of choice at all times and in all places.

Today I easily could have chosen to take the day off work, to sleep in, to mope, to be miserable.  Instead I chose to make it a fairly normal day, to get up and go to work, to enjoy foods I like (sushi and the gluteny goodness of breaded chicken - Karen was celiac and couldn't eat gluten :D), to get some exercise, to have some fun with my kids, to think about life and how to apply what I have learned to other areas of my life.

And now I choose to go to bed and enjoy a warm, comfortable bed where I can hog the covers and sleep like a starfish because nobody else is there to do a thing about it :D

Braden

P.S.

And just for fun here are some of my favorite pictures of her!

Helping hands

During the holiday season I was reflecting on the help I received over the last several years as well as my attitude towards it.  When Karen was first diagnosed help was everywhere.  At the time it felt a little like drinking from fire-hose.  Offers to care for James and drive him an hour for visits, a place to live while Karen and Becca were in the hospital, cards, gift cards, cash, kind words, hugs, a way to work remotely, random gifts, etc. the list goes on!

I was extremely reluctant to accept help.  Frankly, I didn't know how to accept it because up to that time I hadn't needed to, I had been the one helping others.  It has been quite a lesson in humility, service, love, charity, and gratitude.

As our circumstances changed so did the help that was offered and my attitude towards it.  Selling our house, moving to a new town, starting a new job, meeting and getting to know new neighbors and coworkers, and settling in to a new routine.  Again it was a bit like drinking from a fire-hose with all of the changes.  Then came the real acknowledgement in our hearts that Karen wasn't going to make it.  It came slowly at first and then in a rush on a winter trip to the oncologist.

A little later I spoke to her about that and she said she always knew she wasn't going to make it, that she was holding on for me and her kids, to have as much time as possible with us, that she didn't want to leave.  The strange part was her strength gave me hope that she could somehow be healed.  In the end all of our prayers and hopes were answered in the form of her being a light to those around her, of being given the strength to overcome her feelings of despair, of her ability to foster hope in others, of her developing an ability to live each day to the fullest.

As it became clear the time was getting closer I became afraid, afraid of living life without her, afraid of suddenly losing all of the help that people were giving us, afraid of almost everything.  I told myself people wouldn't want to help me anymore, that the only reason they had helped was because of Karen.  In my mind I wasn't really worth helping and because of my fear I started to withdraw mentally and emotionally.

I looked more to family for help and made plans for James and Becca to be cared for by them while I continued to work.  To justify it I told myself since I was paying some of my family to watch my kids that I was really helping them.  As part of that justification I said I needed to stand on my own to do it all by myself.

I didn't dare take much time off of work for fear that the grief would overwhelm me, or that I would lose skills, or there would no longer be a place for me.  I was afraid of losing the friendships and connections I had developed at work over the previous 9 months.  I needed to feel connected to the world around me, like I mattered to someone or anyone.  My boss let me work remotely for a a day or two as Karen's passing came near.

Then Karen passed and funeral planning, getting the death certificate and straightening out social security, insurance, banks accounts, and other accounts dominated my life for a few days.  The plans I had made for my kids went into effect.  Because I didn't think anyone wanted to help me, that I didn't really matter I took a total of 4 days off of work.

Everyone has heard the stories of how there are lines of people who stop by to offer comfort.  The funeral was like that but outside of kind words of sympathy at the funeral and cards received there weren't many who stopped by.  My bishop was great and had helped with the funeral planning.  His door was always open but I didn't want to be a burden.  For a while I felt like I could do it all, I could feel the love and support of everyone around me and that it would continue forever.  My boss stopped by to drop off some gifts and cards and offer his condolences and those of my coworkers.  In a way I was disappointed that others hadn't stopped by but I didn't say anything.

I later learned people had asked my parents how I was doing yet very few talked to me personally.  It was a hard time and I was trying so hard to hold on, to do everything on my own and that's when the loneliness started knocking at the door - the soul crushing, oppressive variety of loneliness.  There are few that understand what it's like to have the person who means everything to you pass away.  I put on a happy face and kept doing my job.  I smiled and told people everything was fine and asked for help to get out and socialize and to start dating.  After all Karen had told me to remarry and that if I didn't she would come back and haunt me!

In my mind I wanted new connections as a distraction or a way to heal from the loneliness and emptiness I could feel creeping into my life.  My purpose for the last couple of years had to been to get Karen to the next chemo treatment and suddenly it was gone.  I didn't have the person next to me who knew my strengths and weaknesses, my faults and virtues, and loved me because of them all.  I didn't have my person next to me, the one I loved and wanted to protect and provide for, the one I wanted to have a family with, the one who had chosen me and who I had chosen, the one I had built my world and life around.

Right in the middle of all this upheaval I found out I needed knee surgery.  Not a quick in and out scope but what turned out to be a partial knee replacement.  A conversation with a neighbor and a few phone calls later connected me with a piano teacher so I would have something to focus my mind on while recovering from knee surgery.  I once again pushed myself and scheduled my surgery so I would only have to take two days off of work.  In spite of the willingness of others to help me I still told myself people didn't care and that I was on my own.

In reality I had cut myself off from real and potential connections.  My thought that nobody cared enough about me had led me to take actions that created the circumstances which reinforced it.  It became a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I reached out to support groups online and Facebook friends yet the virtual world is no substitute for the kind of in person connection people don't just crave but need.  We need people physically present in our lives to talk to, commiserate with, share our pains, celebrate our joys, and support in turn.

Looking at the number of blog posts it's easy to see a pattern; 2014 had 96, 2015 had 28, 2016 had 22 (15 in the first four months), 2017 had 6, 2018 had 12 and 2019 had 3.  I do better when I talk to people and engage them and it's much better when I do that in person than over a computer screen.

It has been an interesting journey these last few years, one of self discovery, one of gaining and losing, one of loving and learning, one of grieving and healing, and one of growing and changing.  The next time you talk to someone who is going through a hard time and they say they don't need help take a step back and observe.  Perhaps you will see something that needs to be done.  You might have the thought to offer to help in a specific way or you could anonymously fulfill a need or want for them.  Most people are either too proud or think they are being a burden by admitting they need help.

From my own experience that leads to isolation.  It's a trap and it will pull you down slowly but surely until you have nobody left around you.  Luckily I had my parents and family to help me even when I didn't want or think I needed help.  More importantly God was and still is there for me because He loves and cares for me.  Just like he loves and cares for each and every one of His children.