It's been almost 5 years since I lost, Karen, my wife of 14 years to cancer after two years of chemo treatments. This summer it would have been our 20th anniversary. For a long time being without her each day hurt. The pain tore at my heart and soul and threatened to consume me. Many days I broke down and cried because it hurt so much. Some days I even wished I wasn't around so I didn't have to feel the pain. You could say I tried to escape the pain by making my kiddos my world or distracting myself with books, exercise, music, work, or friends. Over time I have learned to rely more on God and His Son to help me through. It has taken effort and it's not an easy road but I keep trying because I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who will wipe away all of my tears and replace sorrow with joy.
Many people wonder how to turn to God or how to keep trying. I can only speak for myself but I do that by praying to my Heavenly Father at least each morning and night, studying my scriptures to learn about God, taking time to help others (service), finding ways to be grateful (even if all I can be grateful for is a comfortable bed instead of the hard ground), accepting support and help from those around me (being loved and served), and moving forward while doing my best to trust God when I am confused about which direction to go. Over time I have learned to quiet the negative voices in my own head and to ignore most of the ones outside of it.
In all of this I think of my kids frequently and admire how well they are coping. There is something about them that is so open to being loved and loving others. For a few years after my wife passed away I was constantly trying to date and find someone for them and someone for me. My kids still occasionally ask for a new mom. Last year in 2020 I went on about half a dozen first dates and I think only one second date. It's exhausting and more often lately I'm content to be single and just live life with my kids. Yet they will grow up, go on missions, go away to college, get married, and leave me alone. Even then I think I will still miss Karen. Perhaps sometime between now and when they move out I will find someone. Life often takes unexpected turns and we don't always get what we expect or want.
Even though we don't always get what we want I do know something important. It's something at first I only wanted to believe, then I believed it, and now I know it. God loves me and He loves you. He loves us so much that He sent His only begotten Son to suffer and die for us. And Jesus Christ loves His Father and us so much that He willingly suffered and died so that we could overcome death, pain, and the sorrows of this world. Not only that, he wants us to have joy. God lives and loves each us and because of His Son all of us will live again, which means so will my wife!
Braden
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