Getting through hard times

It's been almost 5 years since I lost, Karen, my wife of 14 years to cancer after two years of chemo treatments.  This summer it would have been our 20th anniversary.  For a long time being without her each day hurt.  The pain tore at my heart and soul and threatened to consume me.  Many days I broke down and cried because it hurt so much.  Some days I even wished I wasn't around so I didn't have to feel the pain. You could say I tried to escape the pain by making my kiddos my world or distracting myself with books, exercise, music, work, or friends.  Over time I have learned to rely more on God and His Son to help me through.  It has taken effort and it's not an easy road but I keep trying because I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who will wipe away all of my tears and replace sorrow with joy.

Many people wonder how to turn to God or how to keep trying.  I can only speak for myself but I do that by praying to my Heavenly Father at least each morning and night, studying my scriptures to learn about God, taking time to help others (service), finding ways to be grateful (even if all I can be grateful for is a comfortable bed instead of the hard ground), accepting support and help from those around me (being loved and served), and moving forward while doing my best to trust God when I am confused about which direction to go.  Over time I have learned to quiet the negative voices in my own head and to ignore most of the ones outside of it.

In all of this I think of my kids frequently and admire how well they are coping.  There is something about them that is so open to being loved and loving others.  For a few years after my wife passed away I was constantly trying to date and find someone for them and someone for me.  My kids still occasionally ask for a new mom.  Last year in 2020 I went on about half a dozen first dates and I think only one second date.  It's exhausting and more often lately I'm content to be single and just live life with my kids.  Yet they will grow up, go on missions, go away to college, get married, and leave me alone.  Even then I think I will still miss Karen.  Perhaps sometime between now and when they move out I will find someone.  Life often takes unexpected turns and we don't always get what we expect or want.

Even though we don't always get what we want I do know something important.  It's something at first I only wanted to believe, then I believed it, and now I know it.  God loves me and He loves you.  He loves us so much that He sent His only begotten Son to suffer and die for us.  And Jesus Christ loves His Father and us so much that He willingly suffered and died so that we could overcome death, pain, and the sorrows of this world.  Not only that, he wants us to have joy.  God lives and loves each us and because of His Son all of us will live again, which means so will my wife!

Braden

A nice massage :)

Hungry kid ate 3 of those in one sitting!

Just watching some TV chillin'.

When daddy wants to take a nap, everyone wants to!

Fun in the snow!

Helping clean off the car.

On relationship and thinking patterns

I have been thinking about dating relationships and what goes into a successful one and by successful I mean progressing to marriage.  More specifically what I can do to help one to be successful.

Something called confirmation bias came to my attention recently.  When it was explained to me it seemed familiar and helped me make some connections in my head.  I'm going to simplify things a bit but whether you realize it or not you can use this concept to make your life easier.  A couple of years ago a children's book salesman was making a pitch to me.  He would talk about his product then ask, "So what do you like about xyz?"  At the time I smiled to myself because I recognized what he was doing.  He was getting me to help him make his sales pitch.  When you think about it, it's really a clever way to sell something.

How does this apply to dating and relationships?  Well, over the last several years I have repeatedly noticed and thought about a saying that goes something like, "You find what you're looking for."  If you look for the bad in things you'll find it, if you look for the good you'll find it.  At first glance that seems easy.  In practice though it can prove difficult.

As an example there have been many times when I have been 'venting' and as I am 'venting' I end up building pressure instead of releasing it.  For me complaining often means I am actually looking for the bad and I'm finding it, usually more of it than is really there.  If I instead speak about the good I find more of it to talk about.

If I talk to others (friends, family, etc.) about the bad stuff in a relationship then that is what I will see.  If I talk to them later about the relationship they helpfully remind me of what I talked to them about before.  If I am positive and talk about the good I see they will remind me of that.  My mind is like that too so how I talk to myself really matters.  Self talk or my point of view becomes my reality.  And guess what, I can use that to make my life happier, and when I'm happy life is easier!

In short the principle of confirmation bias can be used to help us manage our thoughts as well as our reality.  What we think about or dwell on is what we buy and our questions are our internal sales pitches. If I say to myself, "Why do I always mess up?" what I have really done is boxed myself in.  I will be trying to answer that question, the wrong question.  Whoever said there are no stupid questions may need to rethink there hypothesis but I am off track.  A couple of better questions would be "What did I learn from this?" or perhaps "What can I do differently the next time something like this happens?"  Maybe saying, "I didn't get that quite right so what happens if I do it like this?"  If you're feeling really brave you could start the the day by asking yourself, "How is it that I find ways to help others?" or "What strengths of mine can help me with the situation I am facing today?"

Braden