Halfway through summer

Once again a lot has happened since my last post.  Spring ran its course and we made it through the one year mark of Karen's passing.  One year was a big milestone and not an easy day for me.  Something that helped was Karen's brother having a little girl on the one year mark.  In Karen's honor he and his wife gave their new little girl the name Karen as a middle name.  It took them a lot longer to decide on the first name though...

I have made a few trips with the kids.  Each trip was planned so James and Becca would hopefully sleep for most of the ride.  It worked until they woke up.  Until that happened the trips were great.  After that it required some adjustment and lots of patience.  All I will say is some kids are cranky when they wake up!

Kiddos playing with the cousins and their kittens.

Family Home Evening with grandma and grandpa!

Family Home Evening with grandma and grandpa!

Becca found a bench just her size with some friends on one of our trips!

The month of May brought a lot of memories; our engagement anniversary (May 5th), Mothers' Day, Karen's birthday, and then Memorial Day.  I had been seeing someone during the last part of April and all through May but a few days into June we broke up.  As a consequence I don't really have much motivation to date right now.  Someone else going through a similar experience put it well, I'm just not where I feel I need to be.

The fourth of July was fun with a pancake breakfast.  After the breakfast I went to work for a bit to catch up on some projects then it was on to a parade in the afternoon.  The kids had fun grabbing candy though James didn't like getting sprayed with water.  Every time a float came around with a water gun he would step off of the road

James happy with his 'loot'

Becca styling her cousin's hat.

The middle of July is when my parents hold a family reunion for all of their descendants.  We spent Friday at the lake with cousins and I even managed to get James and Becca with me on the tube behind the boat.  Saturday was spent at my parents' house on the homemade slip and slide.  Becca took a turn or two on it but for some reason James stayed away from it.  I probably over did it on the slide running up and down and giving extra pushes to the kids.  Okay, I definitely overdid it since I had done a 35 minute bike ride just before the slip and slide.

Cousins having fun on the tube.

James chilling in the shade.

Becca was someone's shadow for a while during the reunion.

Becca smiling for the camera.

I'm not sue if you're supposed to be that serious reading the comics...

My knee is still recovering from the surgery a year ago.  It is getting much stronger though there has been some talk of an additional surgery to move my kneecap to track more naturally.  I have been doing exercises and stretches to hopefully prevent that and a recent checkup has given me some more hope.  Biking has been a help and the road bike I got for Christmas has been great.  I will say padded shorts are a must!  Thanks to a generous coworker I now have a pair along with some biking shoes.  I acquired some gloves and I'll be putting new pedals on so I can use the shoes and clips.  Looking at me you might actually think I know what I'm doing on a bike until you get a look at my white legs!

The Saturday of the family reunion also had me attending a singles activity.  It was nice to get out but I don't quite feel like myself in social situations.  That will change with time but for now I just keep plugging along with life, trying to stay positive while doing what I can for my kids.

Becca loves packing everything upstairs in the morning.

James hamming it up for the camera with his new hand-me-down backpack.

A couple of things have helped over the last year.  One has been practicing the piano.  I am improving steadily and enjoy the challenge and seeing progress.  There are so many things in this life where it is very difficult to see the progress being made while in the thick of it.  With piano it is much easier to see the changes with the proper perspective.  I can say on such and such a date I couldn't play this piece of music and today I can.  Same with my knee and biking.  I can see the progress and milestones made with my knee becoming stronger.

Seeing improvement and tracking it is important to everyone.  I think that is why emotional and/or mental problems are so frustrating.  The progress is so incremental that it is difficult to gauge where we really are.  As most, if not all, of you know I am LDS (mormon) and there is quote that has come to mean a lot to me lately from a talk entitled "What Lack I Yet?" which I have referenced here before "...our direction is ever more important than our speed."

I often lose sight of where I am in relation to where I have been because I am focused only I what I haven't done yet or haven't overcome.  Real, permanent change does not come all at once, it comes incrementally through thousands of small choices.  Right now I am hoping that my repeated decision to get up and face the day is bearing fruit, that with time the healing and change I seek will come.  While working on that I can emphasize where I am in relation to where I was rather than on how far I still have to go.

Life is lived one day at a time so I figure I will make that same decision something like 15,000 or 20,000 more times before I will know how far I have really traveled and how much progress I have made.  Each day I read and say "I am going to beat this. I have plans for tomorrow."  Sometimes I hear Karen saying, "You are going to beat this.  I have plans for you tomorrow.  And guess what?  Tomorrow is today!"

Braden

Spring has sprung!

It has been a while (about 3 months) since my last post and life only seems to get busier between work, taking care of the kids, and the thousands of other things that need to be done.  Both James and Rebecca have had birthdays in that time.  My major accomplishment was making it through a month where I had two three year old kids at the same time!

Becca's birthday - Snuggled up with her 'loot'

Little TV Zombies

Playing in the snow with cousins

Eating some pizza while half asleep.

Becca was a little more awake.

Helping grandma Georgia with dinner.

I sometimes struggle about what to write here.  There are a lot of personal challenges I go through and I don't think this is an appropriate venue to vent about or share them.  For this blog I prefer to keep the tone upbeat and positive because it helps me to focus my own mind on the good in the world.  Take for instance something that happened at work a few weeks ago.  I was in a big hurry and was going to end up missing out on a good lunch, well any lunch really.  When I mentioned my lack of time in an offhand manor to a co-worker they let me know about some pot luck leftovers in the fridge and insisted I have some.  That little act let me relax and focus on the good instead of the rushed and frazzled state I was working myself into.

There are so many little things to brighten any day that I can't stay focused on the bad for too long.  Take for instance being single and no longer having Karen around.  I can focus on the loss, the bad things that have happened, and all the things that are or will be harder for me and the kids without her.  Or I can focus on the family members and friends that help me out on a daily basis.  People I feel closer to now than ever before.  People who love me and my children.  People that know kind acts are their own reward.  If I let it, the negative can outweigh the bad.  In fact, one bad thing can outweigh a thousand good things.  If I Let It.  Where do I choose to put my attention and focus, on me and the bad or on others and the good that happens in the world?

Playing with some educational toys.

More toy time!

Looking all grown up reading the paper.

Just chilling on the couch at grandma's house.

Goofing off on the swing.

Story with the cousins before nap time at aunt Shandrae's.

Shopping but they both had to be 'in' the cart!

'Becca bug'

Eating dinner with grandma.

If Becca has her picture taken James wants one too.

So on to the next subject, my social life.  Trying to balance work, family life, continued healing, and a social life has been a real learning experience for me.  Approached in the right way my healing can be accomplished using all of those facets of my life.  Feeling connected to coworkers, family, and friends gives me energy and optimism.  It does take effort or desire on my part which has waxed and waned over the last several months.  Sometimes I just don't feel like getting out and having fun.  When I catch myself feeling like I don't deserve or shouldn't be having fun without Karen I try to remind myself life is to be lived.

I am not here to merely exist and get through the day, to endure.  I am here to enjoy this existence, to learn and grow which means I need to be around people.  There have been a lot of good people who have been brought into my life over the last year.  Figuring out who I am again has been a learning experience.  Going to singles activities and getting to know people has helped in more ways than I had thought.

To end here are answers to questions some of you probably want to ask.  Am I dating?  Yes I am actively dating.  Am I in a relationship?  Yes, but only in the sense that all friendships are relationships.  No, I am not exclusively seeing anyone.  How are the kids doing?  They are doing well though James and Becca seem to be missing their mommy more in the last few months.  Other than the occasional breakdown by them or me we are a fairly normal family that relies on extended family for help daily.

I hope you have a great day!

Braden

2017 - New Year, new challenges!

I have been meaning to put an update since just after Thanksgiving.  James and Becca are doing well with an ability to be happy regardless of the circumstances that I envy and am trying to emulate.

To catch up I'll have to go back to the first of November.  The days after Halloween the kids would ask for their candy which would be rationed out.  Each had their own bag and both knew where it was located so they could point and ask anyone for a piece.  It was always fun to hear them asking for just one more piece.  Gratefully, there wasn't much candy and it ran out in a couple of weeks.

Thanksgiving was fun spending time with family and catching up.  Karen's parents headed out of town for the holiday so it wasn't hard to balance time between families.  Thanksgiving morning James and Becca took all the cushions off of a couch.  I caught them in the act and told them to put the cushions back on the couch so that is exactly what they did!  The next day I really missed Karen and her presence.  It just doesn't seem quite right to be having fun without hearing her voice and laughter.

They did exactly what I told them to do.

'Reading'

Playing together?

Ready to go out.

Shopping helpers!

December had a few family birthdays to be celebrated.  The week before Christmas my family does a live nativity with music and scriptures while kids represent the parts of Mary, Joseph, shepherds, and wise-men.  This year Becca and James were Mary and Joseph.  I tired my hand at playing the piano for a couple of Christmas songs.  I have a lot of room for improvement for next year.

Becca and James and Mary and Joseph.

Apparently James thought the other pose wasn't manly enough.

As Christmas approached I once again noticed Karen's absence.  Probably because December 23 was the 8 month mark of her passing.  With help from family, friends and co-workers I managed to recover from the few depressive dips.

Christmas Eve brought a big dinner with Karen's family.  It was nice to be with them and feel a little of Karen's lively spirit.  While it wasn't the same it felt right to be there.  Later that night I assumed the job Karen normally carried out on Christmas Eve of putting out the stockings and arranging gifts.  It made me grateful for her at the same time that I so badly missed her!  This year was a right of passage in some ways.  All of the gift selection and shopping was done by me.  Not an easy task or one I am suited for but I struggled through it just like everything else that has been thrown my way.  I may not do the job the best way possible but it gets done.

James's new bike.

Becca's new bike.

Christmas morning the kids had fun opening gifts after which we had a large breakfast with Karen's family.  The morning also brought a large snow storm which meant I had to work for my breakfast clearing snow before I could even park my car in the driveway.  My father-in-law, Glade, was busy clearing the sidewalks and driveways of a few neighbors.  He is a great example of someone who is always ready and willing to help others.  The fact that they include me and my kids is great.  I have heard from others that have gone through the loss of a spouse and in-laws are not always welcoming or including.  There are so many ways in which we have been blessed in this journey.

Two very different gift opening styles

Rebecca throwing away the wrapping paper

Rebecca and her new baby stroller

James opening his gifts.

Christmas morning breakfast

Christmas day had shortened church meetings which meant there was plenty of time for dinner at my parents' house with my family after which was round two of gift opening.  The kids really enjoyed unwrapping everything though Becca has to be the tidiest kid I have ever seen opening presents.  After each piece of wrapping paper was torn off she would put it in the trash bag grandma was holding.  James, being the typical 3 year old boy, enthusiastically ripped the paper off.

Six olives and only five fingers!

Anything Becca can do I can do.

Gift opening round two.

Cousins playing together

The day after Christmas I helped my dad setup some of his gifts and helped him shovel snow.  Becca started coming down with a flu bug (acquired from cousins) which spread to me and James.  James bounced right back but Becca's illness hung in there a little longer.  It meant we were all sick over the New Years weekend so we stayed in and watched one movie, Zootopia, and then went to bed at the normal time.  The next week or so we spent recovering our energy levels which happened much more quickly for the kids than me.  Children are resilient and bounce back so fast.  I am envious of that ability.  Helping to shovel the day after New Years made me grateful for the relative health I have enjoyed this past year.  My knee still isn't back to normal but it doesn't hold me back much except when I want to run or move quickly.

Hamming it up for the camera.

Not feeling better yet

So now we are in a new year, 2017, and hoping to keep moving forward.  A piece of Karen will always be with us for which I am grateful.  James and Becca remind me every so often that their mommy died.  After that James usually lets me know that he needs a new mommy.  It's something I am still working on but other things have been in more immediate need of attention.  What the new year will bring I don't know but I hope to keep progressing on this journey with my children, friends, and family, trusting that things get better as we focus on the good in life.

Braden

October (six months)

October wasn't too busy though the 23rd was the six month anniversary of Karen's passing.  It's hard to believe it has been that long and at the same time I catch myself thinking it has been much longer.  Time is very strange.

Waiting for the bathroom

The kids are doing well and were able to go to the Pumpkin Walk with some cousins.  For Halloween they dressed as bumblebees and actually went trick-or-treating.  Last year after showing grandma and grandpa their costumes they almost immediately took them off.  This year, it took them a door or two to get the hang of holding their bags open and saying 'Trick-or-Treat'.  Even with the prospect of candy, after about the fifth house they were asking to go back.  They did have a good time and, gratefully, they didn't end up with much candy!

Halloween costumes

With the weather turning colder the kids aren't able to ride their bikes or be outside as much.  I find myself already thinking about Christmas gifts for them.  Usually I wait until after Thanksgiving to even think about gifts or decorating.  I believe a part of it is that without Karen it's all up to me to get them presents.

Channeling the '80s

November has started me thinking about gratitude once again.  Even in hard times there is much to be grateful for; people, support (seen and unseen) and a lot of other things I would never have thought to be grateful for.

I hope everyone has a good November!

Braden