Getting through hard times

It's been almost 5 years since I lost, Karen, my wife of 14 years to cancer after two years of chemo treatments.  This summer it would have been our 20th anniversary.  For a long time being without her each day hurt.  The pain tore at my heart and soul and threatened to consume me.  Many days I broke down and cried because it hurt so much.  Some days I even wished I wasn't around so I didn't have to feel the pain. You could say I tried to escape the pain by making my kiddos my world or distracting myself with books, exercise, music, work, or friends.  Over time I have learned to rely more on God and His Son to help me through.  It has taken effort and it's not an easy road but I keep trying because I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who will wipe away all of my tears and replace sorrow with joy.

Many people wonder how to turn to God or how to keep trying.  I can only speak for myself but I do that by praying to my Heavenly Father at least each morning and night, studying my scriptures to learn about God, taking time to help others (service), finding ways to be grateful (even if all I can be grateful for is a comfortable bed instead of the hard ground), accepting support and help from those around me (being loved and served), and moving forward while doing my best to trust God when I am confused about which direction to go.  Over time I have learned to quiet the negative voices in my own head and to ignore most of the ones outside of it.

In all of this I think of my kids frequently and admire how well they are coping.  There is something about them that is so open to being loved and loving others.  For a few years after my wife passed away I was constantly trying to date and find someone for them and someone for me.  My kids still occasionally ask for a new mom.  Last year in 2020 I went on about half a dozen first dates and I think only one second date.  It's exhausting and more often lately I'm content to be single and just live life with my kids.  Yet they will grow up, go on missions, go away to college, get married, and leave me alone.  Even then I think I will still miss Karen.  Perhaps sometime between now and when they move out I will find someone.  Life often takes unexpected turns and we don't always get what we expect or want.

Even though we don't always get what we want I do know something important.  It's something at first I only wanted to believe, then I believed it, and now I know it.  God loves me and He loves you.  He loves us so much that He sent His only begotten Son to suffer and die for us.  And Jesus Christ loves His Father and us so much that He willingly suffered and died so that we could overcome death, pain, and the sorrows of this world.  Not only that, he wants us to have joy.  God lives and loves each us and because of His Son all of us will live again, which means so will my wife!

Braden

A nice massage :)

Hungry kid ate 3 of those in one sitting!

Just watching some TV chillin'.

When daddy wants to take a nap, everyone wants to!

Fun in the snow!

Helping clean off the car.

On relationship and thinking patterns

I have been thinking about dating relationships and what goes into a successful one and by successful I mean progressing to marriage.  More specifically what I can do to help one to be successful.

Something called confirmation bias came to my attention recently.  When it was explained to me it seemed familiar and helped me make some connections in my head.  I'm going to simplify things a bit but whether you realize it or not you can use this concept to make your life easier.  A couple of years ago a children's book salesman was making a pitch to me.  He would talk about his product then ask, "So what do you like about xyz?"  At the time I smiled to myself because I recognized what he was doing.  He was getting me to help him make his sales pitch.  When you think about it, it's really a clever way to sell something.

How does this apply to dating and relationships?  Well, over the last several years I have repeatedly noticed and thought about a saying that goes something like, "You find what you're looking for."  If you look for the bad in things you'll find it, if you look for the good you'll find it.  At first glance that seems easy.  In practice though it can prove difficult.

As an example there have been many times when I have been 'venting' and as I am 'venting' I end up building pressure instead of releasing it.  For me complaining often means I am actually looking for the bad and I'm finding it, usually more of it than is really there.  If I instead speak about the good I find more of it to talk about.

If I talk to others (friends, family, etc.) about the bad stuff in a relationship then that is what I will see.  If I talk to them later about the relationship they helpfully remind me of what I talked to them about before.  If I am positive and talk about the good I see they will remind me of that.  My mind is like that too so how I talk to myself really matters.  Self talk or my point of view becomes my reality.  And guess what, I can use that to make my life happier, and when I'm happy life is easier!

In short the principle of confirmation bias can be used to help us manage our thoughts as well as our reality.  What we think about or dwell on is what we buy and our questions are our internal sales pitches. If I say to myself, "Why do I always mess up?" what I have really done is boxed myself in.  I will be trying to answer that question, the wrong question.  Whoever said there are no stupid questions may need to rethink there hypothesis but I am off track.  A couple of better questions would be "What did I learn from this?" or perhaps "What can I do differently the next time something like this happens?"  Maybe saying, "I didn't get that quite right so what happens if I do it like this?"  If you're feeling really brave you could start the the day by asking yourself, "How is it that I find ways to help others?" or "What strengths of mine can help me with the situation I am facing today?"

Braden

Pondering and Pontificating (for my own benefit)

For the past while I have been feeling like I should put some effort into dating yet I haven't 'felt' like it. Until the last week I hadn't really dug into why I wasn't very interested and put it down to fatigue and being jaded with the dating 'games'. The last couple of days I have had some time on my hands due to a holiday that was more quiet than usual for some reason (hmm). Anyway, it hit me that I am afraid of making a mistake. I am afraid of choosing the wrong person and things ending up in a divorce. I am afraid of things not working out and wasting my time. I am afraid of being rejected. I am afraid of hurting someone. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of my kids suffering for my mistake. In short I am afraid to try again. Part of that is due to reading and hearing about failure rates of second marriages and the troubles kids can have in them, whether they are successful or not. Another reason is due to break ups and mistakes and missteps in relationships. Some of you reading this may not realize it but many of those breakups stir up the grief and loss. Whenever that happens it feels like that raw and sensitive wound is being torn into. For a time it's like I have lost Karen all over again. The door opens to the past grief and while it's a familiar companion that I know how to cope with it still takes time to regain my balance. In those times I feel like a reeling punch drunk fighter doing everything possible to keep another blow from landing, and failing. While thinking things over I realized it's impossible to avoid the pain so I have to learn to live with it and even embrace it. In much the same way I have come to embrace the challenge of going faster or further on my bike, lifting more weight, doing more reps, or stumbling through a new piece of music on the piano I want and need to learn to embrace this other pain. In a lot of ways I have come to be oaky with being single because it's easier, and it's safer. Yet many times the easy or safe choice isn't the right way. That pain is already a part of who I am and by avoiding it or denying it I am really denying a part of myself. It's okay to get hurt, to feel the pain. What I think isn't okay is when I wallow in the pain or allow it to chase me away from the possibility of something wonderful, the possibility of things actually working out with someone. I have let that fear dictate my actions in some subtle and not so subtle ways. Looking back over the last several months it's easy to see the self sabotage, the pushing people away, and the hiding from opportunities (yes there have been some even in the middle of a pandemic). Lasting change doesn't happen overnight so I am going to apply the lessons learned elsewhere to this and see how it goes. That means I will focus more on what can go right and less to what might go wrong. I am a firm believer in 'you find what you're looking for' which means I can find a gem because that is what I'm looking for. Sometimes a gem is in plain sight but many times it has to be sought in unusual places. If you have read this far thanks for humoring my pontification of these ponderings. I'll step down from my soap box now and let myself get on with living life! Braden

Gratitudes - written from the heart

Earlier this week I had the thought to do some writing here and to 'write what came into my heart'.  My previous post was more of a journal entry without much of what is on my mind or in my heart right now.  What follows is some of that.  Since the end of August I have been writing down in my journal three things I am grateful for each day.  The first day this is what I wrote:

• Grateful for tickle fights with my kids and their laughter.
• Grateful for the ability to exercise.
• Grateful for a safe place to sleep and be comfortable.

Today I wrote:

• Grateful to be busy with callings and for the opportunities they provide to be around people.
• Grateful to hear my kids laughing as we wrestled today.
• Grateful to see my kids playing in the snow and enjoying the first snowfall of the season this morning.

As you can imagine, or may know from experience, some days that task has been easier than others.  Today it was a little easier and after I was finished a few big things came to mind.  Those big things reminded me of how far I have come and actually how little this pandemic has really affected those things.  In many ways recent events have reinforced them.

Each of the items on my list can be summarized under one 'gratitude' - I am grateful for the ability to learn, change, and grow with the help of God and others.  Yesterday while biking I saw a heavy set guy jogging.  Seeing him I wanted to yell out and say something like, "Great job!  Keep it up!  You are me 10 years ago and 4 years ago I wasn't even biking.  You got this!"  Looking at who I was a little over 10 years ago, what I valued, and more importantly where I was headed are some scary and sobering thoughts.

The job I had was killing me because I wasn't setting healthy boundaries to handle the stress well and I was lacking some key coping skills.  Church and faith were not high on my priority list.  I ate whatever I felt like whenever I felt like it.  I rarely exercised and had convinced myself I was still in okay shape.  That despite spending hours in front of the computer at work and once home often spending hours gaming at night.  I was isolated from good relationships, even my relationship with my wife.  A part of me knew something had to be done, changes needed to be made, and I needed to act.

Moving to a new city, starting a new job, coming back to church, beginning to exercise, and changing my life was not easy.  Some habits I hung onto for quite a while, like eating and gaming to name two.  I faced challenges with physical activity; sprained ankles, plantar fasciitis, and even my temper when playing basketball.  Looking back I am so grateful for Karen, family, coworkers, neighbors, ward members, and customers at work during that time.  Since Karen passed I have had tendinitis, a partial knee replacement, shoulder trouble, and carpal tunnel syndrome.  Those experiences and many other since have taught me how to handle the stress in my life, how to develop and nurture good relationships, how to have faith and trust God through hard times, how to remember, how to forget, how to apologize, how to forgive, how to keep trying when it feels like hope is gone, how to survive, then how to live, and now how to thrive.

Like everyone else I am an imperfect person trying to do the best I can which means I have to be reminded of those past lessons from time to time.  Sometimes the refresher course is painful or embarrassing yet in the end I am grateful for them.  Not always in the moment but usually afterwards when I have the perspective of a little hindsight.

For those wondering how I handle stress now I will list a few things that help.  Sometimes it's as simple as a distraction but for larger problems finding a way to change my perspective is important.  Much of the time it's about identifying an unmet or unfulfilled need so this acronym is helpful - BLAST (bored, lonely, anxious, stressed, tired).  Finding a constructive way to meet or fulfill that need is what I try to do.  Please keep in mind I am not perfect in using these, or at anything really, but I do keep trying and I think that's the key, even when motivation is gone keep trying!

• Playing piano (I started lessons a little over 4 years ago)
• Biking or other forms of exercise - I have to really push my body to the limits sometimes but having the time to think helps
• Having fun with my kids
• Listening to or reading conference talks
• Listening to audio books
• Singing - I'm not very good so it's only in the car or the shower
• Talking to someone - it doesn't even have to be anything I am worried about
• Getting out and having fun
• Writing
• Helping someone else - selfless service gets my mind off of me and my own problems
• Reading a book
• Reading scriptures
• Meditation
• Deep breathing
• Acceptance
• Fear setting (stoicism and it's probably not what you think)
• Going for a drive
• Hanging out with a friend
• Cataloging - identifying 3 objects and their function
• GRATITUDE - this one is HUGE for me!
• Less sugar - more fruits and vegetables
• Less social media
• More sleep

I hope this helps someone because just writing it has helped me to remember once again how far I have come.  There is still a very long way to go but it's not so overwhelming when I remember the past and all of those successes.

Braden

P.S.

This is something James wrote.

I think he still misses his mommy!!

Why was Halloween cancelled?!

Halloween has come and gone once again.  With the pandemic things were a bit different though I did try to keep it as normal as possible.  James and Becca both wanted to dress as characters from Spiderman.  Becca got to be the Ghost-Spider while James asked to be Spiderman.  Unfortunately all of the classic Spiderman costumes were either sold out or too small for him.  There was a costume from the 'Universe 2' Spiderman a.k.a. Mile Morales.  Don't ask me what that all means because I'm a little lost with all the different versions of Spiderman out there now!

Trick-or-treating was only done at our house.  My parents and I each manned an outside door while the kids went randomly between each of the 3 doors asking for candy.  It wasn't ideal but they had fun and we made sure to give out a handful or two of candy each time they knocked.

Tick or treating.

Becca with two bags for candy!

James caught up and got his bag back.

Later James asked me why Halloween was cancelled.  I explained it wasn't cancelled and pointed out he was able to dress up, go trick-or-treating, and enjoy time with family.  COVID has really done a number on things!  I recently found out that Becca has been worried about her friends at daycare getting sick because they don't wear masks and hug each other.  How we approach explanations as adults really has an affect on the world view of our kids, sometimes in ways we don't expect.  At the very least I may need to talk with someone at school.

Carving pumpkins!

On a side note, and perhaps a bit morbid, I learned that I passed away.  At least according to the letter addressed to my 'estate' from a collection service that specializes in debt collections from the estates of deceased persons.  I wonder how long it will take to straighten things out and how this latest mix up happened...

Picture day for the kids was delayed a couple of weeks ago due to 'technical difficulties'.  It was probably a good things since I hadn't paid for a picture package.  By the time the make up day had rolled around we were good to go.

Picture day with hair all combed and shirts picked ou!

After dinner the other night I was talking to my mom:

Me:  I'm feeling pretty good tonight.  I did something for everyone in the family today.

James:  You didn't do anything for me!

Me:  I made you dinner.

James:  Dinner sucked.

A little later after talking to him about being nice:

James:  Ok, dinner was good but I didn't like it.

It's not only about teaching honesty but also teaching how and when to use it, or maybe ways to be lovingly honest and using tact.

Dinner.

Last Sunday the kids asked to drive to the 'water cave'.  At first I was a little puzzled by what they meant but after a few questions I realized they meant Ricks Springs.  Its just off the road up the canyon and they have been there a few times.  Before we had driven halfway there James and Becca were asking me, "Are we there yet?"  I told them no and they kept asking every minute or two.  A couple of minutes before the pullout they asked to turn around and go home.  I let them know it was close and kept going but it I wonder if there have been times when have turned around just before I got to something I wanted because I didn't realize how close I was...

Climbing some rocks at the 'water cave'

Melting pumpkins

Braden

Random thoughts

Several years ago someone told me it wouldn't be wise to start a romantic relationship around an anniversary date or a special time of year.  At first it sounded like solid advice to me.

However, looking at things logically it would be almost impossible for me to find a time of year that wasn't special in one way or another to me and Karen after having been in each others' lives for 20+ years.  Let me take you through each month of the year keeping in mind this is off of the top of my head without consulting a calendar or journal.

January - New Years and lots of memories there with fun in the snow or trips to visit friends and family as well as a stay in the ICU at Huntsman after a surgery.

February - Well, duh Valentine's Day... plus there is the whole birthday for Becca and the cancer diagnosis along with the start of our last family vacation.  I almost forgot a stay in the ICU.

March - Karen was released from the hospital after almost passing away plus James was born.  It was also the time of most of our last family vacation.

April - Our last date, our last walk together and so many other lasts including her last breath not to mention her funeral.

May - Engagement anniversary, Mother's Day, her birthday, and Memorial Day.

June - My birthday, Father's Day and the start of summer.

July - 4th and 24th of July holidays and so many fun times in the summer with parades, vacations, and family reunions.  There was also the last time we moved, her colectomy, and her radio embolization.

August - Wedding date and anniversary trips along with our move away from Cache Valley.

October - Halloween with all the decorations, pumpkin carving, parties, etc.

November - Clean up from Halloween then Thanksgiving and all those memories along with a memorable hospital stay due to dehydration.

December - Christmas and the start of winter as well as all the trips we took together.  Not to mention the first time we held hands!

So that leaves September to meet, court, get engaged, plan a wedding and get married.  I guess that means better luck to me next year :D

Oh wait!!  September has Labor Day, and our epic first family vacation with both James and Becca.  The one where we took a 10 day 2000 mile road trip when both kids were under 2 in between Karen undergoing chemo treatments.  I guess I am just plain out of luck then!

In all seriousness, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of Karen.  The vast majority of those days it is a somewhat muted longing for her voice, her words, her wisdom, her counsel, her laugh, her humor, or her touch.  Occasionally those thoughts and feelings are quite poignant or sharp, threatening to drag me into the dark abyss of grief and pain.  Thankfully those dark times are few and far between now.

The point of the advice given I think is more to look at where the focus of my life is.  After all I don't want to be getting involved with someone when my thoughts are really focused on someone else.  Is that focus in the past or perhaps the no longer attainable dreams with a departed spouse?  Or is that focus in the present with the memories being created and unfolding before my eyes moment to moment?

Just a few things I have thought about over the last few years.

I have plans for tomorrow and tomorrow is today!

Braden

Time Slides on by

It has been an interesting year so far, as in the Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times!"  Kids finished up the end of the 2019-20 school year at home.  The summer was fun with lots of small trips and mini adventures spending time outdoors and with family.  The 2020-21 school year began with the kids going back to school everyday, albeit with masks and a slightly shorter school day.

There have been a few things on my mind lately one of which being the challenges we all face.  I trained for and then participated in a 100+ mile bike ride, aka a century ride, on July 11th.  Physically, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in a single day.  I was able to keep up with a very fast group for the first 25 miles or so and then ended up falling behind going up a canyon.  At the next aid station I was able to get in a small group which makes things much easier, a lot less lonely, and much more enjoyable.  We stayed together and added people to our group until they lost me going up another set of hills.  The last 15-20 miles was very difficult and lonely.  Luckily, most of my preparation was on solo rides so I was used to it if not the physical exhaustion that began to set in.

A few weeks later I noticed my motivation for physical activity waning and prayed for some help.  It wasn't long after that when a friend contacted me out of the blue asking if I was up for doing a relay ride from Salt Lake to Saint George called Salt to Saint which is similar to a Ragnar.  Riders take turns on their bike all day and all night from start to finish.  I felt good about my training since last year I had completed a similar relay called Saints to Sinners that goes from Salt Lake to Las Vegas.

About 2 weeks before the ride I developed thrombosed hemorrhoids which can be excruciating, and were in this case.  For the first time in my life I almost passed out due to pain!  I had experienced them once before about 4 or 5 years ago.  This time around I had an idea of what to do and went to the doctor the first day I knew what was happening.  It raised some concerns about if I would be able to participate  in the ride or not.  The surgeon said I couldn't do any more damage and that my riding would come down to whether or not I could tolerate the pain.  A week, 2 medical procedures, and lots of pain later I was still doubting if I would be able to participate in the ride.

I was fast slipping into a depressed funk!  The ride had become something I was really looking forward to and didn't want to miss out.  It was supposed to be a way to be normal in all the craziness of COVID-19 and election year rhetoric, a reason to take a day off of work, and a much needed time to destress via social and physical outlets.  I prayed and pleaded (and a little chewing out), received a blessing from my dad, and tried to hold onto hope while staying off of my bike to let my body heal.

A couple of days before the ride I got on my bike to see how things felt.  I felt okay riding without too much pain thanks to my padded and low friction biking shorts.  Despite that I didn't get back on my bike until a few minutes before my first leg Friday afternoon.  As I started riding my muscles warmed and loosened up.  When it was my turn the adrenaline kicked in and I had to hold myself back a bit so I didn't go out to fast.  I was worried about going too slow since my first leg was going up a canyon and based on passed experience with canyons I believed that was my weak spot.

I was talking to someone at work while training for the relay.  In our conversation they mentioned passing me in their side-by-side while I was biking up a canyon.  They had been impressed by how quickly I was ascending.  It's interesting how our view of ourselves can be distorted and how a friend or outsider can offer another and sometimes clearer or more truthful perspective.  Here I was coming up short when comparing myself to cyclists who had been training for a decade longer than me.  The comparison trap!

While riding up that canyon I kept telling myself I was doing well and that I was good at climbing.  I set a fast pace but one I felt as sustainable.  It helped that I was familiar with the canyon, having driven it dozens, if not hundreds, of times with Karen.  I could tell I was gong fast and felt a tailwind helping me along.  Still, I didn't realize how fast I was going until I passed the first rider ahead of me, then the second, and finally a third.  That third rider stayed with me and we took turns drafting and pulling the rest of the way to the transition point.  Something I had expected to take over an hour took just over 40 minutes.

The other two legs I rode were just as amazing each in its own way.  One in the middle of the night was slightly uphill and into the wind.  Again, I was able to catch some other riders.  Two of them ended up taking turns pulling and drafting which ended up being very nice once the temperature plummeted to the 30's.  While I was dressed warmly I wasn't expecting it to drop that much.  In the end my hands were quite cold as was the rest of me and I am grateful for those other two riders!  With their help we probably shaved a few minutes off of the time we would have gotten.  The next day I was able to talk to one of them and thank him for the help.

The last leg was probably the most fun as the majority of it was downhill with a tailwind.  Over the course of 19 miles I descended 1500 feet.  That may not sound like much but it made for a fun and fast ride where I averaged 25.8 mph and finished in well under an hour.

So why am I writing this?  Well, it's more for me than for anyone else.  The last week has been very rough and I needed to remember something good that had happened to me.  I needed to remember how God answers prayers, takes care of me, and watches out for me especially when things are hard.  It's a reminder I need often and maybe by writing this all down it will help me remember, really remember that life is good!

I have plans for tomorrow and tomorrow is today!

Braden

Sharing earbuds while listening to a book during homeschool.

Making an old favorite, fettucine alfredo!

Exploring a cave on a hike.

At the Bear Lake overlook.

Some fun at Minnetonka Cave.

Not sure what James was going for here but I'm sure he nailed it!

Too cute!