Across 4 Mothers Days!

Warning, this post was written with some mixed emotions.

Exactly six years ago today I was able to see Karen celebrate her first Mothers Day as a mother. It was a great experience and while I can't remember much of anything that happened that day I remember the joy she and I felt. I also remember that joy came after more than a decade of Mothers Days before where she wondered if she would ever be a mother.

Today also marks the 4th Mothers Day since she passed which means my kids have known more of their lives without their mother than with her. It's a little sobering to think about it in those terms. One day they will be able to see their mother again, one day I will be able to see them give her the hugs I know they want to give her now, one day I will be able to hear their shouts of joy.

So today I will make sure to read them their bedtime stories (one each), read scriptures with them, have personal and family prayers with them, tuck them in, and sing them a song if they want. It will be the normal routine, the only routine they remember, the one without their mom. And while she may be there in spirit my heart breaks every time I hear them say, "I miss my mommy!"

As anyone who has lost a loved one knows, it can be hard finding the desire to live let alone get out of bed! For over 3 years I have made sure to get out of bed each morning, maybe not always early and bright eyed, but each time my foot hits the carpet next to my bed it's a victory!

In that time I have learned to do more than simply exist, I have learned to push myself physically, spiritually, mentally, and socially. In those 3 years I have grown in each of those areas and am a bit surprised at all of the changes; piano, road biking (after a partial knee replacement), counseling (as a patient), dancing, dating (off and on), party host, and most of all dad (with a little mom in there too). I wonder if Karen's passing was a gift of sorts, a gift of realizing the stagnated potential for growth and self improvement that is within each of us.

Nap time on a Sunday afternoon.

He told me later he didn't fall asleep!  :D

With these kids I'm trying, though I don't always succeed, to live life to the fullest knowing I will have good times and bad; more happiness and more sorrow; more memories with my children, friends, and family. And perhaps in all of that living I will even get to have the joy of witnessing someone else become mother to these wonderful little children! Someone that will embrace the challenge of raising 2 of someone else's children with a slightly crazy, sometimes too serious, and definitely imperfect guy.

Happy Mothers Day!!!

Braden

What 5 Year Plan...

A friend of mine talked to me about his five year plan just before he got married.  Marriage hadn't been in his plan and he had wanted to wait before getting into anything serious but life had other plans for him.  It started me thinking a bit about my own plans.  Just over five years ago I was in a community that I loved with one child and another on the way.  I had a job working with and for a great group of people.  Things were looking up!  The only issue was Karen's health during her second pregnancy.

It was five years ago today that the gastroenterologist told me that Karen had colon cancer after he finished her colonoscopy.  The day before we had received the results of the CT scan showing the 'apple core' mass in her colon which they said was only one possibility.  On Valentines Day we received the biopsy results.  We had hoped everyone was wrong, oh how we had hoped but stage 4 colon cancer became our reality.  Goals went out the window and life turned into a day to day focus, then a week to week, then month to month.  After two years our lives once again turned to a week to week and then a day to day focus as Karen's mortal life came to an end.

Just before Becca was born!

After Karen started chemo and was improving but Becca was still in the NICU

Home form the hospital and together as a family!

Karen with the kiddos.

Our 13th anniversary!

Family trip!

Momma and kiddos!

More momma and kiddos!

Even more momma and kiddos!

This is the smile and attitude I remember!!!

Fast forward five years and my life doesn't bear much resemblance to what I had planned except I still have two kids.  I could spend time comparing what I had expected with what is but I know from personal experience that it wouldn't do much good.  Does all this mean I shouldn't have a goal or a plan?  No, it just means it would be better to remember in any plan that life doesn't always turn out as expected.  I can have goals and plans for achieving those goals but sometimes no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do I will come up short.  That's not a bad thing, it's just life.

Fun times with the kids!

Hanging out with the kids!

More kid time!

Fun faces!

However, in that struggle I may end up going down an even better path and accidentally, at least in my own eyes, achieving something better that I had dreamed.  I may end up finding out I am much more capable and have far more potential, even in this life, than I thought possible.  I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 2:9 "But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him."

When I talk about religion or my personal beliefs on this blog it is usually indirectly.  One thing I want to make clear though is that so much of what and who I am is tied up in my faith.  Faith in Christ and His power to heal and help, to guide and comfort, to inspire and teach, and to strengthen and calm.  So while I don't talk about religion or personal belief directly I want anyone reading this to know God is real, that he loves us because we are His children, and that no matter where you are He can help.

Braden

Endings and beginngs

Christmas has come and gone with a new year just around the corner.  Over the course of the past couple of months we have celebrated holidays and spent time together as a family.  We have had a couple of snowy days, some days with just us, a couple of travel days, and some relaxing days.

Most of the time it's a lot of fun to watch and listen to the kids play.  Sometimes, especially when they can't get outside, they have too much energy for me.  It seems like they are literally bouncing off of the walls.  A couple of times I have actually asked them to run up and down the stairs 10 times to burn off some of that energy!

All together.

They were excited to help

Trying on daddy's suit coat.

Family still continues to help with the kids.  I am very grateful for their help and the blessing they are to us.  Around the holidays there are times when the loneliness and sense of loss just hits me in the gut.  For some reason this year was harder in some ways than the past 2 years.  I think part of it is some frustration combined with not getting enough sleep and exercise.  That means there is something I can do about it.  Another thing I would like to do is just spend more time having fun with the kids.  Today I sat and held James while we watched a football game on TV.  It was one of those perfect moments that help get me through the hard days.

   

Headstands on the couch - no hands, dad!

   

She built the tower all by herself

James in his new suit!

Funny faces for the camera!

Christmas was good with lots of family and time with the kids.  Without Karen around sometimes it still feels lonely.  That loneliness sometimes makes it feel as though I don't belong.  It's ironic but when I feel that I don't want to socialize much which can actually make it more difficult for me to get rid of the loneliness.  Another term for it could be a feedback loop.  When I'm lonely I don't want to get out so I end up feeling more alone.  On the other side of that if I get out and have some fun or socialize then I don't feel lonely and am more likely to feel like being involved.  Hopefully that makes sense!

Becca's gifts with her old helmet to remind her to wear it.

James's gifts (the helmet was already his and was a reminder for him to wear his helmet when riding the new skateboard.

Daddy's gifts on Christmas.

So one of the cool experiences over Christmas was a gift the kids received from an aunt, one of Karen's sisters.  Before Karen passed she had acquired a pattern for a homemade kids tee-pee.  When going through her sewing stuff a while back Karen's mom found the pattern and liberated it for Karen's sister to use.  The result is one of those cool little things that happen.  It makes me wonder how many more times Karen can help with a gift for the kids!

The tee-pee

I tried something new this year with the kids and had them pick out a present for each other.  Both wanted Legos when I talked to them.  So I helped each in turn pick out some Legos for their sibling.  The way I look at it this is a way for them to learn how to give and not just receive at Christmas or other times.

They bought each other a set of Legos for Christmas.

Becca loves grandma!

I originally started to write a post a couple of weeks ago but never finished it.  When I came back to continue it almost everything was out of date and it needed to be started over.  While looking over the post and thinking about what to write the realization hit that there is a parallel to life, a lesson for me to learn.  If something is started and then not followed through on it can become obsolete or rotten in a way.  Friendships, family relationships, and other interpersonal relationships can be the same way.  When neglected or not nourished they can become stale or stagnant.  The things that matter most in life need consistent and devoted attention.  Now I know something I will be working on this next year!

Happy New Year everyone!
Braden

Holidays and traditions

With the holiday season approaching I am looking at the changes of the past few years.  It has gone from two people from different families trying to meld, create, or maintain traditions to me trying to figure out what I'm doing!  This much I do know, Christmas starts a lot sooner when you're doing the shopping for little kids, there are way too many things my kids (especially James) want, and online shopping can make things sooo much easier if you already know what you want.

Rockin the hearts!

Having some fun at the local Pumpkin Walk.

More fun!

Just chillin' together!

Halloween was fun with the kids dressing up and 'begging' for candy from seemingly random people.  It's interesting how strange a custom or tradition can sound when it is restated or related to others who don't have the same or similar reference points.  Rather than carve pumpkins we opted for glow in the dark stickers though the glowing part was severely lacking...

One side of the not so glow in the dark pumpkins.

The other side of their pumpkins (avoided a lot of mess with the stickers)

The practice run for trick or treating.

At the beginning of October I had the thought to get together with other single parents occasionally on Monday nights.  When I contacted someone I know with kids it turns out they had been doing something similar in the recent past so they just started it back up and added me into the mix.  It's nice to get together with other people and their kids.  Children just bring an extra energy to a gathering.  That energy isn't always welcome such as when you're sick or not feeling well, but when you're down and need a hug or a good belly laugh kids are there for you.

Winter can't get here soon enough for them!

Monkey see, monkey do!

They love to have fun together.

The daddy jungle gym. 

But daddy, it can't be time for bed, I'm not tired at all!

 

A spur of the moment trip to the cemetery.

James came up with the idea for this homemade lightsaber and put it together solo!

Crashing in dad's room (on the floor!) for the weekly sleepover.

Some more creative costuming and accessorizing by James!

Right now I'm just living life and doing my best to enjoy the fun moments with my kids.  Sometimes it gets a little lonely not having a spouse to talk to or bounce ideas off of but I am figuring out other ways to fill that part of my life whether it is talking to or spending time with family, co-workers, or friends going through something similar.  We're all in this together so we might as well be there for each other.  Please feel free to comment or contact me.

Braden

Falling into school...

So James has been in school for a while now and is beginning to sound out words to read.  Everywhere we go he reads and sounds things out on signs, in stores, or on toys.  He is much better at math than I had realized, something I am fairly sure he gets from his mom.  It amazes me how much he is being taught in kindergarten right now.  In some ways I'm a little sad because I think he is missing a bit of his childhood by learning so much and having homework every night, though it could just be me thinking that.

With the weather turning cooler the kids are spending more time in doors.  They have some very creative ways of spending time and some of them are louder than others...

Playing dress-up at grandma's house!

Combing her hair out after bath.

Not sure what this game is but they were occupied for a long time!

Everybody takes a turn!

All he needs is a box sometimes.

 

A shovel and tow basketballs. Anything can be turned into a game with these two!

One of those times when it was very quiet.  I was told he needed help.  His sister helped him into it and was kind enough to get help when she couldn't get him out!

Some father and son time!

 

Another quite game of hand the laundry basket from the door.

Believe it or not they were both laughing here.

Look dad, no hands.  He left a few dirty marks on the wall.

In my last post I talked a bit about endings and beginnings and how in life there don't seem to be clearly defined endings or beginnings to many things.  So much of this life is a process of growing into the choices we make or rather the results of the choices we make.  It's those small daily choices we make that determine where we end up.  The small choices shape us for the big choices we make.  Much like a hinge only moving a few inches can be magnified into many feet of movement over the distance of a large gate the seemingly small choice to be happy by seeing the good can move our lives much more than we realize.  If you're struggling with something right now just keep on making the small choices that you know are right or good and be patient. In the end it will all work out!

Braden