Mommy died

Late Sunday night I awoke to the sound of Becca and James crying.  I got them both calmed down and comfortable again and was about to head back to my own bed when James said, "Mommy died."  There are times when I think he understands what has happened and other times when I'm sure he doesn't.  We have been open with him and have not tried to 'sugar coat' the reality so having him say that was not too much of a surprise.

What James said next was a bit of a shock until you look at it from the perspective of a three year old.  "I need a new mommy," was said in such a matter of fact way that I felt like smiling.  I decided to see where it would go and asked him where to find a new mommy for him.  He pointed at the shelves in his room and said, "The top shelf."

He misses Karen and feels sad and out of sorts though he doesn't know why.  Lately, both he and Becca have been crying more easily.  I try to be patient with them.  In a way, their lack of understanding has helped me to put my own feelings into better perspective.  I was even able to go back to work on Friday.  It was a slow day and allowed me to ease back into things.  Hopefully Monday goes as smoothly.

This last week has been a busy one.  Getting ready for the viewing on Tuesday then the funeral on Wednesday felt like a whirlwind.  Gratefully, we were able to rely on a lot of experienced people and everything came together.  Thursday was a little harder since I had to straighten things out with the Social Security Administration.

I went to the SSA offices in Ogden and wrapped things up much quicker than expected so I was able to meet up with some co-workers in the area.  They had come to the funeral on Wednesday but we didn't have much of a chance to talk.  It was nice to feel normal for a while after which I headed back to Logan and stopped in at the office for a bit to see how I felt.  Surprisingly, I was only a little anxious.

I still don't feel completely like myself but I am doing much better than I had expected.  Maybe I will never feel 'normal' again.  Maybe how I feel now is the new normal.  Going through an experience like this can't help but leave a mark.

Little things still make me cry at seemingly random times but it is lessening much more rapidly than I had thought possible.  I know the Lord is helping me out in ways I don't understand.  The strange part is there have been a couple of times when I have started laughing in the middle of the tears.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster!

James' "I need a new mommy" comment reminded me about Karen telling me if I ended up alone that she would come back and haunt me.  Time will tell if she has to make good on her promise.  As for now I'm trying to stay positive which is easier than I thought it would be.

Braden

Passing of the torch

While I was working on Karen's obituary today I was thinking a little about her mantra of "I am going to beat this. I have plans for tomorrow."  In talking to Karen a while ago I realized that when she came up with the mantra it was not in reference to cancer.  I think instead it was related to the deep despair and hopelessness she felt one lonely night in the hospital after she was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer.  She was determined to not let those emotions overwhelm her and ruin the limited number of tomorrows she had left.  I think it was also a way for her to comfort me.  And it worked.

Now I think of her and remember that saying and, as the same feelings threaten me, I find myself determined to not let my own emotions spoil the limited number of tomorrows I have left with our children.  So I repeat this to myself and every time I hear Karen's beautiful voice saying, "You're going to beat this.  I have made plans for you tomorrow."  After which I hear her laugh a little and say, "Or I'm going to beat you!"  So the mantra torch has been passed to me and I need to start planning.

Below is the obituary.  I had a hard time starting this so my mother began it and I fleshed out the details.

Braden

Karen Rawlings Hoth was born May 24, 1979 in Preston, Idaho to Glade and Georgia (Ingalls) Rawlings and passed away April 23, 2016 in North Logan, Utah.  She was the 5^th child and 4^th daughter.  The family moved to Logan, Utah in 1986 where Karen attended school and graduated from Logan High School in 1997.  She later earned a Bachelors degree in Geography from Utah State University.  She began work delivering papers before her teenage years and worked many jobs throughout her life.  She knew the value of hard work which made her a favorite of her employers.

 Karen was gifted with intelligence and a quick wit coupled with an indomitable and compassionate spirit that drew friends to her.  She held many church callings for which she always put forth her best effort.  In those callings she touched the lives of many and ever looked for opportunities to reach out and serve others.  She loved word and number puzzles and was always busy creating something beautiful out of her handwork whether it was tatting, crocheting or bobbin lace.  She had a green thumb and loved working with her plants, indoors and out.

She married her long-time friend, Braden August Hoth, August 9, 2001, in the Logan Temple.  After many long years of waiting and a heartbreaking miscarriage in 2011 they were blessed with two beautiful children, James in 2013 and Rebecca in 2014.

She is survived by her husband – Braden, children – James and Rebecca, parents – Glade and Georgia Rawlings, and siblings – Jeanette Johnson, Phillip Rawlings, Ruthann Wadsworth, Emily Walker, and Diana Ribera.  A large extended family and innumerable friends mourn her passing.

Her strong spirit carried her through a courageous battle with cancer, never losing her faith in God or her love of family.  She and her family are grateful for the outpouring of help and support she received from those, both known and unknown, during her fight.  One of her greatest desires in life was to be a mother so it is no surprise that family, especially her children, always came first for her.  While we mourn here those who have passed on before are celebrating their sweet reunion with a choice daughter of God.

There will be a viewing Tuesday evening, April 26, 2016, at the North Logan 9^th Ward Chapel, 1650 East 2600 North, North Logan, from 6:00 – 8:00 p.m.  Funeral services will be held at the same location on Wednesday, April 27, 2016, at noon.  A viewing will precede services from 10:00 to 11:30 a.m.  Services are under the direction of the Cache Valley Mortuary.  Burial will be at the North Logan Cemetery.

Karen has plans for today!!!

Karen quietly passed on this morning at about 2:30 AM.  Her body is no longer holding her back.

We will love you forever deary!!!
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.

Braden

So little time, so many memories!

One of the things I love most and find the most infuriating about Karen is her inability to quit.  If you give her something to do she will give it her all even if you tell her it's impossible or that she can't do it.  Especially, if you tell her she can't do it.

This morning I didn't think she would be able to walk out of the room, even with my help.  Last night I had to carry her down the stairs on my back and I was not looking forward to the pain it would cause her to help her out of bed this morning.  With pure grit she had me pull her onto weak, wobbly legs then leaned into me and had me help her to her recliner.  The only recliner out of hundreds she sat in that felt remotely comfortable.  The recliner I decided to buy for her shortly after her terminal cancer diagnosis.  The recliner where she held Becca and James so many times.

Becca in a milk 'comma'

Becca and James in Karen's lap after 3 days in the hospital (Feb 2015)

It is amazing how many memories can be tied to something so simple.  There are times when I hope won't be able to look at that chair without thinking of Karen and the love she has for James and Rebecca; of the time we shared, the memories we made, and everything she did for me!

An hour or two ago I just sat and held her hand for a while.  I squeezed her hand three times and got a little twitch in return.  There were many times when we would hold hands in church or somewhere else where we couldn't or didn't want to say 'I love you' aloud to on another.  We found a way around that.  One of us would squeeze the other's had three times for 'I love you' to which the response was two squeezes for 'ditto' with the response to that being a single squeeze for 'good'.

Some of you may remember the game 'murder in the dark' where everyone would hold hands in a circle and a 'killer' would be randomly chosen.  If your hand was squeezed once you were dead, otherwise you would squeeze the person on your other hand one less than you had been squeezed.  Why do I explain this?  Sometimes if we were in a movie theater and one of us was feeling goofy we would do the 'I love you game' and change it at the end to 'murder in the dark'.  When one of us got the single squeeze we would slump in our seats making the other person giggle, laugh, or even snort.  This usually happened at some climatic or touching moment when laughter was not appropriate.  The number of looks we got I can't even count.

I will have to write down all of the inside jokes we have at some point.  There are just too many for one night but writing this one has been a sort of panacea for the last few days so thank you for reading the ramblings of a grieving husband.

Braden

Memories, pictures and more...

This will be a pretty short post.  I and a few others are trying to compile pictures, stories, and videos to help James and Rebecca remember their mom.  If you have anything like that please share it with us and them.  The stories can be posted here or on my Facebook page or the Facebook Hope for Hoth page.  If we're not already friends just send me an invite.  If you're not on Facebook let me know and other arrangements can be made.  If it's a story the comments section here would work as well.  Anything is better than nothing!

Time is short for Karen.  She hasn't been eating much lately and today she was unable to swallow her medications.  It is heartbreaking to watch this but worse than that is the thought of her kids not knowing her so please share what you can of Karen with them.

Thank you,
Braden

Every moment is precious

A few weeks ago I did a candlelit dinner for Karen.  She has tried to do one for us several times since we have been married but something always came up or went wrong so we had never really had one.  I decided I needed to make it happen for her so I made our favorite meal.  Fettuccine alfredo with garlic pepper and basil seasoned cherry tomatoes, and grilled chicken.  We had some sparkling cider to go with it and for dessert had mousse pie (made by Karen's mother from milk chocolate, cool whip, and cream cheese on a gluten free graham cracker crust).

Later in the weekend we went for a walk up the road.  Originally it was just supposed to be me and the kids but Karen had my mom get her wheelchair out and start pushing her up the lane.  When I noticed what was happening I turned the kids around and went back.  I pushed Karen in the chair up the road and stopped at the canal.  Later in the day we walked over to the neighbor's where the kids were able to see the goats.

This past Saturday we relaxed in the morning and in the afternoon had some family pictures taken.  Karen conserved her energy in the morning and was very active for the pictures (I will post some when we have them).

Sunday I took the kids to church while Karen stayed home with her mom.  My sister, Katrina, and her husband, Nate, stopped by in the early afternoon and then her brother, Phil, and his wife, Jordan.  In a way it was bitter sweet to see them.

The last few weeks Karen hasn't been able to put the kids to bed so the other night I took them to her one at a time.  She is so weak standing up is an effort for her.  Her body is shutting down bit by bit which has been very difficult to watch and know there is nothing we can do.

We try to make life as enjoyable as possible for her.  The owners of the local Jamba Juice gave Karen a gift card which I often use to grab a smoothie which she ends up splitting it with the kids.

Emotionally, it has been a difficult couple of weeks since Karen began hospice.  She has gotten much weaker and sleeps much of the time.  It has been hard to watch such a vibrantly active person become home bound.  She does still get out of bed in the morning with help but it is purely an act of will on her part.  There are still sweet moments between her, James, and Rebecca but they have become fewer as the days go by.

Speaking with Karen's hospice nurse makes us realize the time is short and it can be measured in weeks or even days.  With this knowledge, tears have come more frequently for me in the past week than they have since she was diagnosed just over two years ago.  Knowing I will see her again and reconciling that with the ache in my soul at being separated for probably several decades will take time, patience, and love to accomplish.  She has been a part of my life in one form or another for almost 25 years and I will miss seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, and watching her play with or read stories to the kids.  I have pictures and videos, but it isn't the same as holding her hand, giving her a hug, or tickling her feet.

The saying that 'parting is such sweet sorrow' is very appropriate.  Seeing her essentially trapped in a body that isn't working has me longing for her release from this life some days.  Other days I am grateful for every second she can spend with us.  Most of the time I am somewhere in between while hoping and praying to be able to accept what is happening.

During this time the hospice staff, volunteers, ward members, and family have been very supportive and attentive to our needs.  It is difficult to express the love and appreciation I feel for everyone and what you do for my wife and children on a daily basis, often with no thought of being rewarded or even thanked for your efforts.  I will try to keep everyone updated but it has not been easy to find the time to keep everyone that knows and loves Karen up to date on her condition.

Braden