Christmas & Miracles

The last month since Thanksgiving has been busy.  There has been a lot of shopping to do along with all of the regular, everyday things that need to be done.  Finding time for some fun with the kids has been interesting.  Just before Thanksgiving we managed to see the lights at Willow Park Zoo.

James (cool man) and Becca (cheesy smile) at Willow Park Zoo.

There have been some other fun memories in that time.  I even accepted being setup on a blind date for the first time in several months.  It was fun to get out, have some fun and just relax for a bit.

James taking care of his bloody nose.

If I can't find Becca's socks, I know where to look now!

Fun getting ready for bed.

We have had some fun adventures over the last year.  A tradition we started in December (I think) of last year were weekly sleepovers for James and Becca in my room on Friday and Saturday nights, or any night when I don't work the next day.  The kids really look forward to it now and like sleeping on the floor.  The first couple of times we did this I actually pulled an old, small mattress pad into their room.  It didn't take me long to realize I don't get much sleep when I'm on the floor.  Now that they use their sleeping bags in my room, the weekends are much more restful for me.

James and Becca were actually sick on successive nights.  One night while they were sleeping in my room Becca threw up.  The next night James came into my room though being a little sleep deprived I didn't catch the cues that he was giving about being sick.  Needless to say I spent a good portion of that morning cleaning the floor in my room.

Yes, this is really how he sleeps sometimes.  Just chillin!

Becca is a a little more 'normal'.

Becca likes to pretend she is a Pharaoh when she eats.

Definitely not a one time thing.

I have been trying to find a way to have the Christmas spirit this year.  Social activities with friends and the singles ward has been a good way to unwind and relax.  With some help from a friend I was even able to host a little movie night (Elf).  I had never seen the movie before and will probably have to go back through and watch it for all the stuff I missed.  My initial review is that it was way over the top but surprisingly funny.

When I'm around the kids it's much easier to enjoy this time of the year.  Contrast that to when I'm stressed and gets more difficult to relax and enjoy the time of the year.  I will say that decorating the tree with the kids was an experience!  It took my mind off of the likely changes coming at work.  Just being able to live in the moment and not worry about the future is a minor miracle for me sometimes.

'Helping' dad decorate the Christmas tree.

If James does it then Becca has to as well.

Reading the funny papers Sunday morning.

Snack just before bed time.  Karen's family liked to mix eggnog and black cherry soda.  It's better than you might think!

James and Becca with their sunglasses after the visit to the eye doctor.

We have been the recipients of the '12 Days of Christmas' from an anonymous group.  Each night a new piece of a nativity set has been delivered.  When the doorbell rings in the evening the kids rush to the door to see what has been left for us.  One night there was an added surprise in the form of  a gingerbread house kit.  We put it together this week and actually had some fun demolishing it to eat a couple of days later.

Our decorated gingerbread house.

This past week I was wrapping some gifts for James and Becca.  There were two gifts for James that were bought a couple of years ago.  Karen and I discussed them and decided together to buy them since it was on a really good sale (we are cheap) and we were almost positive he would like them.  Anyway, as I was labeling them the realization hit me that this would be the last Christmas when Karen would get any kind of direct say in the presents.  It brought me to tears and is just one more thing I have to grieve over.  Luckily those moments don't last long anymore.  I have learned to cope with the sense of loss and keep moving forward, to trust that everything will work out in the end.

At this time of year I have been pondering on why we didn't get the miracle we prayed and worked for.  It has taken me time to see it but there have been many miracles that I have received that I didn't ask for.  Moments of amazing peace that helped me through the trying times in between.  Flashes of understanding God's love and trust in me that I can't express with sufficient eloquence to do it justice.  Simply being able to get out of bed in the morning has been a not so minor miracle.  In many ways the lack of the miracle I desired, sought, and pleaded for was the catalyst to the miracle of faith I needed to move forward in life.  It may seem counter-intuitive that having a blessing withheld can increase faith but it has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  There have been so many moments of doubt but somehow He has helped me work through them.  I know there will be more of those in the future which He will help me through with His perfect, tender patience.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Braden

Memories and tender mercies!

Lately, I have been thinking about an incident which occurred shortly after Karen was diagnosed and I feel like I should share it here even though it is quite personal and is not something I would normally write about here.

The week Karen was diagnosed ended with me making an hour long drive home alone on a cold February night.  While driving I made a  phone call to my sister to ask that her husband and his brother (the bishop at the time) meet me at home for a blessing.  Before I could finish the call I lost the signal and was all alone driving at night on a canyon road in the middle of winter.  The pressure, loneliness, despair, and fear I hadn't allowed myself to feel came crashing in on me and within minutes I was a sobbing mess.

I didn't dare stop for fear I would just weep forever off to the side of the road and never get home.  In that desperate and frightened state I turned to God and uttered probably the most sincere, heart felt prayer of my life to that point.  I told Him why I didn't want to stop and why I needed to get home and asked for help.  I wasn't specific, I just begged for something, anything to get me through.

As I finished the prayer and to my surprise and astonishment a feeling of peace instantly came upon me.  It was like nothing I had ever experienced before though I have felt it many times since.  The raw, biting emotions were still there but it was as if a soft, warm blanket was placed between me and the pain catching my tears before they could form.  I was so taken aback that I actually tried to fight my way through that blanket, to feel the pain again, to weep.  Thankfully I couldn't get through that gentle embrace.

It was then that understanding and light entered my mind!  My Heavenly Father had answered my plea for help in my time of need.  My mind raced over the last few moments again and at that point I offered a prayer of thanks to Him for His help.  In response to my prayer of gratitude I felt as if He said, "Anytime you need it, son.  I'll help you anytime you need it."

There have been times since then when I have felt that peace.  I even talked to Karen about it and she actually laughed at me when I told her about trying to cry again.  Sometimes I just want to hold onto the pain instead of letting it go and letting God help me.  It's a lesson I am still learning!

Through this experience I gained something I didn't have before, a testimony and witness of God's Love for each of His children and His desire to care for, bless, and help each one of us.  He knows our needs, our true needs, not the wants or fleeting whims of the moment.  I learned that prayers are answered and that real need is not judged by me, but by Him who knows me better than I know myself.  I also learned that expressing gratitude for the blessings He gives brings even more blessings.  There are other things that have been and can be taken from this but I'll leave it at this for now.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and can remember the Reason for the Season!

Braden

Hope and Purpose

I recently realized I had gotten away from my original purpose in writing this blog.  To begin it had been a way to communicate quickly to friends and family what was happening.  Over time it became a way to foster hope in me and Karen.  Since Karen passed it has felt more like an obligation or onerous duty rather than a joy to continue with this blog.  I had stopped writing for me.  Well, over the last few weeks I have felt the need to write again, to help myself remember and regain some of the hope and optimism I so readily felt in the darkest moments of my life.

The tag line or mantra that I have lived by, the torch that was passed to me needs to be rekindled and I have been thinking a lot about that tag line:  "I am going to beat this.  I have plans for tomorrow."  What does it mean to "beat this"?  In answer it means living today, in today without giving thought to tomorrow.  Today is where tomorrow is made and tomorrow is only made by making it through today.  My plan for tomorrow is to wake up, get up, and make the next tomorrow possible.  I make the tomorrow possible by living the best lift I can right now, not simply existing, by having hope, not despair.

With all that being said there is a lot of catching up to do!  At last checking I updated this in July and since then I have:  (Scroll through the pictures to see what we have been up to.  There is a summary at the bottom).

Like my 'new' shoes?

James showing dad how to vacuum.

Daddy's biking shoes are toys!  (Thanks again to my coworker for hooking me up with some free biking shoes, they fit perfectly and work great)

He told me that is his cape which is great since Karen wanted to get a bib for him that said, "These fools put my cape on backwards!"

 If James does it I can do it too (better).

Cool dude! (And according to him he's handsome, not cute or adorable)

Looking at the eclipse using a pinhole in paper - It worked better than I thought it would and beat sharing the glasses!

Ready for church on Sunday.

I had wanted Becca to be one of the girls from Despicable Me.  That hat is perfect!

A little cold the morning of the father and 'sons' camp out.

Guess who was pulling the handcart for the kids?

Just before bedtime with grandma.

Canning pears with the in-laws (Karen's sisters, Emily and Diana)

Just before a 50 mile bike ride around Bear Lake with my riding buddy Louise (sister-in-law).  Special thanks to my friend Howard for letting us sleep at his house when he wasn't even home.  I did have to get some cold weather gear at the last minute which has come in handy since then.

Thank goodness it's over - the last 5 miles were brutal!

It was off to Subway across the street for lunch.  Believe it or not I could still walk.

Pretending to be asleep on dad's bed!

Do these help me see better?

The start of the pumpkin walk - about 5 minutes later James had to go to the bathroom.

Always ready to pose!

Becca got in after James said he was going to run her over.

For comparison from last year.

Some cool engineering at the pumpkin throw.

More cool stuff!

Becca and her 'smile'.

All the catapults or trebuchets in a line.  They threw some pumpkins loaded with candy for the kids so that was fun.  A pre-Halloween sugar rush! 

James found a comfy pad!

I'm Gru from Despicable Me and they are both honey bees (not bumble bees).

Made it through a partial eclipse with the kids and grandparents, made it through a wedding anniversary without Karen, went to a singles conference, Labor day weekend, went on a father and sons overnight camping trip (took Becca and James), canned pears with my in-laws, attended numerous singles activities and events, both James and Becca started attending preschool and love it, trained for and completed a 50 mile bike ride around Bear Lake (in 30 degree weather), hosted a get together (potluck soup lunch) for local widows and widowers, achieved a goal of losing 100 lbs (same day as the 18 month mark of Karen's passing) which is also the day I took the kids to the pumpkin walk, went to the pumpkin throw, had the first primary program for James (he did great with a little ad-lib thrown in), made it through Halloween and trick-or-treating with the kids (even dressing up for the first time as an adult), went to a Jazz game for the first time in over 15 years (my second Jazz game) though the Jazz lost :(.

I think that gets us all caught up and gives me an incentive to be more regular in tracking the good times I have!

See you around,

Braden

Halfway through summer

Once again a lot has happened since my last post.  Spring ran its course and we made it through the one year mark of Karen's passing.  One year was a big milestone and not an easy day for me.  Something that helped was Karen's brother having a little girl on the one year mark.  In Karen's honor he and his wife gave their new little girl the name Karen as a middle name.  It took them a lot longer to decide on the first name though...

I have made a few trips with the kids.  Each trip was planned so James and Becca would hopefully sleep for most of the ride.  It worked until they woke up.  Until that happened the trips were great.  After that it required some adjustment and lots of patience.  All I will say is some kids are cranky when they wake up!

Kiddos playing with the cousins and their kittens.

Family Home Evening with grandma and grandpa!

Family Home Evening with grandma and grandpa!

Becca found a bench just her size with some friends on one of our trips!

The month of May brought a lot of memories; our engagement anniversary (May 5th), Mothers' Day, Karen's birthday, and then Memorial Day.  I had been seeing someone during the last part of April and all through May but a few days into June we broke up.  As a consequence I don't really have much motivation to date right now.  Someone else going through a similar experience put it well, I'm just not where I feel I need to be.

The fourth of July was fun with a pancake breakfast.  After the breakfast I went to work for a bit to catch up on some projects then it was on to a parade in the afternoon.  The kids had fun grabbing candy though James didn't like getting sprayed with water.  Every time a float came around with a water gun he would step off of the road

James happy with his 'loot'

Becca styling her cousin's hat.

The middle of July is when my parents hold a family reunion for all of their descendants.  We spent Friday at the lake with cousins and I even managed to get James and Becca with me on the tube behind the boat.  Saturday was spent at my parents' house on the homemade slip and slide.  Becca took a turn or two on it but for some reason James stayed away from it.  I probably over did it on the slide running up and down and giving extra pushes to the kids.  Okay, I definitely overdid it since I had done a 35 minute bike ride just before the slip and slide.

Cousins having fun on the tube.

James chilling in the shade.

Becca was someone's shadow for a while during the reunion.

Becca smiling for the camera.

I'm not sue if you're supposed to be that serious reading the comics...

My knee is still recovering from the surgery a year ago.  It is getting much stronger though there has been some talk of an additional surgery to move my kneecap to track more naturally.  I have been doing exercises and stretches to hopefully prevent that and a recent checkup has given me some more hope.  Biking has been a help and the road bike I got for Christmas has been great.  I will say padded shorts are a must!  Thanks to a generous coworker I now have a pair along with some biking shoes.  I acquired some gloves and I'll be putting new pedals on so I can use the shoes and clips.  Looking at me you might actually think I know what I'm doing on a bike until you get a look at my white legs!

The Saturday of the family reunion also had me attending a singles activity.  It was nice to get out but I don't quite feel like myself in social situations.  That will change with time but for now I just keep plugging along with life, trying to stay positive while doing what I can for my kids.

Becca loves packing everything upstairs in the morning.

James hamming it up for the camera with his new hand-me-down backpack.

A couple of things have helped over the last year.  One has been practicing the piano.  I am improving steadily and enjoy the challenge and seeing progress.  There are so many things in this life where it is very difficult to see the progress being made while in the thick of it.  With piano it is much easier to see the changes with the proper perspective.  I can say on such and such a date I couldn't play this piece of music and today I can.  Same with my knee and biking.  I can see the progress and milestones made with my knee becoming stronger.

Seeing improvement and tracking it is important to everyone.  I think that is why emotional and/or mental problems are so frustrating.  The progress is so incremental that it is difficult to gauge where we really are.  As most, if not all, of you know I am LDS (mormon) and there is quote that has come to mean a lot to me lately from a talk entitled "What Lack I Yet?" which I have referenced here before "...our direction is ever more important than our speed."

I often lose sight of where I am in relation to where I have been because I am focused only I what I haven't done yet or haven't overcome.  Real, permanent change does not come all at once, it comes incrementally through thousands of small choices.  Right now I am hoping that my repeated decision to get up and face the day is bearing fruit, that with time the healing and change I seek will come.  While working on that I can emphasize where I am in relation to where I was rather than on how far I still have to go.

Life is lived one day at a time so I figure I will make that same decision something like 15,000 or 20,000 more times before I will know how far I have really traveled and how much progress I have made.  Each day I read and say "I am going to beat this. I have plans for tomorrow."  Sometimes I hear Karen saying, "You are going to beat this.  I have plans for you tomorrow.  And guess what?  Tomorrow is today!"

Braden