Living life a day at a time!

This last month has been fun with the kids.  Becca celebrated her 4th birthday so I now have two four year old kids in the house!  Both James and Becca are resilient and able to roll with life in a way I envy.  As an example during the week they go to a different house every day I work.  They enjoy the time with friends and are able to have fun each day.

Cousin dog-pile.

Bedtime stories with grandma.

I have been keeping myself busy with work, social activities, dates, family time, and all the little things that have to be done in life.  This last Saturday was a fun one with a singles activity that I was able to take the kids to.  While there weren't many people or other kids there, we still had a good time.  We then took a detour on the way home to stop in and visit some extended family.  After that it was on to some shopping and lunch with just the kids and me.  Once I got the kids home it was off to a date which was a nice way to end the day.

Saturday mornings with dad!

The time change today made life interesting as our church starts at 8:00 AM.  I am trying to figure out who deserves more of my ill will right now.  The people that started day light savings, those who refuse to end it, or the people who came up with the idea to start church at 8:00 AM on a Sunday.  So many choices!

Fun with legos.

Right after this we had a snowball fight so I'm not sure if she is done with winter yet.

Anyway, I hope life is going well for those of you reading this.  Spring is almost here though it seems winter has decided it's not quite through yet.  If winter is here for a bit maybe I can get the kids out sledding one last time.  We just make the best of the life we have.
Braden

Keeping it positive and a small request...

So I have made it through one of the most stressful anniversary weeks with no tears and only feeling down on Saturday when I went searching through our storage unit for some games.  Once the emotions started flooding back I decided it was time to stop looking and head home without the games.  I hosted a get together with games and treats for others who have lost a spouse.  We had a good time and mostly talked about life in the aftermath and swapped some funny stories.  All in all it was some good and much needed therapy.

Becca is a little cold at the dinner table.

Tuesday Becca will turn 4 and she has asked for a pink dump truck.  We'll see if I can pull that one off.  If not I will be running to the store in the next day or two to buy a doll instead.  Wish me luck!  Apparently James has been asked Becca, "Where do you want to go to eat for your birthday?" He even offered a suggestion, "Pizza Pie Cafe is a good place to go.  That's where I want to go for my birthday."  On paper it sounds so normal but when it's coming out of the mouth of a 4 year old it's hilarious!

Pasta is yummy!

Bed time and James has me in a choke hold!

My kids keep me on my toes and give me the courage to keep moving forward.  Even with them sometimes the loneliness is more acute than usual.  This past week was one of those times and was made worse by some bad timing.  Honestly, there isn't a 'good' time for a relationship to end.  Before Valentines Day rather than after is better.  And yes, we did break up the Saturday before Valentines Day.  It was on the anniversary of the day Karen went into the hospital 4 years ago.  I did have several days worth of warning which was a tender mercy.  Still,  I could wish for better timing, but hey, at least I didn't have to pay for a dinner date and then have a break up happen.  That's a definite plus in the book of practical and frugal!

After this last experience I decided rather than sit around and mope that I would dive back in.  In the last few weeks I have been reviewing how I handle changes and bad situations.  The conclusion I have come to is that I spend far too much time analyzing, reevaluating, thinking, and agonizing about the past.  It can't be changed and I just need to move on rather than dwell in the past.  With that in mind I actually ended up going out on a date with a good friend on Friday.  We had some fun and were able to catch up.  The next thing I did was send a message to a neighbor who had mentioned setting me up with someone they knew.

And lastly, I will be doing more to actively seek opportunities to go on dates instead of simply hanging out.  That means I am shamelessly appealing to friends and family to help in this process.  If you know me and know of someone I might like to get to know then send me an email or text, leave a comment here, or send me a PM on Facebook.  If you feel like introducing me to someone I won't be offended.  Two things I would like to say first.  First, I want the chance to ask questions about the person.  Second, based on the answers to those questions I reserve the right to decline.  I want to avoid any hurt feelings if that is my decision.  I accept that a friend or relative may try to set me up with someone who doesn't want to be set up with me and I'm fine with the other party saying no.  Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of even a single date with a widower who has two young kids.  There is pressure in any dating situation and I would like to avoid adding to it.

Braden

Maybe this is a trend...

It has been a good year so far and quite busy.  Unfortunately we haven't seen much more snow and I was really hoping the kids would have more of a chance to use the new sledding tubes they received for Christmas.

Becca and James hiding under the laundry baskets.

A few weeks ago I made a trip to shop for glass frames for Becca.  One eye has been drifting in a bit.  The doctor said it might correct itself on it's own but I would rather not chance it developing into a more severe problem so I decided to break loose and buy some glasses for her.  At first the adjustment wasn't quite right so they hurt her behind the ears.  Once I got her in for the second adjustment she has been much better about wearing them!

James and Rebecca are such great little kids and so fun to be around (most of the time).  They keep me humble in so many ways.  Lately I have had some trouble with my hand and arm, tendinitis, most likely due to too much biking this last year.  I have been trying to take it easy but with a couple of kids wanting daddy to carry them it can be a challenge.

Becca with her new glasses! 

Yes, they do fog up when they come inside.

James wanted to wear some glasses too.

If daddy does it then so do the kids.

If daddy does it then so do the kids.

Becca in her 'Batman' bathrobe.

Another sleeping picture.

Another sleeping picture.

Becca helping out the electrician (at a neighbor's house)

I am still taking piano lessons and enjoy both the challenge and chance to relax a bit after a long day.  It has been about a year and a half since I began and I definitely see progress.  It isn't as fast as I would like but I think the saying is 'slow progress is real progress.'

A short time after the new year I had a talk with a woman I have dated off and on over the last year.  We decided to seriously date with the purpose of seeing where things will lead, to marriage or nowhere.  This last weekend I met some of her grandparents and a few of her cousins and she met one of Karen's sisters and family.  I am trying not to get too excited about all of this but it's difficult because of how nice of a person she is and how much the kids like her (and me!).

In a couple of weeks (around Valentines Day) it will be the four year anniversary of Karen's terminal diagnosis.  I am trying to convince myself that the time around February 14th is actually a good luck omen for me instead of bad luck.  One way to look at it is that 4 years ago was the beginning of the end, 3 years ago was spent in the ICU, 2 years ago we had to separate for a few days because of bad colds and the fear of hospital stay away from family support.  One year ago was nothing.  Oh wait, I had a date with someone that I started seeing and then broke up with a while later.

The narrative above can be looked at from the other side.  It was 4 years ago that Karen was given another lease on life and we were given knowledge about what was going on and how to fight it.  A year after that we got some time away from the kids with a private room and room service.  The next year we were able to visit friends and family while on a work trip and had the means to get Karen home to where she could be comfortable.

And last year I went out with a woman that I have come to care deeply for.  Someone who has been a great friend, support, and confidant.  Someone who has trusted me with a piece of her heart and to whom I have given some of my own heart.  Where it will go I don't know but I am moving forward into this new experience with hope and optimism.  As I have said before, being pessimistic is just too depressing!


Braden

New Year New Experiences

Christmas was fun and the kids had a good time.  James did let me know Santa didn't do his job because he didn't get a pedal bike without training wheels.  Somehow he still doesn't understand (or maybe he doesn't want to understand) that the training wheels can be taken off of the pedal bike he already has.

All ready for Christmas!

Playing with the new train sets.

James's letter to Santa on the 26th letting him know he still needs a new pedal bike without training wheels...

Just our little family.

Becca using the new tube she got for Christmas.

The year started off well for me with a last minute invite to a party on New Year's Eve.  I had actually planned on going to bed early that night but when I saw the invite I decided it would be a fun way to unwind and ring in the new year.  I'm glad I went and had a lot of fun!

A few days into the new year I headed to St. George to attend a widows and widowers conference for the first time.  It was good to be around so many people that have gone through that experience.  No two stories were exactly alike, with many being drastically different and even more heart wrenching than my own, but we could all relate in a way that is difficult to explain.  It was also fun to find several people with mutual friends.

I ended up staying with the in-laws of one of my sisters-in-law.  We weren't able to catch up much but they were so helpful and gracious in allowing me to stay with them.  They even let me borrow a car while I was there.  There are so many little blessings and so much kindness in this world that we tend to overlook and forget about.  Little things really make this life great.  One such was on Sunday when I ran into the brother of a friend of mine from my time in Mount Pleasant.  It really is a small world!

It is humbling and amazing to look at all of the help I received from friends and family to make it possible for me to attend the conference.  There are a so many wonderful people with big hearts in this world and so little time to learn about and really get to know them.  Life is just too short so I will try to make the best use of the time I have with the people I am able to meet!

Happy New Year everyone!
Braden

Christmas & Miracles

The last month since Thanksgiving has been busy.  There has been a lot of shopping to do along with all of the regular, everyday things that need to be done.  Finding time for some fun with the kids has been interesting.  Just before Thanksgiving we managed to see the lights at Willow Park Zoo.

James (cool man) and Becca (cheesy smile) at Willow Park Zoo.

There have been some other fun memories in that time.  I even accepted being setup on a blind date for the first time in several months.  It was fun to get out, have some fun and just relax for a bit.

James taking care of his bloody nose.

If I can't find Becca's socks, I know where to look now!

Fun getting ready for bed.

We have had some fun adventures over the last year.  A tradition we started in December (I think) of last year were weekly sleepovers for James and Becca in my room on Friday and Saturday nights, or any night when I don't work the next day.  The kids really look forward to it now and like sleeping on the floor.  The first couple of times we did this I actually pulled an old, small mattress pad into their room.  It didn't take me long to realize I don't get much sleep when I'm on the floor.  Now that they use their sleeping bags in my room, the weekends are much more restful for me.

James and Becca were actually sick on successive nights.  One night while they were sleeping in my room Becca threw up.  The next night James came into my room though being a little sleep deprived I didn't catch the cues that he was giving about being sick.  Needless to say I spent a good portion of that morning cleaning the floor in my room.

Yes, this is really how he sleeps sometimes.  Just chillin!

Becca is a a little more 'normal'.

Becca likes to pretend she is a Pharaoh when she eats.

Definitely not a one time thing.

I have been trying to find a way to have the Christmas spirit this year.  Social activities with friends and the singles ward has been a good way to unwind and relax.  With some help from a friend I was even able to host a little movie night (Elf).  I had never seen the movie before and will probably have to go back through and watch it for all the stuff I missed.  My initial review is that it was way over the top but surprisingly funny.

When I'm around the kids it's much easier to enjoy this time of the year.  Contrast that to when I'm stressed and gets more difficult to relax and enjoy the time of the year.  I will say that decorating the tree with the kids was an experience!  It took my mind off of the likely changes coming at work.  Just being able to live in the moment and not worry about the future is a minor miracle for me sometimes.

'Helping' dad decorate the Christmas tree.

If James does it then Becca has to as well.

Reading the funny papers Sunday morning.

Snack just before bed time.  Karen's family liked to mix eggnog and black cherry soda.  It's better than you might think!

James and Becca with their sunglasses after the visit to the eye doctor.

We have been the recipients of the '12 Days of Christmas' from an anonymous group.  Each night a new piece of a nativity set has been delivered.  When the doorbell rings in the evening the kids rush to the door to see what has been left for us.  One night there was an added surprise in the form of  a gingerbread house kit.  We put it together this week and actually had some fun demolishing it to eat a couple of days later.

Our decorated gingerbread house.

This past week I was wrapping some gifts for James and Becca.  There were two gifts for James that were bought a couple of years ago.  Karen and I discussed them and decided together to buy them since it was on a really good sale (we are cheap) and we were almost positive he would like them.  Anyway, as I was labeling them the realization hit me that this would be the last Christmas when Karen would get any kind of direct say in the presents.  It brought me to tears and is just one more thing I have to grieve over.  Luckily those moments don't last long anymore.  I have learned to cope with the sense of loss and keep moving forward, to trust that everything will work out in the end.

At this time of year I have been pondering on why we didn't get the miracle we prayed and worked for.  It has taken me time to see it but there have been many miracles that I have received that I didn't ask for.  Moments of amazing peace that helped me through the trying times in between.  Flashes of understanding God's love and trust in me that I can't express with sufficient eloquence to do it justice.  Simply being able to get out of bed in the morning has been a not so minor miracle.  In many ways the lack of the miracle I desired, sought, and pleaded for was the catalyst to the miracle of faith I needed to move forward in life.  It may seem counter-intuitive that having a blessing withheld can increase faith but it has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  There have been so many moments of doubt but somehow He has helped me work through them.  I know there will be more of those in the future which He will help me through with His perfect, tender patience.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Braden

Memories and tender mercies!

Lately, I have been thinking about an incident which occurred shortly after Karen was diagnosed and I feel like I should share it here even though it is quite personal and is not something I would normally write about here.

The week Karen was diagnosed ended with me making an hour long drive home alone on a cold February night.  While driving I made a  phone call to my sister to ask that her husband and his brother (the bishop at the time) meet me at home for a blessing.  Before I could finish the call I lost the signal and was all alone driving at night on a canyon road in the middle of winter.  The pressure, loneliness, despair, and fear I hadn't allowed myself to feel came crashing in on me and within minutes I was a sobbing mess.

I didn't dare stop for fear I would just weep forever off to the side of the road and never get home.  In that desperate and frightened state I turned to God and uttered probably the most sincere, heart felt prayer of my life to that point.  I told Him why I didn't want to stop and why I needed to get home and asked for help.  I wasn't specific, I just begged for something, anything to get me through.

As I finished the prayer and to my surprise and astonishment a feeling of peace instantly came upon me.  It was like nothing I had ever experienced before though I have felt it many times since.  The raw, biting emotions were still there but it was as if a soft, warm blanket was placed between me and the pain catching my tears before they could form.  I was so taken aback that I actually tried to fight my way through that blanket, to feel the pain again, to weep.  Thankfully I couldn't get through that gentle embrace.

It was then that understanding and light entered my mind!  My Heavenly Father had answered my plea for help in my time of need.  My mind raced over the last few moments again and at that point I offered a prayer of thanks to Him for His help.  In response to my prayer of gratitude I felt as if He said, "Anytime you need it, son.  I'll help you anytime you need it."

There have been times since then when I have felt that peace.  I even talked to Karen about it and she actually laughed at me when I told her about trying to cry again.  Sometimes I just want to hold onto the pain instead of letting it go and letting God help me.  It's a lesson I am still learning!

Through this experience I gained something I didn't have before, a testimony and witness of God's Love for each of His children and His desire to care for, bless, and help each one of us.  He knows our needs, our true needs, not the wants or fleeting whims of the moment.  I learned that prayers are answered and that real need is not judged by me, but by Him who knows me better than I know myself.  I also learned that expressing gratitude for the blessings He gives brings even more blessings.  There are other things that have been and can be taken from this but I'll leave it at this for now.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and can remember the Reason for the Season!

Braden

Hope and Purpose

I recently realized I had gotten away from my original purpose in writing this blog.  To begin it had been a way to communicate quickly to friends and family what was happening.  Over time it became a way to foster hope in me and Karen.  Since Karen passed it has felt more like an obligation or onerous duty rather than a joy to continue with this blog.  I had stopped writing for me.  Well, over the last few weeks I have felt the need to write again, to help myself remember and regain some of the hope and optimism I so readily felt in the darkest moments of my life.

The tag line or mantra that I have lived by, the torch that was passed to me needs to be rekindled and I have been thinking a lot about that tag line:  "I am going to beat this.  I have plans for tomorrow."  What does it mean to "beat this"?  In answer it means living today, in today without giving thought to tomorrow.  Today is where tomorrow is made and tomorrow is only made by making it through today.  My plan for tomorrow is to wake up, get up, and make the next tomorrow possible.  I make the tomorrow possible by living the best lift I can right now, not simply existing, by having hope, not despair.

With all that being said there is a lot of catching up to do!  At last checking I updated this in July and since then I have:  (Scroll through the pictures to see what we have been up to.  There is a summary at the bottom).

Like my 'new' shoes?

James showing dad how to vacuum.

Daddy's biking shoes are toys!  (Thanks again to my coworker for hooking me up with some free biking shoes, they fit perfectly and work great)

He told me that is his cape which is great since Karen wanted to get a bib for him that said, "These fools put my cape on backwards!"

 If James does it I can do it too (better).

Cool dude! (And according to him he's handsome, not cute or adorable)

Looking at the eclipse using a pinhole in paper - It worked better than I thought it would and beat sharing the glasses!

Ready for church on Sunday.

I had wanted Becca to be one of the girls from Despicable Me.  That hat is perfect!

A little cold the morning of the father and 'sons' camp out.

Guess who was pulling the handcart for the kids?

Just before bedtime with grandma.

Canning pears with the in-laws (Karen's sisters, Emily and Diana)

Just before a 50 mile bike ride around Bear Lake with my riding buddy Louise (sister-in-law).  Special thanks to my friend Howard for letting us sleep at his house when he wasn't even home.  I did have to get some cold weather gear at the last minute which has come in handy since then.

Thank goodness it's over - the last 5 miles were brutal!

It was off to Subway across the street for lunch.  Believe it or not I could still walk.

Pretending to be asleep on dad's bed!

Do these help me see better?

The start of the pumpkin walk - about 5 minutes later James had to go to the bathroom.

Always ready to pose!

Becca got in after James said he was going to run her over.

For comparison from last year.

Some cool engineering at the pumpkin throw.

More cool stuff!

Becca and her 'smile'.

All the catapults or trebuchets in a line.  They threw some pumpkins loaded with candy for the kids so that was fun.  A pre-Halloween sugar rush! 

James found a comfy pad!

I'm Gru from Despicable Me and they are both honey bees (not bumble bees).

Made it through a partial eclipse with the kids and grandparents, made it through a wedding anniversary without Karen, went to a singles conference, Labor day weekend, went on a father and sons overnight camping trip (took Becca and James), canned pears with my in-laws, attended numerous singles activities and events, both James and Becca started attending preschool and love it, trained for and completed a 50 mile bike ride around Bear Lake (in 30 degree weather), hosted a get together (potluck soup lunch) for local widows and widowers, achieved a goal of losing 100 lbs (same day as the 18 month mark of Karen's passing) which is also the day I took the kids to the pumpkin walk, went to the pumpkin throw, had the first primary program for James (he did great with a little ad-lib thrown in), made it through Halloween and trick-or-treating with the kids (even dressing up for the first time as an adult), went to a Jazz game for the first time in over 15 years (my second Jazz game) though the Jazz lost :(.

I think that gets us all caught up and gives me an incentive to be more regular in tracking the good times I have!

See you around,

Braden