It's Time!

It's been a long time since my last post, as usual.  In that time the kids have grown a lot and we have had some fun.  James is now in first grade and Becca is going to kindergarten.  It has been an interesting transition to have both kids in school at the same time.

There have been several things lately that have seemed surreal to me.  The top of that list would be the passing of Karen's and mine's 18th wedding anniversary on August 9th.  It was the fourth anniversary to pass without her.  It is strange to think it's been that long, it feels like such a short time ago yet it seems like another lifetime.  Time and its passing can be strange sometimes.

There was a family reunion the first of July where the kids were able to have fun with cousins and get out on the water.  James loves to ride in the boat but he also loves to play with his cousins on the beach.  Watching him decide which to do can be a fun experience.

Kiddos riding in the boat!

I trained for and completed a bike relay race called Saints to Sinners at the end of July.  It's over 500 miles and goes from Salt Lake to Las Vegas.  My portion was 'only' about 100 miles.  If you have ever heard of a Ragnar this is a bike version of it.  I learned a lot about myself and how much my body can take.  The short version is that I am not pushing my body even close to its limits.  Our bodies are amazing gifts capable of so much when we treat them right; healing, growing stronger, overcoming illness, and so much more.

Me finishing the bike portion of a triathlon relay (CVSS this was some of my training).

One friend swam while another did the running.

The end of the bike relay!

There was an excellent singles conference in Ogden that I was able to attend.  It felt great to hear such good speakers and presenters as well as being around so many people in similar situations.  My eyes have been opened in the last few years to the life experiences of a lot of different people.

Halloween was...interesting.  James changed his mind about what he wanted to dress up as about 5 times.  I was on my way out the door one night dressed as Gru from Despicable Me and asked the kids if they wanted to be my minions?  They got very excited about the idea.  It was a little late to find costumes but with a lot of luck, a little ingenuity, a few Google searches, and some help from a grandma we were able to put it all together.  That's life though.  Sometimes we end up throwing things together at the last minute.

Our themed costumes.

In other preparation for Halloween we carved pumpkins.  And by 'we' I mean I carved the pumpkins, all three of them.  This is the first time the kids have had carved pumpkins and it lead to James wanting to dress up as a jack-o-lantern for Halloween - for about a week.  There are more and more firsts for the kids as they get older, and more firsts for me.  Between James and Becca the Tooth Fairy is being kept busy.  Becca has lost four (two were knocked out last year) with three more loose while James is up to six lost teeth including his two front teeth.  He will be able to sing the Christmas song, 'All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth' with feeling this year.

Pumpkins carved and the top is coming off!

The 'Pumpkin Toss' just before Halloween.

A couple of the pumpkins are stuffed with candy for the kids!

During the month of October I took a break from Facebook.  There were a number of events that lead up to the break.  Family, work, and personal stresses were taking a toll on me and my well being, specifically the spiritual, emotional, and mental aspects.  Add into the mix being a single parent and something had to give.  I also felt like I needed to take the advice of the prophet, President Russell M. Nelson, to take a break from social media, to do a social media fast.  The results were more time for the things that mattered and more restful sleep at night!

Sidewalk chalk is cheap entertainment!

For the last several months I have felt changes are coming my way though what those changes are I don't know for sure.  There is a feeling of something and hints of what it could or might be but nothing specific or concrete like a flashing neon sign.  I had a friend tell me it's not what I think and that what I hope for is years off.  That didn't go over well with me.  I responded with fear and anger, damaging a friendship that has been a source of help and comfort over the last few years.

When Karen was first diagnosed each day during rounding one of her doctors would tell her she was going to die and to get her affairs in order.  Seeing the hope she worked so hard to build each day sucked out of her because a doctor thought she needed a wake-up call was horrible and heart wrenching.  It in turn drained hope from me that took weeks to nurture and rebuild.  I know the doctor was trying to do what they thought best but I recognize they weren't taking everything into account.  We are all human and make mistakes.

What I'm getting at is the comment from my friend was a giant grief trigger for me.  Intellectually I knew they were trying to give me the benefit of their experience yet emotionally I was hurt and flashing back to seeing the hope being leeched out of Karen as well as feeling the hope being siphoned out of my own life.

To whoever reads this, please remember that without hope life becomes drudgery so treat the people around you with love and consideration by nurturing their hopes.  I wish I had taken that advice when my friend made the comment.  If I had maybe I would not have hurt them in turn.

Right now I'm trying to take life as it comes, one day at a time and working towards the personal and family goals I have set.  Remembering Karen's mantra "I am going to beat this. I have plans for tomorrow!" and continuing to remind myself that "Tomorrow is today!"  It's time to make a change.  It's time to stand up.  It's time to be what I want to be.  It's time to act.  It's time to own today.  It's time!


Braden

P.S. Here are some links to previous blog posts with similar themes as the end of this post.  Now to remember and keep building!
http://ihaveplansfortomorrow.blogspot.com/2017/07/halfway-through-summer.html

http://ihaveplansfortomorrow.blogspot.com/2017/11/hope-and-purpose.html

Across 4 Mothers Days!

Warning, this post was written with some mixed emotions.

Exactly six years ago today I was able to see Karen celebrate her first Mothers Day as a mother. It was a great experience and while I can't remember much of anything that happened that day I remember the joy she and I felt. I also remember that joy came after more than a decade of Mothers Days before where she wondered if she would ever be a mother.

Today also marks the 4th Mothers Day since she passed which means my kids have known more of their lives without their mother than with her. It's a little sobering to think about it in those terms. One day they will be able to see their mother again, one day I will be able to see them give her the hugs I know they want to give her now, one day I will be able to hear their shouts of joy.

So today I will make sure to read them their bedtime stories (one each), read scriptures with them, have personal and family prayers with them, tuck them in, and sing them a song if they want. It will be the normal routine, the only routine they remember, the one without their mom. And while she may be there in spirit my heart breaks every time I hear them say, "I miss my mommy!"

As anyone who has lost a loved one knows, it can be hard finding the desire to live let alone get out of bed! For over 3 years I have made sure to get out of bed each morning, maybe not always early and bright eyed, but each time my foot hits the carpet next to my bed it's a victory!

In that time I have learned to do more than simply exist, I have learned to push myself physically, spiritually, mentally, and socially. In those 3 years I have grown in each of those areas and am a bit surprised at all of the changes; piano, road biking (after a partial knee replacement), counseling (as a patient), dancing, dating (off and on), party host, and most of all dad (with a little mom in there too). I wonder if Karen's passing was a gift of sorts, a gift of realizing the stagnated potential for growth and self improvement that is within each of us.

Nap time on a Sunday afternoon.

He told me later he didn't fall asleep!  :D

With these kids I'm trying, though I don't always succeed, to live life to the fullest knowing I will have good times and bad; more happiness and more sorrow; more memories with my children, friends, and family. And perhaps in all of that living I will even get to have the joy of witnessing someone else become mother to these wonderful little children! Someone that will embrace the challenge of raising 2 of someone else's children with a slightly crazy, sometimes too serious, and definitely imperfect guy.

Happy Mothers Day!!!

Braden

What 5 Year Plan...

A friend of mine talked to me about his five year plan just before he got married.  Marriage hadn't been in his plan and he had wanted to wait before getting into anything serious but life had other plans for him.  It started me thinking a bit about my own plans.  Just over five years ago I was in a community that I loved with one child and another on the way.  I had a job working with and for a great group of people.  Things were looking up!  The only issue was Karen's health during her second pregnancy.

It was five years ago today that the gastroenterologist told me that Karen had colon cancer after he finished her colonoscopy.  The day before we had received the results of the CT scan showing the 'apple core' mass in her colon which they said was only one possibility.  On Valentines Day we received the biopsy results.  We had hoped everyone was wrong, oh how we had hoped but stage 4 colon cancer became our reality.  Goals went out the window and life turned into a day to day focus, then a week to week, then month to month.  After two years our lives once again turned to a week to week and then a day to day focus as Karen's mortal life came to an end.

Just before Becca was born!

After Karen started chemo and was improving but Becca was still in the NICU

Home form the hospital and together as a family!

Karen with the kiddos.

Our 13th anniversary!

Family trip!

Momma and kiddos!

More momma and kiddos!

Even more momma and kiddos!

This is the smile and attitude I remember!!!

Fast forward five years and my life doesn't bear much resemblance to what I had planned except I still have two kids.  I could spend time comparing what I had expected with what is but I know from personal experience that it wouldn't do much good.  Does all this mean I shouldn't have a goal or a plan?  No, it just means it would be better to remember in any plan that life doesn't always turn out as expected.  I can have goals and plans for achieving those goals but sometimes no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do I will come up short.  That's not a bad thing, it's just life.

Fun times with the kids!

Hanging out with the kids!

More kid time!

Fun faces!

However, in that struggle I may end up going down an even better path and accidentally, at least in my own eyes, achieving something better that I had dreamed.  I may end up finding out I am much more capable and have far more potential, even in this life, than I thought possible.  I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 2:9 "But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him."

When I talk about religion or my personal beliefs on this blog it is usually indirectly.  One thing I want to make clear though is that so much of what and who I am is tied up in my faith.  Faith in Christ and His power to heal and help, to guide and comfort, to inspire and teach, and to strengthen and calm.  So while I don't talk about religion or personal belief directly I want anyone reading this to know God is real, that he loves us because we are His children, and that no matter where you are He can help.

Braden

Endings and beginngs

Christmas has come and gone with a new year just around the corner.  Over the course of the past couple of months we have celebrated holidays and spent time together as a family.  We have had a couple of snowy days, some days with just us, a couple of travel days, and some relaxing days.

Most of the time it's a lot of fun to watch and listen to the kids play.  Sometimes, especially when they can't get outside, they have too much energy for me.  It seems like they are literally bouncing off of the walls.  A couple of times I have actually asked them to run up and down the stairs 10 times to burn off some of that energy!

All together.

They were excited to help

Trying on daddy's suit coat.

Family still continues to help with the kids.  I am very grateful for their help and the blessing they are to us.  Around the holidays there are times when the loneliness and sense of loss just hits me in the gut.  For some reason this year was harder in some ways than the past 2 years.  I think part of it is some frustration combined with not getting enough sleep and exercise.  That means there is something I can do about it.  Another thing I would like to do is just spend more time having fun with the kids.  Today I sat and held James while we watched a football game on TV.  It was one of those perfect moments that help get me through the hard days.

   

Headstands on the couch - no hands, dad!

   

She built the tower all by herself

James in his new suit!

Funny faces for the camera!

Christmas was good with lots of family and time with the kids.  Without Karen around sometimes it still feels lonely.  That loneliness sometimes makes it feel as though I don't belong.  It's ironic but when I feel that I don't want to socialize much which can actually make it more difficult for me to get rid of the loneliness.  Another term for it could be a feedback loop.  When I'm lonely I don't want to get out so I end up feeling more alone.  On the other side of that if I get out and have some fun or socialize then I don't feel lonely and am more likely to feel like being involved.  Hopefully that makes sense!

Becca's gifts with her old helmet to remind her to wear it.

James's gifts (the helmet was already his and was a reminder for him to wear his helmet when riding the new skateboard.

Daddy's gifts on Christmas.

So one of the cool experiences over Christmas was a gift the kids received from an aunt, one of Karen's sisters.  Before Karen passed she had acquired a pattern for a homemade kids tee-pee.  When going through her sewing stuff a while back Karen's mom found the pattern and liberated it for Karen's sister to use.  The result is one of those cool little things that happen.  It makes me wonder how many more times Karen can help with a gift for the kids!

The tee-pee

I tried something new this year with the kids and had them pick out a present for each other.  Both wanted Legos when I talked to them.  So I helped each in turn pick out some Legos for their sibling.  The way I look at it this is a way for them to learn how to give and not just receive at Christmas or other times.

They bought each other a set of Legos for Christmas.

Becca loves grandma!

I originally started to write a post a couple of weeks ago but never finished it.  When I came back to continue it almost everything was out of date and it needed to be started over.  While looking over the post and thinking about what to write the realization hit that there is a parallel to life, a lesson for me to learn.  If something is started and then not followed through on it can become obsolete or rotten in a way.  Friendships, family relationships, and other interpersonal relationships can be the same way.  When neglected or not nourished they can become stale or stagnant.  The things that matter most in life need consistent and devoted attention.  Now I know something I will be working on this next year!

Happy New Year everyone!
Braden

Holidays and traditions

With the holiday season approaching I am looking at the changes of the past few years.  It has gone from two people from different families trying to meld, create, or maintain traditions to me trying to figure out what I'm doing!  This much I do know, Christmas starts a lot sooner when you're doing the shopping for little kids, there are way too many things my kids (especially James) want, and online shopping can make things sooo much easier if you already know what you want.

Rockin the hearts!

Having some fun at the local Pumpkin Walk.

More fun!

Just chillin' together!

Halloween was fun with the kids dressing up and 'begging' for candy from seemingly random people.  It's interesting how strange a custom or tradition can sound when it is restated or related to others who don't have the same or similar reference points.  Rather than carve pumpkins we opted for glow in the dark stickers though the glowing part was severely lacking...

One side of the not so glow in the dark pumpkins.

The other side of their pumpkins (avoided a lot of mess with the stickers)

The practice run for trick or treating.

At the beginning of October I had the thought to get together with other single parents occasionally on Monday nights.  When I contacted someone I know with kids it turns out they had been doing something similar in the recent past so they just started it back up and added me into the mix.  It's nice to get together with other people and their kids.  Children just bring an extra energy to a gathering.  That energy isn't always welcome such as when you're sick or not feeling well, but when you're down and need a hug or a good belly laugh kids are there for you.

Winter can't get here soon enough for them!

Monkey see, monkey do!

They love to have fun together.

The daddy jungle gym. 

But daddy, it can't be time for bed, I'm not tired at all!

 

A spur of the moment trip to the cemetery.

James came up with the idea for this homemade lightsaber and put it together solo!

Crashing in dad's room (on the floor!) for the weekly sleepover.

Some more creative costuming and accessorizing by James!

Right now I'm just living life and doing my best to enjoy the fun moments with my kids.  Sometimes it gets a little lonely not having a spouse to talk to or bounce ideas off of but I am figuring out other ways to fill that part of my life whether it is talking to or spending time with family, co-workers, or friends going through something similar.  We're all in this together so we might as well be there for each other.  Please feel free to comment or contact me.

Braden