Mother's Day

To say the last two weeks haven't been easy would be an understatement, but we are getting a handle on things bit by bit.  Most of the time James and Rebecca are fine but there are moments when it is just hard for them, especially James.  He occasionally wakes up in the middle of the night.  The last time he told me he cried really loud so I would hear him.  When I asked him if he missed mommy he said yes so I let him know I did too.  Once I said that he was fine and laid back down to go to sleep.

Karen and I got engaged May 5th 2001 so that day was a little rough.  Throw in Mother's Day a few days later and you might see why it hasn't been easy.  Mother's Day was especially hard for me.  After finally being able to have children the holiday was turning into something great for Karen.  Knowing how much she wanted to be a mother made the fact she had only three Mother's Days bitter.  It took a bit but I realized I needed to look at it from the other side, that she was able to celebrate her motherhood three times.  I can't change what has happened but I can change how I view it, move on, and not let it consume me.

I took the kids on a little trip this week to visit their cousins who live about an hour away.  James had been asking about them for a while so I decided to make it happen for him and Rebecca.  The kids had a blast though I ended up very tired.  That's what happens when you stay up until 1:30 AM swapping Karen stories with your wife's sister one night and go to a late movie the next.

Their family didn't make it for the fettuccine alfredo two nights before the funeral so I threw some together while I was there.  In return, they were nice enough to provide some babysitters and then treat me to a late movie in an actual theater.  The only problem with the trip is that James keeps asking to go back and is even asking to see other cousins that live even farther away.  A can of worms may have just been opened...

I frequently visit Karen's grave and try to walk there to have some alone time, focus my thoughts, and think things through.  Lately, I have had trouble being decisive.  It started a few weeks before Karen passed and has gradually gotten better since the funeral.  The last week it seems to have gotten a lot better though that could just be my judgement being totally compromised at this point.

It always amazes me how much better I feel after writing a blog post.  Talking about the problems I am facing helps some but writing it down helps even more.

Braden