Days of Summer

So my birthday and Father's Day have gone by.  It has also been two months since Karen passed away.

Summer has started with James and Rebecca enjoying time outside whenever they can get it.  Tonight I was just watching them on their bikes when Becca came up to me, grabbed my hand (finger actually), and started pulling on me while saying walk.  Apparently she wanted to go for a walk so we (James, Rebecca, and I) went on a walk up the road and came back home.  No sooner had I sat down than she did the same thing, so we went on another, shorter walk up a different road.  Last night she had insisted on walk in the same way.  I think I will need to teach her some manners so she will be little more polite.

This week I had my first trip to the pool with the kids as well.  It was an interesting experience and hopefully I can be a little more relaxed the next time I take them to have some fun.

(Kids ready for the pool)

I seem to be going in reverse on this post.  Last Saturday I received a gift from Karen in the mail.  It was a movie she had ordered before she passed away.  She had asked me if I wanted it and I guess she bought it.  The timing of it arriving between my birthday and Father's Day was probably not her choice but it was a great gift.  I had been missing seeing her smile when I opened a gift from her.  This last birthday/Father's Day gift from her was extra special though.

(Karen's b-day/Father's Day gift to me)

On to some other news...  For those of you that know me you know my left knee is not in the best shape.  Something to do with three previous operations and not treating it well.  Apparently I hurt it a little more and the doctors think it needs a little work so sometime in the next few weeks I will be having surgery to fix this latest problem.  When I told my boss he just said, "You just can't catch a break."  Viewed a certain way it is a break.  Any earlier and I wouldn't have been able to move or help be there for Karen.  Any later and I wouldn't be at my insurance out of pocket maximum for the year.  We'll see if I'm this philosophical about it in a month or two.

Braden

I have plans for you tomorrow!

For Karen's birthday I got her siblings in the state, her parents, and my parents together for a dinner.  It was fun to get out and have some fun and remember her.  We ate at one of her favorite restaurants, Outback.  It was one of her favorites due mostly to the fact that they have a more than decent gluten free menu with a very good dessert.

Dinner with the family

The day after her birthday there was a rainbow that looked like it was right over the cemetery where Karen is buried!

James and Rebecca ready for bed!

Dessert is a little messy sometimes!

James just before he got dessert all over his face too.

Getting out in a social setting has reinforced a thought I have had for a while which is I need to get out with friends more.  For the past few months I have been concentrating on Karen and the kids so much I haven't really formed any friendships outside of work.  That needs to change if I am going to keep moving forward.

You might be asking what I mean.  It means I will be looking for singles events to go to and probably even dating.  Yes, I said dating.  I think I'm ready for it and I know it's what Karen wants for me and it's what I want.  I can hear her saying, "I have plans for you tomorrow!  Now get to it."  She had/has the mindset that if you're going to do something, you go all in.  If I'm not ready, well, I guess I'll find out.  Time will tell if I have made the correct choice or not and I won't know unless I try.

Many of you reading this may not realize it, but when it comes to socializing (especially with women) I am an introvert until I become comfortable.  While Karen was alive it was easy to talk to women, but in the last few weeks, it's as if a switch has been flipped.  It's like I'm in high school all over again struggling to find the right words.  Sometimes responding to a simple hello is the most difficult thing in the world.  I will learn to deal with that though and the first step is to get used to the environment.  Now I just need to find some singles events that I can crash, er go to.

Braden

Mother's Day

To say the last two weeks haven't been easy would be an understatement, but we are getting a handle on things bit by bit.  Most of the time James and Rebecca are fine but there are moments when it is just hard for them, especially James.  He occasionally wakes up in the middle of the night.  The last time he told me he cried really loud so I would hear him.  When I asked him if he missed mommy he said yes so I let him know I did too.  Once I said that he was fine and laid back down to go to sleep.

Karen and I got engaged May 5th 2001 so that day was a little rough.  Throw in Mother's Day a few days later and you might see why it hasn't been easy.  Mother's Day was especially hard for me.  After finally being able to have children the holiday was turning into something great for Karen.  Knowing how much she wanted to be a mother made the fact she had only three Mother's Days bitter.  It took a bit but I realized I needed to look at it from the other side, that she was able to celebrate her motherhood three times.  I can't change what has happened but I can change how I view it, move on, and not let it consume me.

I took the kids on a little trip this week to visit their cousins who live about an hour away.  James had been asking about them for a while so I decided to make it happen for him and Rebecca.  The kids had a blast though I ended up very tired.  That's what happens when you stay up until 1:30 AM swapping Karen stories with your wife's sister one night and go to a late movie the next.

Their family didn't make it for the fettuccine alfredo two nights before the funeral so I threw some together while I was there.  In return, they were nice enough to provide some babysitters and then treat me to a late movie in an actual theater.  The only problem with the trip is that James keeps asking to go back and is even asking to see other cousins that live even farther away.  A can of worms may have just been opened...

I frequently visit Karen's grave and try to walk there to have some alone time, focus my thoughts, and think things through.  Lately, I have had trouble being decisive.  It started a few weeks before Karen passed and has gradually gotten better since the funeral.  The last week it seems to have gotten a lot better though that could just be my judgement being totally compromised at this point.

It always amazes me how much better I feel after writing a blog post.  Talking about the problems I am facing helps some but writing it down helps even more.

Braden

Mommy died

Late Sunday night I awoke to the sound of Becca and James crying.  I got them both calmed down and comfortable again and was about to head back to my own bed when James said, "Mommy died."  There are times when I think he understands what has happened and other times when I'm sure he doesn't.  We have been open with him and have not tried to 'sugar coat' the reality so having him say that was not too much of a surprise.

What James said next was a bit of a shock until you look at it from the perspective of a three year old.  "I need a new mommy," was said in such a matter of fact way that I felt like smiling.  I decided to see where it would go and asked him where to find a new mommy for him.  He pointed at the shelves in his room and said, "The top shelf."

He misses Karen and feels sad and out of sorts though he doesn't know why.  Lately, both he and Becca have been crying more easily.  I try to be patient with them.  In a way, their lack of understanding has helped me to put my own feelings into better perspective.  I was even able to go back to work on Friday.  It was a slow day and allowed me to ease back into things.  Hopefully Monday goes as smoothly.

This last week has been a busy one.  Getting ready for the viewing on Tuesday then the funeral on Wednesday felt like a whirlwind.  Gratefully, we were able to rely on a lot of experienced people and everything came together.  Thursday was a little harder since I had to straighten things out with the Social Security Administration.

I went to the SSA offices in Ogden and wrapped things up much quicker than expected so I was able to meet up with some co-workers in the area.  They had come to the funeral on Wednesday but we didn't have much of a chance to talk.  It was nice to feel normal for a while after which I headed back to Logan and stopped in at the office for a bit to see how I felt.  Surprisingly, I was only a little anxious.

I still don't feel completely like myself but I am doing much better than I had expected.  Maybe I will never feel 'normal' again.  Maybe how I feel now is the new normal.  Going through an experience like this can't help but leave a mark.

Little things still make me cry at seemingly random times but it is lessening much more rapidly than I had thought possible.  I know the Lord is helping me out in ways I don't understand.  The strange part is there have been a couple of times when I have started laughing in the middle of the tears.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster!

James' "I need a new mommy" comment reminded me about Karen telling me if I ended up alone that she would come back and haunt me.  Time will tell if she has to make good on her promise.  As for now I'm trying to stay positive which is easier than I thought it would be.

Braden

Passing of the torch

While I was working on Karen's obituary today I was thinking a little about her mantra of "I am going to beat this. I have plans for tomorrow."  In talking to Karen a while ago I realized that when she came up with the mantra it was not in reference to cancer.  I think instead it was related to the deep despair and hopelessness she felt one lonely night in the hospital after she was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer.  She was determined to not let those emotions overwhelm her and ruin the limited number of tomorrows she had left.  I think it was also a way for her to comfort me.  And it worked.

Now I think of her and remember that saying and, as the same feelings threaten me, I find myself determined to not let my own emotions spoil the limited number of tomorrows I have left with our children.  So I repeat this to myself and every time I hear Karen's beautiful voice saying, "You're going to beat this.  I have made plans for you tomorrow."  After which I hear her laugh a little and say, "Or I'm going to beat you!"  So the mantra torch has been passed to me and I need to start planning.

Below is the obituary.  I had a hard time starting this so my mother began it and I fleshed out the details.

Braden

Karen Rawlings Hoth was born May 24, 1979 in Preston, Idaho to Glade and Georgia (Ingalls) Rawlings and passed away April 23, 2016 in North Logan, Utah.  She was the 5^th child and 4^th daughter.  The family moved to Logan, Utah in 1986 where Karen attended school and graduated from Logan High School in 1997.  She later earned a Bachelors degree in Geography from Utah State University.  She began work delivering papers before her teenage years and worked many jobs throughout her life.  She knew the value of hard work which made her a favorite of her employers.

 Karen was gifted with intelligence and a quick wit coupled with an indomitable and compassionate spirit that drew friends to her.  She held many church callings for which she always put forth her best effort.  In those callings she touched the lives of many and ever looked for opportunities to reach out and serve others.  She loved word and number puzzles and was always busy creating something beautiful out of her handwork whether it was tatting, crocheting or bobbin lace.  She had a green thumb and loved working with her plants, indoors and out.

She married her long-time friend, Braden August Hoth, August 9, 2001, in the Logan Temple.  After many long years of waiting and a heartbreaking miscarriage in 2011 they were blessed with two beautiful children, James in 2013 and Rebecca in 2014.

She is survived by her husband – Braden, children – James and Rebecca, parents – Glade and Georgia Rawlings, and siblings – Jeanette Johnson, Phillip Rawlings, Ruthann Wadsworth, Emily Walker, and Diana Ribera.  A large extended family and innumerable friends mourn her passing.

Her strong spirit carried her through a courageous battle with cancer, never losing her faith in God or her love of family.  She and her family are grateful for the outpouring of help and support she received from those, both known and unknown, during her fight.  One of her greatest desires in life was to be a mother so it is no surprise that family, especially her children, always came first for her.  While we mourn here those who have passed on before are celebrating their sweet reunion with a choice daughter of God.

There will be a viewing Tuesday evening, April 26, 2016, at the North Logan 9^th Ward Chapel, 1650 East 2600 North, North Logan, from 6:00 – 8:00 p.m.  Funeral services will be held at the same location on Wednesday, April 27, 2016, at noon.  A viewing will precede services from 10:00 to 11:30 a.m.  Services are under the direction of the Cache Valley Mortuary.  Burial will be at the North Logan Cemetery.

Karen has plans for today!!!

Karen quietly passed on this morning at about 2:30 AM.  Her body is no longer holding her back.

We will love you forever deary!!!
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.

Braden

So little time, so many memories!

One of the things I love most and find the most infuriating about Karen is her inability to quit.  If you give her something to do she will give it her all even if you tell her it's impossible or that she can't do it.  Especially, if you tell her she can't do it.

This morning I didn't think she would be able to walk out of the room, even with my help.  Last night I had to carry her down the stairs on my back and I was not looking forward to the pain it would cause her to help her out of bed this morning.  With pure grit she had me pull her onto weak, wobbly legs then leaned into me and had me help her to her recliner.  The only recliner out of hundreds she sat in that felt remotely comfortable.  The recliner I decided to buy for her shortly after her terminal cancer diagnosis.  The recliner where she held Becca and James so many times.

Becca in a milk 'comma'

Becca and James in Karen's lap after 3 days in the hospital (Feb 2015)

It is amazing how many memories can be tied to something so simple.  There are times when I hope won't be able to look at that chair without thinking of Karen and the love she has for James and Rebecca; of the time we shared, the memories we made, and everything she did for me!

An hour or two ago I just sat and held her hand for a while.  I squeezed her hand three times and got a little twitch in return.  There were many times when we would hold hands in church or somewhere else where we couldn't or didn't want to say 'I love you' aloud to on another.  We found a way around that.  One of us would squeeze the other's had three times for 'I love you' to which the response was two squeezes for 'ditto' with the response to that being a single squeeze for 'good'.

Some of you may remember the game 'murder in the dark' where everyone would hold hands in a circle and a 'killer' would be randomly chosen.  If your hand was squeezed once you were dead, otherwise you would squeeze the person on your other hand one less than you had been squeezed.  Why do I explain this?  Sometimes if we were in a movie theater and one of us was feeling goofy we would do the 'I love you game' and change it at the end to 'murder in the dark'.  When one of us got the single squeeze we would slump in our seats making the other person giggle, laugh, or even snort.  This usually happened at some climatic or touching moment when laughter was not appropriate.  The number of looks we got I can't even count.

I will have to write down all of the inside jokes we have at some point.  There are just too many for one night but writing this one has been a sort of panacea for the last few days so thank you for reading the ramblings of a grieving husband.

Braden