Mommy died

Late Sunday night I awoke to the sound of Becca and James crying.  I got them both calmed down and comfortable again and was about to head back to my own bed when James said, "Mommy died."  There are times when I think he understands what has happened and other times when I'm sure he doesn't.  We have been open with him and have not tried to 'sugar coat' the reality so having him say that was not too much of a surprise.

What James said next was a bit of a shock until you look at it from the perspective of a three year old.  "I need a new mommy," was said in such a matter of fact way that I felt like smiling.  I decided to see where it would go and asked him where to find a new mommy for him.  He pointed at the shelves in his room and said, "The top shelf."

He misses Karen and feels sad and out of sorts though he doesn't know why.  Lately, both he and Becca have been crying more easily.  I try to be patient with them.  In a way, their lack of understanding has helped me to put my own feelings into better perspective.  I was even able to go back to work on Friday.  It was a slow day and allowed me to ease back into things.  Hopefully Monday goes as smoothly.

This last week has been a busy one.  Getting ready for the viewing on Tuesday then the funeral on Wednesday felt like a whirlwind.  Gratefully, we were able to rely on a lot of experienced people and everything came together.  Thursday was a little harder since I had to straighten things out with the Social Security Administration.

I went to the SSA offices in Ogden and wrapped things up much quicker than expected so I was able to meet up with some co-workers in the area.  They had come to the funeral on Wednesday but we didn't have much of a chance to talk.  It was nice to feel normal for a while after which I headed back to Logan and stopped in at the office for a bit to see how I felt.  Surprisingly, I was only a little anxious.

I still don't feel completely like myself but I am doing much better than I had expected.  Maybe I will never feel 'normal' again.  Maybe how I feel now is the new normal.  Going through an experience like this can't help but leave a mark.

Little things still make me cry at seemingly random times but it is lessening much more rapidly than I had thought possible.  I know the Lord is helping me out in ways I don't understand.  The strange part is there have been a couple of times when I have started laughing in the middle of the tears.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster!

James' "I need a new mommy" comment reminded me about Karen telling me if I ended up alone that she would come back and haunt me.  Time will tell if she has to make good on her promise.  As for now I'm trying to stay positive which is easier than I thought it would be.

Braden