Over the last several months I have been very busy with a number of projects such as getting things organized in and around the apartment, helping my kids through some grief and emotional issues with play therapy, training for a bike relay ride, working through some physical injuries and ailments, adjusting to a new ward with a very busy calling, organizing and putting on a conference for widows and widowers in Cache Valley, taking a self reliance - personal finance class, and making sure to keep up with all the job related tasks all while keeping up with the everyday of living life as an only parent.
Someone might ask why I would accept or choose to take on all of that, especially as a single parent. Some of it I didn't exactly choose though I could have cut some things out or declined to take them on but I wouldn't have been true to me, my faith, and my beliefs if I hadn't accepted. The deeper truth underneath it all is I have been using my 'busyness' as an excuse to justify not doing something.
You might be wondering what that something was and is. If someone were to ask me my answer would be dating. I have socialized a bit during that time, usually an hour or two at an activity or a small gathering here or there. As for dates I have been on 1 or 2 dates in the last 7 or 8 months depending on how a date is defined. My internal excuse has been that I lacked time and I could give lots of other reasons why and list all of the various negative experiences I have had in dating as justification. What it comes down to is fear of being hurt...again. I have written about that before and about buying into the lie that to date successfully and get married you have to be perfect.
Life is a journey and healing is a process. In our efforts to heal we make mistakes and since we live in an imperfect world we hurt others and are hurt by others. Here comes the but or the yet...yet I believe we are here to learn by experience and nobody living on this little planet will get through this life without making mistakes.
I also don't think anyone will get through this life without receiving emotional and physical hurt from another person or doing emotional and physical hurt to another person. As is often the case with emotional hurts we often don't know if we have caused pain for someone or even the extent of that pain. I'm sure many of the people by whom I have been hurt didn't realize they had hurt me, let alone that they intended to hurt me.
On the other side there are some that do intend to hurt people and those are the ones to stay away from! I'm getting a bit off topic here so let me refocus...Pain and fear of pain, hiding from what I have been asked to do, and using excuses, even 'good' or 'valid' ones.
It's interesting how we often know what we need to do on some level whether you view it as an instinct, subconscious thinking, intrinsic knowledge, or spiritual promptings. I personally believe there are many things we feel should do that are spiritual promptings from a loving Heavenly Father. I would go a step further and say I know they are spiritual in nature and despite the attempts of friends, enemies, or strangers to convince me otherwise I will act on that basis.
Now you might ask why do I feel the need to write this post. Well, that would be one of those spiritual promptings. I can see the benefit of it in multiple ways. First, I am able to process and refine my thoughts and views as I write, review, edit, and re-write. Second, I'm sure others have had similar thoughts even if they aren't along the exact lines. This way they know they aren't alone. Third, who knows if someone reading this might see in it a kindred spirit and I can make a new friend. Fourth, this recommits me to the path of dating and leaves me without pretense or excuse.
As I said above writing helps me to process and in putting these thoughts down I have found my mind and heart opening up to the idea of dating again. I know what the Lord is asking of me and I will be accountable for that knowledge. The only question is how to go about it with the many demands on my time.
In any case I am choosing to trust and have faith in a loving Heavenly Father and His Son. I am choosing to believe there is a way forward for me regardless of any desired, expected, or hoped for outcome on my part. My faith is not contingent on a good life without challenges, trials, hard times, disappointments, or heartaches. I believe almost the opposite, that true and lasting faith is strengthened in the midst of the opposition and struggles we face when it is based in and on Jesus Christ.
And so I choose to hope for a better world and believe in good things to come, better things, the best things! Oh, and if you have any tips or suggestions about where to meet people or fun and inexpensive things to do on dates I'm all ears.
Wish me luck ;)
Braden
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