Halfway through summer

Once again a lot has happened since my last post.  Spring ran its course and we made it through the one year mark of Karen's passing.  One year was a big milestone and not an easy day for me.  Something that helped was Karen's brother having a little girl on the one year mark.  In Karen's honor he and his wife gave their new little girl the name Karen as a middle name.  It took them a lot longer to decide on the first name though...

I have made a few trips with the kids.  Each trip was planned so James and Becca would hopefully sleep for most of the ride.  It worked until they woke up.  Until that happened the trips were great.  After that it required some adjustment and lots of patience.  All I will say is some kids are cranky when they wake up!

Kiddos playing with the cousins and their kittens.

Family Home Evening with grandma and grandpa!

Family Home Evening with grandma and grandpa!

Becca found a bench just her size with some friends on one of our trips!

The month of May brought a lot of memories; our engagement anniversary (May 5th), Mothers' Day, Karen's birthday, and then Memorial Day.  I had been seeing someone during the last part of April and all through May but a few days into June we broke up.  As a consequence I don't really have much motivation to date right now.  Someone else going through a similar experience put it well, I'm just not where I feel I need to be.

The fourth of July was fun with a pancake breakfast.  After the breakfast I went to work for a bit to catch up on some projects then it was on to a parade in the afternoon.  The kids had fun grabbing candy though James didn't like getting sprayed with water.  Every time a float came around with a water gun he would step off of the road

James happy with his 'loot'

Becca styling her cousin's hat.

The middle of July is when my parents hold a family reunion for all of their descendants.  We spent Friday at the lake with cousins and I even managed to get James and Becca with me on the tube behind the boat.  Saturday was spent at my parents' house on the homemade slip and slide.  Becca took a turn or two on it but for some reason James stayed away from it.  I probably over did it on the slide running up and down and giving extra pushes to the kids.  Okay, I definitely overdid it since I had done a 35 minute bike ride just before the slip and slide.

Cousins having fun on the tube.

James chilling in the shade.

Becca was someone's shadow for a while during the reunion.

Becca smiling for the camera.

I'm not sue if you're supposed to be that serious reading the comics...

My knee is still recovering from the surgery a year ago.  It is getting much stronger though there has been some talk of an additional surgery to move my kneecap to track more naturally.  I have been doing exercises and stretches to hopefully prevent that and a recent checkup has given me some more hope.  Biking has been a help and the road bike I got for Christmas has been great.  I will say padded shorts are a must!  Thanks to a generous coworker I now have a pair along with some biking shoes.  I acquired some gloves and I'll be putting new pedals on so I can use the shoes and clips.  Looking at me you might actually think I know what I'm doing on a bike until you get a look at my white legs!

The Saturday of the family reunion also had me attending a singles activity.  It was nice to get out but I don't quite feel like myself in social situations.  That will change with time but for now I just keep plugging along with life, trying to stay positive while doing what I can for my kids.

Becca loves packing everything upstairs in the morning.

James hamming it up for the camera with his new hand-me-down backpack.

A couple of things have helped over the last year.  One has been practicing the piano.  I am improving steadily and enjoy the challenge and seeing progress.  There are so many things in this life where it is very difficult to see the progress being made while in the thick of it.  With piano it is much easier to see the changes with the proper perspective.  I can say on such and such a date I couldn't play this piece of music and today I can.  Same with my knee and biking.  I can see the progress and milestones made with my knee becoming stronger.

Seeing improvement and tracking it is important to everyone.  I think that is why emotional and/or mental problems are so frustrating.  The progress is so incremental that it is difficult to gauge where we really are.  As most, if not all, of you know I am LDS (mormon) and there is quote that has come to mean a lot to me lately from a talk entitled "What Lack I Yet?" which I have referenced here before "...our direction is ever more important than our speed."

I often lose sight of where I am in relation to where I have been because I am focused only I what I haven't done yet or haven't overcome.  Real, permanent change does not come all at once, it comes incrementally through thousands of small choices.  Right now I am hoping that my repeated decision to get up and face the day is bearing fruit, that with time the healing and change I seek will come.  While working on that I can emphasize where I am in relation to where I was rather than on how far I still have to go.

Life is lived one day at a time so I figure I will make that same decision something like 15,000 or 20,000 more times before I will know how far I have really traveled and how much progress I have made.  Each day I read and say "I am going to beat this. I have plans for tomorrow."  Sometimes I hear Karen saying, "You are going to beat this.  I have plans for you tomorrow.  And guess what?  Tomorrow is today!"

Braden