Keeping it positive and a small request...

So I have made it through one of the most stressful anniversary weeks with no tears and only feeling down on Saturday when I went searching through our storage unit for some games.  Once the emotions started flooding back I decided it was time to stop looking and head home without the games.  I hosted a get together with games and treats for others who have lost a spouse.  We had a good time and mostly talked about life in the aftermath and swapped some funny stories.  All in all it was some good and much needed therapy.

Becca is a little cold at the dinner table.

Tuesday Becca will turn 4 and she has asked for a pink dump truck.  We'll see if I can pull that one off.  If not I will be running to the store in the next day or two to buy a doll instead.  Wish me luck!  Apparently James has been asked Becca, "Where do you want to go to eat for your birthday?" He even offered a suggestion, "Pizza Pie Cafe is a good place to go.  That's where I want to go for my birthday."  On paper it sounds so normal but when it's coming out of the mouth of a 4 year old it's hilarious!

Pasta is yummy!

Bed time and James has me in a choke hold!

My kids keep me on my toes and give me the courage to keep moving forward.  Even with them sometimes the loneliness is more acute than usual.  This past week was one of those times and was made worse by some bad timing.  Honestly, there isn't a 'good' time for a relationship to end.  Before Valentines Day rather than after is better.  And yes, we did break up the Saturday before Valentines Day.  It was on the anniversary of the day Karen went into the hospital 4 years ago.  I did have several days worth of warning which was a tender mercy.  Still,  I could wish for better timing, but hey, at least I didn't have to pay for a dinner date and then have a break up happen.  That's a definite plus in the book of practical and frugal!

After this last experience I decided rather than sit around and mope that I would dive back in.  In the last few weeks I have been reviewing how I handle changes and bad situations.  The conclusion I have come to is that I spend far too much time analyzing, reevaluating, thinking, and agonizing about the past.  It can't be changed and I just need to move on rather than dwell in the past.  With that in mind I actually ended up going out on a date with a good friend on Friday.  We had some fun and were able to catch up.  The next thing I did was send a message to a neighbor who had mentioned setting me up with someone they knew.

And lastly, I will be doing more to actively seek opportunities to go on dates instead of simply hanging out.  That means I am shamelessly appealing to friends and family to help in this process.  If you know me and know of someone I might like to get to know then send me an email or text, leave a comment here, or send me a PM on Facebook.  If you feel like introducing me to someone I won't be offended.  Two things I would like to say first.  First, I want the chance to ask questions about the person.  Second, based on the answers to those questions I reserve the right to decline.  I want to avoid any hurt feelings if that is my decision.  I accept that a friend or relative may try to set me up with someone who doesn't want to be set up with me and I'm fine with the other party saying no.  Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of even a single date with a widower who has two young kids.  There is pressure in any dating situation and I would like to avoid adding to it.

Braden

Maybe this is a trend...

It has been a good year so far and quite busy.  Unfortunately we haven't seen much more snow and I was really hoping the kids would have more of a chance to use the new sledding tubes they received for Christmas.

Becca and James hiding under the laundry baskets.

A few weeks ago I made a trip to shop for glass frames for Becca.  One eye has been drifting in a bit.  The doctor said it might correct itself on it's own but I would rather not chance it developing into a more severe problem so I decided to break loose and buy some glasses for her.  At first the adjustment wasn't quite right so they hurt her behind the ears.  Once I got her in for the second adjustment she has been much better about wearing them!

James and Rebecca are such great little kids and so fun to be around (most of the time).  They keep me humble in so many ways.  Lately I have had some trouble with my hand and arm, tendinitis, most likely due to too much biking this last year.  I have been trying to take it easy but with a couple of kids wanting daddy to carry them it can be a challenge.

Becca with her new glasses! 

Yes, they do fog up when they come inside.

James wanted to wear some glasses too.

If daddy does it then so do the kids.

If daddy does it then so do the kids.

Becca in her 'Batman' bathrobe.

Another sleeping picture.

Another sleeping picture.

Becca helping out the electrician (at a neighbor's house)

I am still taking piano lessons and enjoy both the challenge and chance to relax a bit after a long day.  It has been about a year and a half since I began and I definitely see progress.  It isn't as fast as I would like but I think the saying is 'slow progress is real progress.'

A short time after the new year I had a talk with a woman I have dated off and on over the last year.  We decided to seriously date with the purpose of seeing where things will lead, to marriage or nowhere.  This last weekend I met some of her grandparents and a few of her cousins and she met one of Karen's sisters and family.  I am trying not to get too excited about all of this but it's difficult because of how nice of a person she is and how much the kids like her (and me!).

In a couple of weeks (around Valentines Day) it will be the four year anniversary of Karen's terminal diagnosis.  I am trying to convince myself that the time around February 14th is actually a good luck omen for me instead of bad luck.  One way to look at it is that 4 years ago was the beginning of the end, 3 years ago was spent in the ICU, 2 years ago we had to separate for a few days because of bad colds and the fear of hospital stay away from family support.  One year ago was nothing.  Oh wait, I had a date with someone that I started seeing and then broke up with a while later.

The narrative above can be looked at from the other side.  It was 4 years ago that Karen was given another lease on life and we were given knowledge about what was going on and how to fight it.  A year after that we got some time away from the kids with a private room and room service.  The next year we were able to visit friends and family while on a work trip and had the means to get Karen home to where she could be comfortable.

And last year I went out with a woman that I have come to care deeply for.  Someone who has been a great friend, support, and confidant.  Someone who has trusted me with a piece of her heart and to whom I have given some of my own heart.  Where it will go I don't know but I am moving forward into this new experience with hope and optimism.  As I have said before, being pessimistic is just too depressing!


Braden