Once more into the breach...

Over the last several months I have been very busy with a number of projects such as getting things organized in and around the apartment, helping my kids through some grief and emotional issues with play therapy, training for a bike relay ride, working through some physical injuries and ailments, adjusting to a new ward with a very busy calling, organizing and putting on a conference for widows and widowers in Cache Valley, taking a self reliance - personal finance class, and making sure to keep up with all the job related tasks all while keeping up with the everyday of living life as an only parent.

Funny kiddos!

Training rides1

Reading the paper?

Day trips!

My first solo triathlon!

Sunday mornings.

More training rides!

Fun at The Little Mermaid.

After we finished the bike relay ride!

Sprained ankles

Conference info...(it's over now)

Someone might ask why I would accept or choose to take on all of that, especially as a single parent.  Some of it I didn't exactly choose though I could have cut some things out or declined to take them on but I wouldn't have been true to me, my faith, and my beliefs if I hadn't accepted.  The deeper truth underneath it all is I have been using my 'busyness' as an excuse to justify not doing something.

You might be wondering what that something was and is.  If someone were to ask me my answer would be dating.  I have socialized a bit during that time, usually an hour or two at an activity or a small gathering here or there.  As for dates I have been on 1 or 2 dates in the last 7 or 8 months depending on how a date is defined.  My internal excuse has been that I lacked time and I could give lots of other reasons why and list all of the various negative experiences I have had in dating as justification.  What it comes down to is fear of being hurt...again.  I have written about that before and about buying into the lie that to date successfully and get married you have to be perfect.

Life is a journey and healing is a process.  In our efforts to heal we make mistakes and since we live in an imperfect world we hurt others and are hurt by others.  Here comes the but or the yet...yet I believe we are here to learn by experience and nobody living on this little planet will get through this life without making mistakes.

I also don't think anyone will get through this life without receiving emotional and physical hurt from another person or doing emotional and physical hurt to another person.  As is often the case with emotional hurts we often don't know if we have caused pain for someone or even the extent of that pain.  I'm sure many of the people by whom I have been hurt didn't realize they had hurt me, let alone that they intended to hurt me.

On the other side there are some that do intend to hurt people and those are the ones to stay away from!  I'm getting a bit off topic here so let me refocus...Pain and fear of pain, hiding from what I have been asked to do, and using excuses, even 'good' or 'valid' ones.

It's interesting how we often know what we need to do on some level whether you view it as an instinct, subconscious thinking, intrinsic knowledge, or spiritual promptings.  I personally believe there are many things we feel should do that are spiritual promptings from a loving Heavenly Father.  I would go a step further and say I know they are spiritual in nature and despite the attempts of friends, enemies, or strangers to convince me otherwise I will act on that basis.

Now you might ask why do I feel the need to write this post.  Well, that would be one of those spiritual promptings.  I can see the benefit of it in multiple ways.  First, I am able to process and refine my thoughts and views as I write, review, edit, and re-write.  Second, I'm sure others have had similar thoughts even if they aren't along the exact lines.  This way they know they aren't alone.  Third, who knows if someone reading this might see in it a kindred spirit and I can make a new friend.  Fourth, this recommits me to the path of dating and leaves me without pretense or excuse.

As I said above writing helps me to process and in putting these thoughts down I have found my mind and heart opening up to the idea of dating again.  I know what the Lord is asking of me and I will be accountable for that knowledge.  The only question is how to go about it with the many demands on my time.

In any case I am choosing to trust and have faith in a loving Heavenly Father and His Son.  I am choosing to believe there is a way forward for me regardless of any desired, expected, or hoped for outcome on my part.  My faith is not contingent on a good life without challenges, trials, hard times, disappointments, or heartaches.  I believe almost the opposite, that true and lasting faith is strengthened in the midst of the opposition and struggles we face when it is based in and on Jesus Christ.

And so I choose to hope for a better world and believe in good things to come, better things, the best things!  Oh, and if you have any tips or suggestions about where to meet people or fun and inexpensive things to do on dates I'm all ears.

The promise of better things to come.

Wish me luck ;)

Braden

What will be, will be...

A few things with regards to relationships and dating have been on my mind lately.  At the moment that area of my life is pretty much non-existent.  Due to work, taking care of kids (and myself), and a fairly demanding church calling the amount of time I have to devote to a social life is also pretty much non-existent.  And do you know what?  For now, that's okay.  Life ebbs and flows and in a while things will change so there will be time for more socializing and I am open to that when it happens.

Some of my family and friends have heard about my dating experiences over the last few years.  I think it might be helpful to share with others a little about those.  I have been out on dates with a wide variety of women; younger than me, older than me, never married, divorced, widowed, without kids, with lots of kids, with one child, with step kids, with kids who have passed away, with teenagers, with married kids, with grandkids, with toddlers or elementary school kids, women with advanced degrees, women with a high school diploma, outdoorsy, in-doorsy, high maintenance, low maintenance, active in the gospel, less active in the gospel, long distance, not so long distance, extroverted, introverted, 'ambiverted' (if there is such a word), and many other attributes or titles you might be able to think up.

There have been a variety reasons why things didn't work out; things feeling off, being incompatible, being told I was too distant, too clingy, too talkative, not talkative enough, they didn't want to start over with raising kids (aka my kids were too young or they felt my kids would be too much work without having met them), they didn't want to be a 'second' wife or compete with my late wife, fear I would go back to old ways or patterns, or something not feeling right to them.  Most of the time I don't know the reason and while that can be frustrating it's okay.  It's a part of life though being 'ghosted' isn't fun so I do my best to communicate how I'm feeling or not feeling and the direction I'm going.

A thought that has come up is that it's probably a good thing none of those relationships worked out long term.  I have learned a lot over the last 6 years and have stayed friends with many of the women I have been out with.  I definitely feel much more empathy and compassion for those in the singles world, no matter how they 'ended up' there, or here rather.  There is much to look up to about those who choose to put themselves out there after a failed marriage or death of a spouse.  There is also much to admire about those who have been single their entire adult life and still continue to hope and hold onto faith that things will work out. 

At any age dating is difficult though I think the older I get the more aware I am of people and what could go wrong.  All too often I find myself focusing on what could go wrong instead of what could go right.  If I'm looking for red flags I will find them, LOTS of them.  If I'm looking for green flags I'll find those too.  Life is built out of what I put into it and what I allow God to put into it, not what I take out of it or get out of it.

The last several months of my 'dating sabbatical' have been an opportunity to take a step back from things.  Perhaps a better way to look at it is to take a step towards my kids and the life I have now with them.  It's a great life with piano practice and lessons, movie nights, tickle fights, scriptures, bike rides, trips to visit family, hikes, road trips, lego building sessions, church, amusement parks, swimming, vacations, skiing, and many other things.

In all of that my kids still pray for a new mommy almost daily, sometimes even multiple times in a day.  For a while it hurt to hear those prayers but the last while it's been a comfort to hear the words, "and please bless for a new mommy for us and a companion for dada."

The best things in life are worth waiting for and I think when the time is right things will line up and simply happen with the right person and for the right reasons.  You see, I'm kind of a hopeless romantic, one who believes in a loving Heavenly Father, one who believes I will live the majority of my life with a wonderful woman, one who believes my children's prayers will be answered.  I choose to believe in not just good things to come, but the better things and even the best things.

I firmly believe that the best things are yet to come for me and my kids.  So often I have seen things work out when it seemed like they wouldn't.  Miracles are like that and maybe my miracle is around the corner or perhaps me and my kids are someone else's miracle.  Or maybe the best way to think of it is that we are all miracles for each other.

Braden