Pondering and Pontificating (for my own benefit)

For the past while I have been feeling like I should put some effort into dating yet I haven't 'felt' like it. Until the last week I hadn't really dug into why I wasn't very interested and put it down to fatigue and being jaded with the dating 'games'. The last couple of days I have had some time on my hands due to a holiday that was more quiet than usual for some reason (hmm). Anyway, it hit me that I am afraid of making a mistake. I am afraid of choosing the wrong person and things ending up in a divorce. I am afraid of things not working out and wasting my time. I am afraid of being rejected. I am afraid of hurting someone. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of my kids suffering for my mistake. In short I am afraid to try again. Part of that is due to reading and hearing about failure rates of second marriages and the troubles kids can have in them, whether they are successful or not. Another reason is due to break ups and mistakes and missteps in relationships. Some of you reading this may not realize it but many of those breakups stir up the grief and loss. Whenever that happens it feels like that raw and sensitive wound is being torn into. For a time it's like I have lost Karen all over again. The door opens to the past grief and while it's a familiar companion that I know how to cope with it still takes time to regain my balance. In those times I feel like a reeling punch drunk fighter doing everything possible to keep another blow from landing, and failing. While thinking things over I realized it's impossible to avoid the pain so I have to learn to live with it and even embrace it. In much the same way I have come to embrace the challenge of going faster or further on my bike, lifting more weight, doing more reps, or stumbling through a new piece of music on the piano I want and need to learn to embrace this other pain. In a lot of ways I have come to be oaky with being single because it's easier, and it's safer. Yet many times the easy or safe choice isn't the right way. That pain is already a part of who I am and by avoiding it or denying it I am really denying a part of myself. It's okay to get hurt, to feel the pain. What I think isn't okay is when I wallow in the pain or allow it to chase me away from the possibility of something wonderful, the possibility of things actually working out with someone. I have let that fear dictate my actions in some subtle and not so subtle ways. Looking back over the last several months it's easy to see the self sabotage, the pushing people away, and the hiding from opportunities (yes there have been some even in the middle of a pandemic). Lasting change doesn't happen overnight so I am going to apply the lessons learned elsewhere to this and see how it goes. That means I will focus more on what can go right and less to what might go wrong. I am a firm believer in 'you find what you're looking for' which means I can find a gem because that is what I'm looking for. Sometimes a gem is in plain sight but many times it has to be sought in unusual places. If you have read this far thanks for humoring my pontification of these ponderings. I'll step down from my soap box now and let myself get on with living life! Braden

Gratitudes - written from the heart

Earlier this week I had the thought to do some writing here and to 'write what came into my heart'.  My previous post was more of a journal entry without much of what is on my mind or in my heart right now.  What follows is some of that.  Since the end of August I have been writing down in my journal three things I am grateful for each day.  The first day this is what I wrote:

• Grateful for tickle fights with my kids and their laughter.
• Grateful for the ability to exercise.
• Grateful for a safe place to sleep and be comfortable.

Today I wrote:

• Grateful to be busy with callings and for the opportunities they provide to be around people.
• Grateful to hear my kids laughing as we wrestled today.
• Grateful to see my kids playing in the snow and enjoying the first snowfall of the season this morning.

As you can imagine, or may know from experience, some days that task has been easier than others.  Today it was a little easier and after I was finished a few big things came to mind.  Those big things reminded me of how far I have come and actually how little this pandemic has really affected those things.  In many ways recent events have reinforced them.

Each of the items on my list can be summarized under one 'gratitude' - I am grateful for the ability to learn, change, and grow with the help of God and others.  Yesterday while biking I saw a heavy set guy jogging.  Seeing him I wanted to yell out and say something like, "Great job!  Keep it up!  You are me 10 years ago and 4 years ago I wasn't even biking.  You got this!"  Looking at who I was a little over 10 years ago, what I valued, and more importantly where I was headed are some scary and sobering thoughts.

The job I had was killing me because I wasn't setting healthy boundaries to handle the stress well and I was lacking some key coping skills.  Church and faith were not high on my priority list.  I ate whatever I felt like whenever I felt like it.  I rarely exercised and had convinced myself I was still in okay shape.  That despite spending hours in front of the computer at work and once home often spending hours gaming at night.  I was isolated from good relationships, even my relationship with my wife.  A part of me knew something had to be done, changes needed to be made, and I needed to act.

Moving to a new city, starting a new job, coming back to church, beginning to exercise, and changing my life was not easy.  Some habits I hung onto for quite a while, like eating and gaming to name two.  I faced challenges with physical activity; sprained ankles, plantar fasciitis, and even my temper when playing basketball.  Looking back I am so grateful for Karen, family, coworkers, neighbors, ward members, and customers at work during that time.  Since Karen passed I have had tendinitis, a partial knee replacement, shoulder trouble, and carpal tunnel syndrome.  Those experiences and many other since have taught me how to handle the stress in my life, how to develop and nurture good relationships, how to have faith and trust God through hard times, how to remember, how to forget, how to apologize, how to forgive, how to keep trying when it feels like hope is gone, how to survive, then how to live, and now how to thrive.

Like everyone else I am an imperfect person trying to do the best I can which means I have to be reminded of those past lessons from time to time.  Sometimes the refresher course is painful or embarrassing yet in the end I am grateful for them.  Not always in the moment but usually afterwards when I have the perspective of a little hindsight.

For those wondering how I handle stress now I will list a few things that help.  Sometimes it's as simple as a distraction but for larger problems finding a way to change my perspective is important.  Much of the time it's about identifying an unmet or unfulfilled need so this acronym is helpful - BLAST (bored, lonely, anxious, stressed, tired).  Finding a constructive way to meet or fulfill that need is what I try to do.  Please keep in mind I am not perfect in using these, or at anything really, but I do keep trying and I think that's the key, even when motivation is gone keep trying!

• Playing piano (I started lessons a little over 4 years ago)
• Biking or other forms of exercise - I have to really push my body to the limits sometimes but having the time to think helps
• Having fun with my kids
• Listening to or reading conference talks
• Listening to audio books
• Singing - I'm not very good so it's only in the car or the shower
• Talking to someone - it doesn't even have to be anything I am worried about
• Getting out and having fun
• Writing
• Helping someone else - selfless service gets my mind off of me and my own problems
• Reading a book
• Reading scriptures
• Meditation
• Deep breathing
• Acceptance
• Fear setting (stoicism and it's probably not what you think)
• Going for a drive
• Hanging out with a friend
• Cataloging - identifying 3 objects and their function
• GRATITUDE - this one is HUGE for me!
• Less sugar - more fruits and vegetables
• Less social media
• More sleep

I hope this helps someone because just writing it has helped me to remember once again how far I have come.  There is still a very long way to go but it's not so overwhelming when I remember the past and all of those successes.

Braden

P.S.

This is something James wrote.

I think he still misses his mommy!!

Why was Halloween cancelled?!

Halloween has come and gone once again.  With the pandemic things were a bit different though I did try to keep it as normal as possible.  James and Becca both wanted to dress as characters from Spiderman.  Becca got to be the Ghost-Spider while James asked to be Spiderman.  Unfortunately all of the classic Spiderman costumes were either sold out or too small for him.  There was a costume from the 'Universe 2' Spiderman a.k.a. Mile Morales.  Don't ask me what that all means because I'm a little lost with all the different versions of Spiderman out there now!

Trick-or-treating was only done at our house.  My parents and I each manned an outside door while the kids went randomly between each of the 3 doors asking for candy.  It wasn't ideal but they had fun and we made sure to give out a handful or two of candy each time they knocked.

Tick or treating.

Becca with two bags for candy!

James caught up and got his bag back.

Later James asked me why Halloween was cancelled.  I explained it wasn't cancelled and pointed out he was able to dress up, go trick-or-treating, and enjoy time with family.  COVID has really done a number on things!  I recently found out that Becca has been worried about her friends at daycare getting sick because they don't wear masks and hug each other.  How we approach explanations as adults really has an affect on the world view of our kids, sometimes in ways we don't expect.  At the very least I may need to talk with someone at school.

Carving pumpkins!

On a side note, and perhaps a bit morbid, I learned that I passed away.  At least according to the letter addressed to my 'estate' from a collection service that specializes in debt collections from the estates of deceased persons.  I wonder how long it will take to straighten things out and how this latest mix up happened...

Picture day for the kids was delayed a couple of weeks ago due to 'technical difficulties'.  It was probably a good things since I hadn't paid for a picture package.  By the time the make up day had rolled around we were good to go.

Picture day with hair all combed and shirts picked ou!

After dinner the other night I was talking to my mom:

Me:  I'm feeling pretty good tonight.  I did something for everyone in the family today.

James:  You didn't do anything for me!

Me:  I made you dinner.

James:  Dinner sucked.

A little later after talking to him about being nice:

James:  Ok, dinner was good but I didn't like it.

It's not only about teaching honesty but also teaching how and when to use it, or maybe ways to be lovingly honest and using tact.

Dinner.

Last Sunday the kids asked to drive to the 'water cave'.  At first I was a little puzzled by what they meant but after a few questions I realized they meant Ricks Springs.  Its just off the road up the canyon and they have been there a few times.  Before we had driven halfway there James and Becca were asking me, "Are we there yet?"  I told them no and they kept asking every minute or two.  A couple of minutes before the pullout they asked to turn around and go home.  I let them know it was close and kept going but it I wonder if there have been times when have turned around just before I got to something I wanted because I didn't realize how close I was...

Climbing some rocks at the 'water cave'

Melting pumpkins

Braden