Memories and tender mercies!

Lately, I have been thinking about an incident which occurred shortly after Karen was diagnosed and I feel like I should share it here even though it is quite personal and is not something I would normally write about here.

The week Karen was diagnosed ended with me making an hour long drive home alone on a cold February night.  While driving I made a  phone call to my sister to ask that her husband and his brother (the bishop at the time) meet me at home for a blessing.  Before I could finish the call I lost the signal and was all alone driving at night on a canyon road in the middle of winter.  The pressure, loneliness, despair, and fear I hadn't allowed myself to feel came crashing in on me and within minutes I was a sobbing mess.

I didn't dare stop for fear I would just weep forever off to the side of the road and never get home.  In that desperate and frightened state I turned to God and uttered probably the most sincere, heart felt prayer of my life to that point.  I told Him why I didn't want to stop and why I needed to get home and asked for help.  I wasn't specific, I just begged for something, anything to get me through.

As I finished the prayer and to my surprise and astonishment a feeling of peace instantly came upon me.  It was like nothing I had ever experienced before though I have felt it many times since.  The raw, biting emotions were still there but it was as if a soft, warm blanket was placed between me and the pain catching my tears before they could form.  I was so taken aback that I actually tried to fight my way through that blanket, to feel the pain again, to weep.  Thankfully I couldn't get through that gentle embrace.

It was then that understanding and light entered my mind!  My Heavenly Father had answered my plea for help in my time of need.  My mind raced over the last few moments again and at that point I offered a prayer of thanks to Him for His help.  In response to my prayer of gratitude I felt as if He said, "Anytime you need it, son.  I'll help you anytime you need it."

There have been times since then when I have felt that peace.  I even talked to Karen about it and she actually laughed at me when I told her about trying to cry again.  Sometimes I just want to hold onto the pain instead of letting it go and letting God help me.  It's a lesson I am still learning!

Through this experience I gained something I didn't have before, a testimony and witness of God's Love for each of His children and His desire to care for, bless, and help each one of us.  He knows our needs, our true needs, not the wants or fleeting whims of the moment.  I learned that prayers are answered and that real need is not judged by me, but by Him who knows me better than I know myself.  I also learned that expressing gratitude for the blessings He gives brings even more blessings.  There are other things that have been and can be taken from this but I'll leave it at this for now.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and can remember the Reason for the Season!

Braden

Hope and Purpose

I recently realized I had gotten away from my original purpose in writing this blog.  To begin it had been a way to communicate quickly to friends and family what was happening.  Over time it became a way to foster hope in me and Karen.  Since Karen passed it has felt more like an obligation or onerous duty rather than a joy to continue with this blog.  I had stopped writing for me.  Well, over the last few weeks I have felt the need to write again, to help myself remember and regain some of the hope and optimism I so readily felt in the darkest moments of my life.

The tag line or mantra that I have lived by, the torch that was passed to me needs to be rekindled and I have been thinking a lot about that tag line:  "I am going to beat this.  I have plans for tomorrow."  What does it mean to "beat this"?  In answer it means living today, in today without giving thought to tomorrow.  Today is where tomorrow is made and tomorrow is only made by making it through today.  My plan for tomorrow is to wake up, get up, and make the next tomorrow possible.  I make the tomorrow possible by living the best lift I can right now, not simply existing, by having hope, not despair.

With all that being said there is a lot of catching up to do!  At last checking I updated this in July and since then I have:  (Scroll through the pictures to see what we have been up to.  There is a summary at the bottom).

Like my 'new' shoes?

James showing dad how to vacuum.

Daddy's biking shoes are toys!  (Thanks again to my coworker for hooking me up with some free biking shoes, they fit perfectly and work great)

He told me that is his cape which is great since Karen wanted to get a bib for him that said, "These fools put my cape on backwards!"

 If James does it I can do it too (better).

Cool dude! (And according to him he's handsome, not cute or adorable)

Looking at the eclipse using a pinhole in paper - It worked better than I thought it would and beat sharing the glasses!

Ready for church on Sunday.

I had wanted Becca to be one of the girls from Despicable Me.  That hat is perfect!

A little cold the morning of the father and 'sons' camp out.

Guess who was pulling the handcart for the kids?

Just before bedtime with grandma.

Canning pears with the in-laws (Karen's sisters, Emily and Diana)

Just before a 50 mile bike ride around Bear Lake with my riding buddy Louise (sister-in-law).  Special thanks to my friend Howard for letting us sleep at his house when he wasn't even home.  I did have to get some cold weather gear at the last minute which has come in handy since then.

Thank goodness it's over - the last 5 miles were brutal!

It was off to Subway across the street for lunch.  Believe it or not I could still walk.

Pretending to be asleep on dad's bed!

Do these help me see better?

The start of the pumpkin walk - about 5 minutes later James had to go to the bathroom.

Always ready to pose!

Becca got in after James said he was going to run her over.

For comparison from last year.

Some cool engineering at the pumpkin throw.

More cool stuff!

Becca and her 'smile'.

All the catapults or trebuchets in a line.  They threw some pumpkins loaded with candy for the kids so that was fun.  A pre-Halloween sugar rush! 

James found a comfy pad!

I'm Gru from Despicable Me and they are both honey bees (not bumble bees).

Made it through a partial eclipse with the kids and grandparents, made it through a wedding anniversary without Karen, went to a singles conference, Labor day weekend, went on a father and sons overnight camping trip (took Becca and James), canned pears with my in-laws, attended numerous singles activities and events, both James and Becca started attending preschool and love it, trained for and completed a 50 mile bike ride around Bear Lake (in 30 degree weather), hosted a get together (potluck soup lunch) for local widows and widowers, achieved a goal of losing 100 lbs (same day as the 18 month mark of Karen's passing) which is also the day I took the kids to the pumpkin walk, went to the pumpkin throw, had the first primary program for James (he did great with a little ad-lib thrown in), made it through Halloween and trick-or-treating with the kids (even dressing up for the first time as an adult), went to a Jazz game for the first time in over 15 years (my second Jazz game) though the Jazz lost :(.

I think that gets us all caught up and gives me an incentive to be more regular in tracking the good times I have!

See you around,

Braden