I Am Going to Beat This. I Have Plans For Tomorrow.: October 2020

Several years ago someone told me it wouldn't be wise to start a romantic relationship around an anniversary date or a special time of year. At first it sounded like solid advice to me.

However, looking at things logically it would be almost impossible for me to find a time of year that wasn't special in one way or another to me and Karen after having been in each others' lives for 20+ years. Let me take you through each month of the year keeping in mind this is off of the top of my head without consulting a calendar or journal.

January - New Years and lots of memories there with fun in the snow or trips to visit friends and family as well as a stay in the ICU at Huntsman after a surgery.

February - Well, duh Valentine's Day... plus there is the whole birthday for Becca and the cancer diagnosis along with the start of our last family vacation. I almost forgot a stay in the ICU.

March - Karen was released from the hospital after almost passing away plus James was born. It was also the time of most of our last family vacation.

April - Our last date, our last walk together and so many other lasts including her last breath not to mention her funeral.

May - Engagement anniversary, Mother's Day, her birthday, and Memorial Day.

June - My birthday, Father's Day and the start of summer.

July - 4th and 24th of July holidays and so many fun times in the summer with parades, vacations, and family reunions. There was also the last time we moved, her colectomy, and her radio embolization.

August - Wedding date and anniversary trips along with our move away from Cache Valley.

October - Halloween with all the decorations, pumpkin carving, parties, etc.

November - Clean up from Halloween then Thanksgiving and all those memories along with a memorable hospital stay due to dehydration.

December - Christmas and the start of winter as well as all the trips we took together. Not to mention the first time we held hands!

So that leaves September to meet, court, get engaged, plan a wedding and get married. I guess that means better luck to me next year :D

Oh wait!! September has Labor Day, and our epic first family vacation with both James and Becca. The one where we took a 10 day 2000 mile road trip when both kids were under 2 in between Karen undergoing chemo treatments. I guess I am just plain out of luck then!

In all seriousness, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of Karen. The vast majority of those days it is a somewhat muted longing for her voice, her words, her wisdom, her counsel, her laugh, her humor, or her touch. Occasionally those thoughts and feelings are quite poignant or sharp, threatening to drag me into the dark abyss of grief and pain. Thankfully those dark times are few and far between now.

The point of the advice given I think is more to look at where the focus of my life is. After all I don't want to be getting involved with someone when my thoughts are really focused on someone else. Is that focus in the past or perhaps the no longer attainable dreams with a departed spouse? Or is that focus in the present with the memories being created and unfolding before my eyes moment to moment?

Just a few things I have thought about over the last few years.

I have plans for tomorrow and tomorrow is today!

Braden

It has been an interesting year so far, as in the Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times!" Kids finished up the end of the 2019-20 school year at home. The summer was fun with lots of small trips and mini adventures spending time outdoors and with family. The 2020-21 school year began with the kids going back to school everyday, albeit with masks and a slightly shorter school day.

There have been a few things on my mind lately one of which being the challenges we all face. I trained for and then participated in a 100+ mile bike ride, aka a century ride, on July 11th. Physically, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in a single day. I was able to keep up with a very fast group for the first 25 miles or so and then ended up falling behind going up a canyon. At the next aid station I was able to get in a small group which makes things much easier, a lot less lonely, and much more enjoyable. We stayed together and added people to our group until they lost me going up another set of hills. The last 15-20 miles was very difficult and lonely. Luckily, most of my preparation was on solo rides so I was used to it if not the physical exhaustion that began to set in.

A few weeks later I noticed my motivation for physical activity waning and prayed for some help. It wasn't long after that when a friend contacted me out of the blue asking if I was up for doing a relay ride from Salt Lake to Saint George called Salt to Saint which is similar to a Ragnar. Riders take turns on their bike all day and all night from start to finish. I felt good about my training since last year I had completed a similar relay called Saints to Sinners that goes from Salt Lake to Las Vegas.

About 2 weeks before the ride I developed thrombosed hemorrhoids which can be excruciating, and were in this case. For the first time in my life I almost passed out due to pain! I had experienced them once before about 4 or 5 years ago. This time around I had an idea of what to do and went to the doctor the first day I knew what was happening. It raised some concerns about if I would be able to participate in the ride or not. The surgeon said I couldn't do any more damage and that my riding would come down to whether or not I could tolerate the pain. A week, 2 medical procedures, and lots of pain later I was still doubting if I would be able to participate in the ride.

I was fast slipping into a depressed funk! The ride had become something I was really looking forward to and didn't want to miss out. It was supposed to be a way to be normal in all the craziness of COVID-19 and election year rhetoric, a reason to take a day off of work, and a much needed time to destress via social and physical outlets. I prayed and pleaded (and a little chewing out), received a blessing from my dad, and tried to hold onto hope while staying off of my bike to let my body heal.

A couple of days before the ride I got on my bike to see how things felt. I felt okay riding without too much pain thanks to my padded and low friction biking shorts. Despite that I didn't get back on my bike until a few minutes before my first leg Friday afternoon. As I started riding my muscles warmed and loosened up. When it was my turn the adrenaline kicked in and I had to hold myself back a bit so I didn't go out to fast. I was worried about going too slow since my first leg was going up a canyon and based on passed experience with canyons I believed that was my weak spot.

I was talking to someone at work while training for the relay. In our conversation they mentioned passing me in their side-by-side while I was biking up a canyon. They had been impressed by how quickly I was ascending. It's interesting how our view of ourselves can be distorted and how a friend or outsider can offer another and sometimes clearer or more truthful perspective. Here I was coming up short when comparing myself to cyclists who had been training for a decade longer than me. The comparison trap!

While riding up that canyon I kept telling myself I was doing well and that I was good at climbing. I set a fast pace but one I felt as sustainable. It helped that I was familiar with the canyon, having driven it dozens, if not hundreds, of times with Karen. I could tell I was gong fast and felt a tailwind helping me along. Still, I didn't realize how fast I was going until I passed the first rider ahead of me, then the second, and finally a third. That third rider stayed with me and we took turns drafting and pulling the rest of the way to the transition point. Something I had expected to take over an hour took just over 40 minutes.

The other two legs I rode were just as amazing each in its own way. One in the middle of the night was slightly uphill and into the wind. Again, I was able to catch some other riders. Two of them ended up taking turns pulling and drafting which ended up being very nice once the temperature plummeted to the 30's. While I was dressed warmly I wasn't expecting it to drop that much. In the end my hands were quite cold as was the rest of me and I am grateful for those other two riders! With their help we probably shaved a few minutes off of the time we would have gotten. The next day I was able to talk to one of them and thank him for the help.

The last leg was probably the most fun as the majority of it was downhill with a tailwind. Over the course of 19 miles I descended 1500 feet. That may not sound like much but it made for a fun and fast ride where I averaged 25.8 mph and finished in well under an hour.

So why am I writing this? Well, it's more for me than for anyone else. The last week has been very rough and I needed to remember something good that had happened to me. I needed to remember how God answers prayers, takes care of me, and watches out for me especially when things are hard. It's a reminder I need often and maybe by writing this all down it will help me remember, really remember that life is good!

I have plans for tomorrow and tomorrow is today!

Braden