Memories and tender mercies!

Lately, I have been thinking about an incident which occurred shortly after Karen was diagnosed and I feel like I should share it here even though it is quite personal and is not something I would normally write about here.

The week Karen was diagnosed ended with me making an hour long drive home alone on a cold February night.  While driving I made a  phone call to my sister to ask that her husband and his brother (the bishop at the time) meet me at home for a blessing.  Before I could finish the call I lost the signal and was all alone driving at night on a canyon road in the middle of winter.  The pressure, loneliness, despair, and fear I hadn't allowed myself to feel came crashing in on me and within minutes I was a sobbing mess.

I didn't dare stop for fear I would just weep forever off to the side of the road and never get home.  In that desperate and frightened state I turned to God and uttered probably the most sincere, heart felt prayer of my life to that point.  I told Him why I didn't want to stop and why I needed to get home and asked for help.  I wasn't specific, I just begged for something, anything to get me through.

As I finished the prayer and to my surprise and astonishment a feeling of peace instantly came upon me.  It was like nothing I had ever experienced before though I have felt it many times since.  The raw, biting emotions were still there but it was as if a soft, warm blanket was placed between me and the pain catching my tears before they could form.  I was so taken aback that I actually tried to fight my way through that blanket, to feel the pain again, to weep.  Thankfully I couldn't get through that gentle embrace.

It was then that understanding and light entered my mind!  My Heavenly Father had answered my plea for help in my time of need.  My mind raced over the last few moments again and at that point I offered a prayer of thanks to Him for His help.  In response to my prayer of gratitude I felt as if He said, "Anytime you need it, son.  I'll help you anytime you need it."

There have been times since then when I have felt that peace.  I even talked to Karen about it and she actually laughed at me when I told her about trying to cry again.  Sometimes I just want to hold onto the pain instead of letting it go and letting God help me.  It's a lesson I am still learning!

Through this experience I gained something I didn't have before, a testimony and witness of God's Love for each of His children and His desire to care for, bless, and help each one of us.  He knows our needs, our true needs, not the wants or fleeting whims of the moment.  I learned that prayers are answered and that real need is not judged by me, but by Him who knows me better than I know myself.  I also learned that expressing gratitude for the blessings He gives brings even more blessings.  There are other things that have been and can be taken from this but I'll leave it at this for now.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and can remember the Reason for the Season!

Braden