For the past while I have been feeling like I should put some effort into dating yet I haven't 'felt' like it. Until the last week I hadn't really dug into why I wasn't very interested and put it down to fatigue and being jaded with the dating 'games'. The last couple of days I have had some time on my hands due to a holiday that was more quiet than usual for some reason (hmm). Anyway, it hit me that I am afraid of making a mistake. I am afraid of choosing the wrong person and things ending up in a divorce. I am afraid of things not working out and wasting my time. I am afraid of being rejected. I am afraid of hurting someone. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of my kids suffering for my mistake. In short I am afraid to try again. Part of that is due to reading and hearing about failure rates of second marriages and the troubles kids can have in them, whether they are successful or not. Another reason is due to break ups and mistakes and missteps in relationships. Some of you reading this may not realize it but many of those breakups stir up the grief and loss. Whenever that happens it feels like that raw and sensitive wound is being torn into. For a time it's like I have lost Karen all over again. The door opens to the past grief and while it's a familiar companion that I know how to cope with it still takes time to regain my balance. In those times I feel like a reeling punch drunk fighter doing everything possible to keep another blow from landing, and failing. While thinking things over I realized it's impossible to avoid the pain so I have to learn to live with it and even embrace it. In much the same way I have come to embrace the challenge of going faster or further on my bike, lifting more weight, doing more reps, or stumbling through a new piece of music on the piano I want and need to learn to embrace this other pain. In a lot of ways I have come to be oaky with being single because it's easier, and it's safer. Yet many times the easy or safe choice isn't the right way. That pain is already a part of who I am and by avoiding it or denying it I am really denying a part of myself. It's okay to get hurt, to feel the pain. What I think isn't okay is when I wallow in the pain or allow it to chase me away from the possibility of something wonderful, the possibility of things actually working out with someone. I have let that fear dictate my actions in some subtle and not so subtle ways. Looking back over the last several months it's easy to see the self sabotage, the pushing people away, and the hiding from opportunities (yes there have been some even in the middle of a pandemic). Lasting change doesn't happen overnight so I am going to apply the lessons learned elsewhere to this and see how it goes. That means I will focus more on what can go right and less to what might go wrong. I am a firm believer in 'you find what you're looking for' which means I can find a gem because that is what I'm looking for. Sometimes a gem is in plain sight but many times it has to be sought in unusual places. If you have read this far thanks for humoring my pontification of these ponderings. I'll step down from my soap box now and let myself get on with living life! Braden
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