On relationship and thinking patterns

I have been thinking about dating relationships and what goes into a successful one and by successful I mean progressing to marriage.  More specifically what I can do to help one to be successful.

Something called confirmation bias came to my attention recently.  When it was explained to me it seemed familiar and helped me make some connections in my head.  I'm going to simplify things a bit but whether you realize it or not you can use this concept to make your life easier.  A couple of years ago a children's book salesman was making a pitch to me.  He would talk about his product then ask, "So what do you like about xyz?"  At the time I smiled to myself because I recognized what he was doing.  He was getting me to help him make his sales pitch.  When you think about it, it's really a clever way to sell something.

How does this apply to dating and relationships?  Well, over the last several years I have repeatedly noticed and thought about a saying that goes something like, "You find what you're looking for."  If you look for the bad in things you'll find it, if you look for the good you'll find it.  At first glance that seems easy.  In practice though it can prove difficult.

As an example there have been many times when I have been 'venting' and as I am 'venting' I end up building pressure instead of releasing it.  For me complaining often means I am actually looking for the bad and I'm finding it, usually more of it than is really there.  If I instead speak about the good I find more of it to talk about.

If I talk to others (friends, family, etc.) about the bad stuff in a relationship then that is what I will see.  If I talk to them later about the relationship they helpfully remind me of what I talked to them about before.  If I am positive and talk about the good I see they will remind me of that.  My mind is like that too so how I talk to myself really matters.  Self talk or my point of view becomes my reality.  And guess what, I can use that to make my life happier, and when I'm happy life is easier!

In short the principle of confirmation bias can be used to help us manage our thoughts as well as our reality.  What we think about or dwell on is what we buy and our questions are our internal sales pitches. If I say to myself, "Why do I always mess up?" what I have really done is boxed myself in.  I will be trying to answer that question, the wrong question.  Whoever said there are no stupid questions may need to rethink there hypothesis but I am off track.  A couple of better questions would be "What did I learn from this?" or perhaps "What can I do differently the next time something like this happens?"  Maybe saying, "I didn't get that quite right so what happens if I do it like this?"  If you're feeling really brave you could start the the day by asking yourself, "How is it that I find ways to help others?" or "What strengths of mine can help me with the situation I am facing today?"

Braden