Summer is upon us and it's been a fun and busy one so far. Kids want more trips, more family time, and more fun! So far we have been to Lagoon a couple of times, traveled to visit cousins, started swimming lessons, had a family reunion, and have had fun with friends and family. Plans are in the works for piano lessons, more swimming lessons, a Bear Lake trip or two, possibly another Lagoon trip, and who knows what else.
A while back as I was putting the kids to bed and had what you might call a perfect moment, a feeling a pure joy. Along with it came the realization that I have a really good life with my kids and things could continue on with the three of us on our own and that would be just fine. Following that thought came a feeling of sadness and wrongness, as if God was letting me know that's not the way things are supposed to be, that there is more in store and other arrangements for me and my kids. Up until the last two years there was often a longing in my heart for companionship. Over the last two years it has become less intense to the point that I put far less effort, energy, and thought into dating. Because of that it was a surprise when the feeling of wrongness and the sense that Heavenly Father wants more than this for me and my kids moved me to tears.
I have tried to show my kids that sometimes people get sad or cry and it's okay to feel and allow those emotions to be expressed appropriately. Noticing the tears my daughter asked if I was sad and why. I responded with a very brief explanation of being sad or lonely and my son said, "He missed mommy." There was an element of missing Karen but most of it was brought on by that sense of wrongness following my thought. Seeing my kids wanting a mom and hearing them pray every night for a new mommy was also a part. Saying I was sad or lonely deflected a complicated explanation which I would probably be unable to make to 7 & 8 year old kids.
In the course of this Becca apparently decided she was going to solve the problem and said she could help me find a new mom. When I asked how her response was, "I can be friendly and ask if they are single. Then I will ask if they want to marry you and they will say maybe, then they will say yes." Such innocent optimism! All of it made me laugh and helped distract me from the emotional rollercoaster I had been on just a few moments before.
As for dating...well it feels like I need to wait for now. Why or what for, I am not completely sure. What I am sure of is that Heavenly Father has something in store for me, possibly something I haven't seriously considered or considered at all. So for now I wait...
Braden
