October (six months)

October wasn't too busy though the 23rd was the six month anniversary of Karen's passing.  It's hard to believe it has been that long and at the same time I catch myself thinking it has been much longer.  Time is very strange.

Waiting for the bathroom

The kids are doing well and were able to go to the Pumpkin Walk with some cousins.  For Halloween they dressed as bumblebees and actually went trick-or-treating.  Last year after showing grandma and grandpa their costumes they almost immediately took them off.  This year, it took them a door or two to get the hang of holding their bags open and saying 'Trick-or-Treat'.  Even with the prospect of candy, after about the fifth house they were asking to go back.  They did have a good time and, gratefully, they didn't end up with much candy!

Halloween costumes

With the weather turning colder the kids aren't able to ride their bikes or be outside as much.  I find myself already thinking about Christmas gifts for them.  Usually I wait until after Thanksgiving to even think about gifts or decorating.  I believe a part of it is that without Karen it's all up to me to get them presents.

Channeling the '80s

November has started me thinking about gratitude once again.  Even in hard times there is much to be grateful for; people, support (seen and unseen) and a lot of other things I would never have thought to be grateful for.

I hope everyone has a good November!

Braden

Another Month (September)

Yet another month has passed.  It's strange that even after something happens to totally alter your life and world view how everything just keeps going on.  Karen's headstone is now installed (it was done September 8th).  I think it looks good though tonight was the first time my parents had seen it in person.

James and Rebecca continue to be kids; having fun, getting into things and keeping me humble.  It can be a little frustrating to have them 'play' music when I attempt to practice on the piano but they are just too cute not to laugh at.  The weather is getting a little cooler and it's getting dark much sooner so their outdoor time is becoming more limited.  Walks up a nearby road have been good for my knee and letting me get out to spend some time with them.

(James with a style all his own.)

(James on the swing set!)

I went to a dance in the middle of September.  Unfortunately, my knee wasn't yet up to any serious dancing, or any dancing for that matter.  I tried for about 15 seconds and it quickly let me know I was pushing beyond its limits.  Rather than risk overdoing it I, uncharacteristically, exercised some caution and talked for most of the night.  Socializing is getting easier for me though I still don't feel totally comfortable.  Maybe I never will.  Somehow I don't think anyone else is totally comfortable either.  That's some comfort knowing most of us are in the same boat.  It's just something I will have to work on!

There are many things that continue to amaze me about this experience.  Probably the biggest is how resilient kids are.  Prior to this I was so worried about how scarred they would.  In the end they have adjusted far better than me.  James and Rebecca still ask to see mommy pictures.  My phone is full of videos and pictures of her so I can snuggle with them in a chair or on the couch while they see their mom.  I don't know if it's the best thing for them (or me for that matter) but it lets me spend time with them and see them smile!

(Becca telling stories.  I have no idea what she was talking about.)

(James giving Becca a shoulder ride.)

We'll see what October brings.  Karen enjoyed dressing up for Halloween not to mention giving out candy and spending time with the kids.  This year they may actually be old enough to go trick or treating before bed time.

I'm grateful for all of the support that I continue to get from everyone.  Thank you!

Braden

August and onward

Once again I haven't posted for an entire month.  The month started with me using a cane to get around and is ending with me only limping slightly due to the knee surgery.  Taking care of two toddlers by myself would have been impossible for me alone.  Looking back I can see so many reasons why Karen and I were unable to find a house.  There may yet be more reasons.  I am grateful for family and friends helping out.

August 9th would have been our 15th wedding anniversary.  The week before was filled with a lot of reflection on our life and time together.  Karen's family had a family reunion August 5th and 6th so I was able to spend some time with them remembering her and on the 9th we went out to eat.  One of Karen's sisters that wasn't around for the last dinner was able to attend this one.  That night also happened to be her anniversary as well.

Saturday the 13th was a singles conference that I attended.  I hadn't expected it to be so emotional for me but my mind was still focused in the past.  It was a very good experience to be able to mingle with others but in some ways my heart wasn't into meeting new people after having all those memories flood through me for the previous week.

Having to get around with a cane made for an interesting time.  I offered to drive a group of people the hour to and from the conference.  It kept my spirits up to have people laughing in the car.  I don't think they realize how much their good spirits helped me out that day.  Gratefully, I am feeling and doing much better almost 3 weeks later.

My knee has been healing and it is getting easier to spend time with the kids and not having to worry about them hitting a tender spot.  James and Becca still ask if they can 'touch this leg' while pointing to my good leg.  They are so earnest about it that I can't help but smile whenever they ask, "Touch this leg?"

For now I am trying to get back into life.  The piano lessons I began last month are starting to bear fruit allowing me to passably play through a couple of simplified hymns.  My activity level has been reduced significantly and I am trying to work gym time back into my schedule.  The news that I will probably need a total knee replacement in 10 years along with the advice to give up running and basketball has gotten me thinking about road biking and swimming.  So I am researching a good road bike that will last, go fast, and be fun to ride.  Unfortunately cheap probably isn't compatible with that list.

During the last month my social life has been on hold.  I feel like after Labor Day my knee should be healed enough so I can resume my feeble attempts at dating.  It's a lot different than it was 15 years ago though a lot of that is probably me changing and having a different set of worries this time around.  It still amazes me the ripple effects of having kids.  They are great to have around and always make life interesting.  Now, if I could just figure out my plan for tomorrow that would be great!

Braden

Long July

So it's the last day of July and I have let the month go by without an update.  The 4th of July was weekend was fun.  We spent Friday the 1st relaxing and then the kids went to bed on time.  I didn't want them scared by the Logan fireworks right before bedtime.  I was able to watch the fireworks from Karen's grave along with my sister's family.  Saturday the 2nd was another relaxing day.  I ended up going to a singles activity which was games and then a movie, The Princess Bride.  It was one of Karen's favorites and we enjoyed watching it together repeatedly.  The 4th began by helping my mom pod freshly picked garden peas and ended with another singles activity which was games and fireworks.  It was a fun time but made me miss Karen.

The end of the week, July 8th and 9th brought a family reunion of my parents' kids, grandkids and great grandkids.  Friday we were out at Hyrum dam for some boating, fun on the beach and then dinner.  Saturday was a giant slip-n-slide (100 feet long).  James and Rebecca loved their time at the beach and even had a trip on the tube behind the boat.  The slip-n-slide was another story.  Neither of them really liked it this year.  It was probably since when it began was about their nap time.

Sunday the 10th James and Becca had a little fun riding their bikes on the grass.  During all this time I had been talking with doctors about my knee which has been acting up.  After an MRI it was decided that I needed surgery to repair some damage to cartilage.  On July 20th, I went in for surgery.  When I woke up I was told I now had some plastic buttons in my knee and would need a new knee in 10 years.  Not the best thing to wake up to but at least I woke up!

I had hoped there was only damage in one spot which could be repaired with live tissue.  The recovery is longer but it allows for longer life of the knee.  It turns out there was damage in two spots which created the need for the plastic buttons.  The silver lining about this is the recovery is much shorter.  It still hurts when James and/or Becca decide daddy needs a hug and his bad knee happens to be just the right height.

The doctors were great and the physical therapists haven't been nearly as sadistic as I remember them being.  At least the ones outside the hospital.  The ones in the hospital had me up and using a walker to get around the unit within hours of my surgery.  Later that night I got up and did a lap around the entire floor since I was feeling pretty good.  I was released the afternoon of the 21st and then tried to stay in bed for a few days.  On the 22nd I signed off on the design for Karen's headstone which should be in place in 2-3 months.

Gratefully the 25th was the observed Pioneer Day so I didn't have to work.  On Sunday I may have overdone it a little by walking two blocks each way to church.  I was actually tempted to work on Monday but after Sunday's walk I decided to exercise a little caution.  Tuesday I headed into work but had a physical therapy appointment at 7:30 AM first.  Thursday I had my second physical therapy session at 7:30 AM with a full day of work after.  Saturday afternoon I tried using a cane for the first time and have decided to bag the walker.  It's too slow and doesn't let me got up and down stairs easily.

Today was church and, yes, I did walk the two blocks each way.  What can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment.  Tonight I was able to help put the kids to bed for the first time in over a week and a half.  It was nice to sing them songs, tuck them into their beds, and give them a kiss and hug good night.  Tonight I can sleep in my own bed instead of on a hide-a-bed!

Braden

Days of Summer

So my birthday and Father's Day have gone by.  It has also been two months since Karen passed away.

Summer has started with James and Rebecca enjoying time outside whenever they can get it.  Tonight I was just watching them on their bikes when Becca came up to me, grabbed my hand (finger actually), and started pulling on me while saying walk.  Apparently she wanted to go for a walk so we (James, Rebecca, and I) went on a walk up the road and came back home.  No sooner had I sat down than she did the same thing, so we went on another, shorter walk up a different road.  Last night she had insisted on walk in the same way.  I think I will need to teach her some manners so she will be little more polite.

This week I had my first trip to the pool with the kids as well.  It was an interesting experience and hopefully I can be a little more relaxed the next time I take them to have some fun.

(Kids ready for the pool)

I seem to be going in reverse on this post.  Last Saturday I received a gift from Karen in the mail.  It was a movie she had ordered before she passed away.  She had asked me if I wanted it and I guess she bought it.  The timing of it arriving between my birthday and Father's Day was probably not her choice but it was a great gift.  I had been missing seeing her smile when I opened a gift from her.  This last birthday/Father's Day gift from her was extra special though.

(Karen's b-day/Father's Day gift to me)

On to some other news...  For those of you that know me you know my left knee is not in the best shape.  Something to do with three previous operations and not treating it well.  Apparently I hurt it a little more and the doctors think it needs a little work so sometime in the next few weeks I will be having surgery to fix this latest problem.  When I told my boss he just said, "You just can't catch a break."  Viewed a certain way it is a break.  Any earlier and I wouldn't have been able to move or help be there for Karen.  Any later and I wouldn't be at my insurance out of pocket maximum for the year.  We'll see if I'm this philosophical about it in a month or two.

Braden

I have plans for you tomorrow!

For Karen's birthday I got her siblings in the state, her parents, and my parents together for a dinner.  It was fun to get out and have some fun and remember her.  We ate at one of her favorite restaurants, Outback.  It was one of her favorites due mostly to the fact that they have a more than decent gluten free menu with a very good dessert.

Dinner with the family

The day after her birthday there was a rainbow that looked like it was right over the cemetery where Karen is buried!

James and Rebecca ready for bed!

Dessert is a little messy sometimes!

James just before he got dessert all over his face too.

Getting out in a social setting has reinforced a thought I have had for a while which is I need to get out with friends more.  For the past few months I have been concentrating on Karen and the kids so much I haven't really formed any friendships outside of work.  That needs to change if I am going to keep moving forward.

You might be asking what I mean.  It means I will be looking for singles events to go to and probably even dating.  Yes, I said dating.  I think I'm ready for it and I know it's what Karen wants for me and it's what I want.  I can hear her saying, "I have plans for you tomorrow!  Now get to it."  She had/has the mindset that if you're going to do something, you go all in.  If I'm not ready, well, I guess I'll find out.  Time will tell if I have made the correct choice or not and I won't know unless I try.

Many of you reading this may not realize it, but when it comes to socializing (especially with women) I am an introvert until I become comfortable.  While Karen was alive it was easy to talk to women, but in the last few weeks, it's as if a switch has been flipped.  It's like I'm in high school all over again struggling to find the right words.  Sometimes responding to a simple hello is the most difficult thing in the world.  I will learn to deal with that though and the first step is to get used to the environment.  Now I just need to find some singles events that I can crash, er go to.

Braden

Mother's Day

To say the last two weeks haven't been easy would be an understatement, but we are getting a handle on things bit by bit.  Most of the time James and Rebecca are fine but there are moments when it is just hard for them, especially James.  He occasionally wakes up in the middle of the night.  The last time he told me he cried really loud so I would hear him.  When I asked him if he missed mommy he said yes so I let him know I did too.  Once I said that he was fine and laid back down to go to sleep.

Karen and I got engaged May 5th 2001 so that day was a little rough.  Throw in Mother's Day a few days later and you might see why it hasn't been easy.  Mother's Day was especially hard for me.  After finally being able to have children the holiday was turning into something great for Karen.  Knowing how much she wanted to be a mother made the fact she had only three Mother's Days bitter.  It took a bit but I realized I needed to look at it from the other side, that she was able to celebrate her motherhood three times.  I can't change what has happened but I can change how I view it, move on, and not let it consume me.

I took the kids on a little trip this week to visit their cousins who live about an hour away.  James had been asking about them for a while so I decided to make it happen for him and Rebecca.  The kids had a blast though I ended up very tired.  That's what happens when you stay up until 1:30 AM swapping Karen stories with your wife's sister one night and go to a late movie the next.

Their family didn't make it for the fettuccine alfredo two nights before the funeral so I threw some together while I was there.  In return, they were nice enough to provide some babysitters and then treat me to a late movie in an actual theater.  The only problem with the trip is that James keeps asking to go back and is even asking to see other cousins that live even farther away.  A can of worms may have just been opened...

I frequently visit Karen's grave and try to walk there to have some alone time, focus my thoughts, and think things through.  Lately, I have had trouble being decisive.  It started a few weeks before Karen passed and has gradually gotten better since the funeral.  The last week it seems to have gotten a lot better though that could just be my judgement being totally compromised at this point.

It always amazes me how much better I feel after writing a blog post.  Talking about the problems I am facing helps some but writing it down helps even more.

Braden

Mommy died

Late Sunday night I awoke to the sound of Becca and James crying.  I got them both calmed down and comfortable again and was about to head back to my own bed when James said, "Mommy died."  There are times when I think he understands what has happened and other times when I'm sure he doesn't.  We have been open with him and have not tried to 'sugar coat' the reality so having him say that was not too much of a surprise.

What James said next was a bit of a shock until you look at it from the perspective of a three year old.  "I need a new mommy," was said in such a matter of fact way that I felt like smiling.  I decided to see where it would go and asked him where to find a new mommy for him.  He pointed at the shelves in his room and said, "The top shelf."

He misses Karen and feels sad and out of sorts though he doesn't know why.  Lately, both he and Becca have been crying more easily.  I try to be patient with them.  In a way, their lack of understanding has helped me to put my own feelings into better perspective.  I was even able to go back to work on Friday.  It was a slow day and allowed me to ease back into things.  Hopefully Monday goes as smoothly.

This last week has been a busy one.  Getting ready for the viewing on Tuesday then the funeral on Wednesday felt like a whirlwind.  Gratefully, we were able to rely on a lot of experienced people and everything came together.  Thursday was a little harder since I had to straighten things out with the Social Security Administration.

I went to the SSA offices in Ogden and wrapped things up much quicker than expected so I was able to meet up with some co-workers in the area.  They had come to the funeral on Wednesday but we didn't have much of a chance to talk.  It was nice to feel normal for a while after which I headed back to Logan and stopped in at the office for a bit to see how I felt.  Surprisingly, I was only a little anxious.

I still don't feel completely like myself but I am doing much better than I had expected.  Maybe I will never feel 'normal' again.  Maybe how I feel now is the new normal.  Going through an experience like this can't help but leave a mark.

Little things still make me cry at seemingly random times but it is lessening much more rapidly than I had thought possible.  I know the Lord is helping me out in ways I don't understand.  The strange part is there have been a couple of times when I have started laughing in the middle of the tears.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster!

James' "I need a new mommy" comment reminded me about Karen telling me if I ended up alone that she would come back and haunt me.  Time will tell if she has to make good on her promise.  As for now I'm trying to stay positive which is easier than I thought it would be.

Braden

Passing of the torch

While I was working on Karen's obituary today I was thinking a little about her mantra of "I am going to beat this. I have plans for tomorrow."  In talking to Karen a while ago I realized that when she came up with the mantra it was not in reference to cancer.  I think instead it was related to the deep despair and hopelessness she felt one lonely night in the hospital after she was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer.  She was determined to not let those emotions overwhelm her and ruin the limited number of tomorrows she had left.  I think it was also a way for her to comfort me.  And it worked.

Now I think of her and remember that saying and, as the same feelings threaten me, I find myself determined to not let my own emotions spoil the limited number of tomorrows I have left with our children.  So I repeat this to myself and every time I hear Karen's beautiful voice saying, "You're going to beat this.  I have made plans for you tomorrow."  After which I hear her laugh a little and say, "Or I'm going to beat you!"  So the mantra torch has been passed to me and I need to start planning.

Below is the obituary.  I had a hard time starting this so my mother began it and I fleshed out the details.

Braden

Karen Rawlings Hoth was born May 24, 1979 in Preston, Idaho to Glade and Georgia (Ingalls) Rawlings and passed away April 23, 2016 in North Logan, Utah.  She was the 5^th child and 4^th daughter.  The family moved to Logan, Utah in 1986 where Karen attended school and graduated from Logan High School in 1997.  She later earned a Bachelors degree in Geography from Utah State University.  She began work delivering papers before her teenage years and worked many jobs throughout her life.  She knew the value of hard work which made her a favorite of her employers.

 Karen was gifted with intelligence and a quick wit coupled with an indomitable and compassionate spirit that drew friends to her.  She held many church callings for which she always put forth her best effort.  In those callings she touched the lives of many and ever looked for opportunities to reach out and serve others.  She loved word and number puzzles and was always busy creating something beautiful out of her handwork whether it was tatting, crocheting or bobbin lace.  She had a green thumb and loved working with her plants, indoors and out.

She married her long-time friend, Braden August Hoth, August 9, 2001, in the Logan Temple.  After many long years of waiting and a heartbreaking miscarriage in 2011 they were blessed with two beautiful children, James in 2013 and Rebecca in 2014.

She is survived by her husband – Braden, children – James and Rebecca, parents – Glade and Georgia Rawlings, and siblings – Jeanette Johnson, Phillip Rawlings, Ruthann Wadsworth, Emily Walker, and Diana Ribera.  A large extended family and innumerable friends mourn her passing.

Her strong spirit carried her through a courageous battle with cancer, never losing her faith in God or her love of family.  She and her family are grateful for the outpouring of help and support she received from those, both known and unknown, during her fight.  One of her greatest desires in life was to be a mother so it is no surprise that family, especially her children, always came first for her.  While we mourn here those who have passed on before are celebrating their sweet reunion with a choice daughter of God.

There will be a viewing Tuesday evening, April 26, 2016, at the North Logan 9^th Ward Chapel, 1650 East 2600 North, North Logan, from 6:00 – 8:00 p.m.  Funeral services will be held at the same location on Wednesday, April 27, 2016, at noon.  A viewing will precede services from 10:00 to 11:30 a.m.  Services are under the direction of the Cache Valley Mortuary.  Burial will be at the North Logan Cemetery.

Karen has plans for today!!!

Karen quietly passed on this morning at about 2:30 AM.  Her body is no longer holding her back.

We will love you forever deary!!!
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.

Braden

So little time, so many memories!

One of the things I love most and find the most infuriating about Karen is her inability to quit.  If you give her something to do she will give it her all even if you tell her it's impossible or that she can't do it.  Especially, if you tell her she can't do it.

This morning I didn't think she would be able to walk out of the room, even with my help.  Last night I had to carry her down the stairs on my back and I was not looking forward to the pain it would cause her to help her out of bed this morning.  With pure grit she had me pull her onto weak, wobbly legs then leaned into me and had me help her to her recliner.  The only recliner out of hundreds she sat in that felt remotely comfortable.  The recliner I decided to buy for her shortly after her terminal cancer diagnosis.  The recliner where she held Becca and James so many times.

Becca in a milk 'comma'

Becca and James in Karen's lap after 3 days in the hospital (Feb 2015)

It is amazing how many memories can be tied to something so simple.  There are times when I hope won't be able to look at that chair without thinking of Karen and the love she has for James and Rebecca; of the time we shared, the memories we made, and everything she did for me!

An hour or two ago I just sat and held her hand for a while.  I squeezed her hand three times and got a little twitch in return.  There were many times when we would hold hands in church or somewhere else where we couldn't or didn't want to say 'I love you' aloud to on another.  We found a way around that.  One of us would squeeze the other's had three times for 'I love you' to which the response was two squeezes for 'ditto' with the response to that being a single squeeze for 'good'.

Some of you may remember the game 'murder in the dark' where everyone would hold hands in a circle and a 'killer' would be randomly chosen.  If your hand was squeezed once you were dead, otherwise you would squeeze the person on your other hand one less than you had been squeezed.  Why do I explain this?  Sometimes if we were in a movie theater and one of us was feeling goofy we would do the 'I love you game' and change it at the end to 'murder in the dark'.  When one of us got the single squeeze we would slump in our seats making the other person giggle, laugh, or even snort.  This usually happened at some climatic or touching moment when laughter was not appropriate.  The number of looks we got I can't even count.

I will have to write down all of the inside jokes we have at some point.  There are just too many for one night but writing this one has been a sort of panacea for the last few days so thank you for reading the ramblings of a grieving husband.

Braden

Memories, pictures and more...

This will be a pretty short post.  I and a few others are trying to compile pictures, stories, and videos to help James and Rebecca remember their mom.  If you have anything like that please share it with us and them.  The stories can be posted here or on my Facebook page or the Facebook Hope for Hoth page.  If we're not already friends just send me an invite.  If you're not on Facebook let me know and other arrangements can be made.  If it's a story the comments section here would work as well.  Anything is better than nothing!

Time is short for Karen.  She hasn't been eating much lately and today she was unable to swallow her medications.  It is heartbreaking to watch this but worse than that is the thought of her kids not knowing her so please share what you can of Karen with them.

Thank you,
Braden

Every moment is precious

A few weeks ago I did a candlelit dinner for Karen.  She has tried to do one for us several times since we have been married but something always came up or went wrong so we had never really had one.  I decided I needed to make it happen for her so I made our favorite meal.  Fettuccine alfredo with garlic pepper and basil seasoned cherry tomatoes, and grilled chicken.  We had some sparkling cider to go with it and for dessert had mousse pie (made by Karen's mother from milk chocolate, cool whip, and cream cheese on a gluten free graham cracker crust).

Later in the weekend we went for a walk up the road.  Originally it was just supposed to be me and the kids but Karen had my mom get her wheelchair out and start pushing her up the lane.  When I noticed what was happening I turned the kids around and went back.  I pushed Karen in the chair up the road and stopped at the canal.  Later in the day we walked over to the neighbor's where the kids were able to see the goats.

This past Saturday we relaxed in the morning and in the afternoon had some family pictures taken.  Karen conserved her energy in the morning and was very active for the pictures (I will post some when we have them).

Sunday I took the kids to church while Karen stayed home with her mom.  My sister, Katrina, and her husband, Nate, stopped by in the early afternoon and then her brother, Phil, and his wife, Jordan.  In a way it was bitter sweet to see them.

The last few weeks Karen hasn't been able to put the kids to bed so the other night I took them to her one at a time.  She is so weak standing up is an effort for her.  Her body is shutting down bit by bit which has been very difficult to watch and know there is nothing we can do.

We try to make life as enjoyable as possible for her.  The owners of the local Jamba Juice gave Karen a gift card which I often use to grab a smoothie which she ends up splitting it with the kids.

Emotionally, it has been a difficult couple of weeks since Karen began hospice.  She has gotten much weaker and sleeps much of the time.  It has been hard to watch such a vibrantly active person become home bound.  She does still get out of bed in the morning with help but it is purely an act of will on her part.  There are still sweet moments between her, James, and Rebecca but they have become fewer as the days go by.

Speaking with Karen's hospice nurse makes us realize the time is short and it can be measured in weeks or even days.  With this knowledge, tears have come more frequently for me in the past week than they have since she was diagnosed just over two years ago.  Knowing I will see her again and reconciling that with the ache in my soul at being separated for probably several decades will take time, patience, and love to accomplish.  She has been a part of my life in one form or another for almost 25 years and I will miss seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, and watching her play with or read stories to the kids.  I have pictures and videos, but it isn't the same as holding her hand, giving her a hug, or tickling her feet.

The saying that 'parting is such sweet sorrow' is very appropriate.  Seeing her essentially trapped in a body that isn't working has me longing for her release from this life some days.  Other days I am grateful for every second she can spend with us.  Most of the time I am somewhere in between while hoping and praying to be able to accept what is happening.

During this time the hospice staff, volunteers, ward members, and family have been very supportive and attentive to our needs.  It is difficult to express the love and appreciation I feel for everyone and what you do for my wife and children on a daily basis, often with no thought of being rewarded or even thanked for your efforts.  I will try to keep everyone updated but it has not been easy to find the time to keep everyone that knows and loves Karen up to date on her condition.

Braden