Spring has sprung!

It has been a while (about 3 months) since my last post and life only seems to get busier between work, taking care of the kids, and the thousands of other things that need to be done.  Both James and Rebecca have had birthdays in that time.  My major accomplishment was making it through a month where I had two three year old kids at the same time!

Becca's birthday - Snuggled up with her 'loot'

Little TV Zombies

Playing in the snow with cousins

Eating some pizza while half asleep.

Becca was a little more awake.

Helping grandma Georgia with dinner.

I sometimes struggle about what to write here.  There are a lot of personal challenges I go through and I don't think this is an appropriate venue to vent about or share them.  For this blog I prefer to keep the tone upbeat and positive because it helps me to focus my own mind on the good in the world.  Take for instance something that happened at work a few weeks ago.  I was in a big hurry and was going to end up missing out on a good lunch, well any lunch really.  When I mentioned my lack of time in an offhand manor to a co-worker they let me know about some pot luck leftovers in the fridge and insisted I have some.  That little act let me relax and focus on the good instead of the rushed and frazzled state I was working myself into.

There are so many little things to brighten any day that I can't stay focused on the bad for too long.  Take for instance being single and no longer having Karen around.  I can focus on the loss, the bad things that have happened, and all the things that are or will be harder for me and the kids without her.  Or I can focus on the family members and friends that help me out on a daily basis.  People I feel closer to now than ever before.  People who love me and my children.  People that know kind acts are their own reward.  If I let it, the negative can outweigh the bad.  In fact, one bad thing can outweigh a thousand good things.  If I Let It.  Where do I choose to put my attention and focus, on me and the bad or on others and the good that happens in the world?

Playing with some educational toys.

More toy time!

Looking all grown up reading the paper.

Just chilling on the couch at grandma's house.

Goofing off on the swing.

Story with the cousins before nap time at aunt Shandrae's.

Shopping but they both had to be 'in' the cart!

'Becca bug'

Eating dinner with grandma.

If Becca has her picture taken James wants one too.

So on to the next subject, my social life.  Trying to balance work, family life, continued healing, and a social life has been a real learning experience for me.  Approached in the right way my healing can be accomplished using all of those facets of my life.  Feeling connected to coworkers, family, and friends gives me energy and optimism.  It does take effort or desire on my part which has waxed and waned over the last several months.  Sometimes I just don't feel like getting out and having fun.  When I catch myself feeling like I don't deserve or shouldn't be having fun without Karen I try to remind myself life is to be lived.

I am not here to merely exist and get through the day, to endure.  I am here to enjoy this existence, to learn and grow which means I need to be around people.  There have been a lot of good people who have been brought into my life over the last year.  Figuring out who I am again has been a learning experience.  Going to singles activities and getting to know people has helped in more ways than I had thought.

To end here are answers to questions some of you probably want to ask.  Am I dating?  Yes I am actively dating.  Am I in a relationship?  Yes, but only in the sense that all friendships are relationships.  No, I am not exclusively seeing anyone.  How are the kids doing?  They are doing well though James and Becca seem to be missing their mommy more in the last few months.  Other than the occasional breakdown by them or me we are a fairly normal family that relies on extended family for help daily.

I hope you have a great day!

Braden

2017 - New Year, new challenges!

I have been meaning to put an update since just after Thanksgiving.  James and Becca are doing well with an ability to be happy regardless of the circumstances that I envy and am trying to emulate.

To catch up I'll have to go back to the first of November.  The days after Halloween the kids would ask for their candy which would be rationed out.  Each had their own bag and both knew where it was located so they could point and ask anyone for a piece.  It was always fun to hear them asking for just one more piece.  Gratefully, there wasn't much candy and it ran out in a couple of weeks.

Thanksgiving was fun spending time with family and catching up.  Karen's parents headed out of town for the holiday so it wasn't hard to balance time between families.  Thanksgiving morning James and Becca took all the cushions off of a couch.  I caught them in the act and told them to put the cushions back on the couch so that is exactly what they did!  The next day I really missed Karen and her presence.  It just doesn't seem quite right to be having fun without hearing her voice and laughter.

They did exactly what I told them to do.

'Reading'

Playing together?

Ready to go out.

Shopping helpers!

December had a few family birthdays to be celebrated.  The week before Christmas my family does a live nativity with music and scriptures while kids represent the parts of Mary, Joseph, shepherds, and wise-men.  This year Becca and James were Mary and Joseph.  I tired my hand at playing the piano for a couple of Christmas songs.  I have a lot of room for improvement for next year.

Becca and James and Mary and Joseph.

Apparently James thought the other pose wasn't manly enough.

As Christmas approached I once again noticed Karen's absence.  Probably because December 23 was the 8 month mark of her passing.  With help from family, friends and co-workers I managed to recover from the few depressive dips.

Christmas Eve brought a big dinner with Karen's family.  It was nice to be with them and feel a little of Karen's lively spirit.  While it wasn't the same it felt right to be there.  Later that night I assumed the job Karen normally carried out on Christmas Eve of putting out the stockings and arranging gifts.  It made me grateful for her at the same time that I so badly missed her!  This year was a right of passage in some ways.  All of the gift selection and shopping was done by me.  Not an easy task or one I am suited for but I struggled through it just like everything else that has been thrown my way.  I may not do the job the best way possible but it gets done.

James's new bike.

Becca's new bike.

Christmas morning the kids had fun opening gifts after which we had a large breakfast with Karen's family.  The morning also brought a large snow storm which meant I had to work for my breakfast clearing snow before I could even park my car in the driveway.  My father-in-law, Glade, was busy clearing the sidewalks and driveways of a few neighbors.  He is a great example of someone who is always ready and willing to help others.  The fact that they include me and my kids is great.  I have heard from others that have gone through the loss of a spouse and in-laws are not always welcoming or including.  There are so many ways in which we have been blessed in this journey.

Two very different gift opening styles

Rebecca throwing away the wrapping paper

Rebecca and her new baby stroller

James opening his gifts.

Christmas morning breakfast

Christmas day had shortened church meetings which meant there was plenty of time for dinner at my parents' house with my family after which was round two of gift opening.  The kids really enjoyed unwrapping everything though Becca has to be the tidiest kid I have ever seen opening presents.  After each piece of wrapping paper was torn off she would put it in the trash bag grandma was holding.  James, being the typical 3 year old boy, enthusiastically ripped the paper off.

Six olives and only five fingers!

Anything Becca can do I can do.

Gift opening round two.

Cousins playing together

The day after Christmas I helped my dad setup some of his gifts and helped him shovel snow.  Becca started coming down with a flu bug (acquired from cousins) which spread to me and James.  James bounced right back but Becca's illness hung in there a little longer.  It meant we were all sick over the New Years weekend so we stayed in and watched one movie, Zootopia, and then went to bed at the normal time.  The next week or so we spent recovering our energy levels which happened much more quickly for the kids than me.  Children are resilient and bounce back so fast.  I am envious of that ability.  Helping to shovel the day after New Years made me grateful for the relative health I have enjoyed this past year.  My knee still isn't back to normal but it doesn't hold me back much except when I want to run or move quickly.

Hamming it up for the camera.

Not feeling better yet

So now we are in a new year, 2017, and hoping to keep moving forward.  A piece of Karen will always be with us for which I am grateful.  James and Becca remind me every so often that their mommy died.  After that James usually lets me know that he needs a new mommy.  It's something I am still working on but other things have been in more immediate need of attention.  What the new year will bring I don't know but I hope to keep progressing on this journey with my children, friends, and family, trusting that things get better as we focus on the good in life.

Braden

October (six months)

October wasn't too busy though the 23rd was the six month anniversary of Karen's passing.  It's hard to believe it has been that long and at the same time I catch myself thinking it has been much longer.  Time is very strange.

Waiting for the bathroom

The kids are doing well and were able to go to the Pumpkin Walk with some cousins.  For Halloween they dressed as bumblebees and actually went trick-or-treating.  Last year after showing grandma and grandpa their costumes they almost immediately took them off.  This year, it took them a door or two to get the hang of holding their bags open and saying 'Trick-or-Treat'.  Even with the prospect of candy, after about the fifth house they were asking to go back.  They did have a good time and, gratefully, they didn't end up with much candy!

Halloween costumes

With the weather turning colder the kids aren't able to ride their bikes or be outside as much.  I find myself already thinking about Christmas gifts for them.  Usually I wait until after Thanksgiving to even think about gifts or decorating.  I believe a part of it is that without Karen it's all up to me to get them presents.

Channeling the '80s

November has started me thinking about gratitude once again.  Even in hard times there is much to be grateful for; people, support (seen and unseen) and a lot of other things I would never have thought to be grateful for.

I hope everyone has a good November!

Braden

Another Month (September)

Yet another month has passed.  It's strange that even after something happens to totally alter your life and world view how everything just keeps going on.  Karen's headstone is now installed (it was done September 8th).  I think it looks good though tonight was the first time my parents had seen it in person.

James and Rebecca continue to be kids; having fun, getting into things and keeping me humble.  It can be a little frustrating to have them 'play' music when I attempt to practice on the piano but they are just too cute not to laugh at.  The weather is getting a little cooler and it's getting dark much sooner so their outdoor time is becoming more limited.  Walks up a nearby road have been good for my knee and letting me get out to spend some time with them.

(James with a style all his own.)

(James on the swing set!)

I went to a dance in the middle of September.  Unfortunately, my knee wasn't yet up to any serious dancing, or any dancing for that matter.  I tried for about 15 seconds and it quickly let me know I was pushing beyond its limits.  Rather than risk overdoing it I, uncharacteristically, exercised some caution and talked for most of the night.  Socializing is getting easier for me though I still don't feel totally comfortable.  Maybe I never will.  Somehow I don't think anyone else is totally comfortable either.  That's some comfort knowing most of us are in the same boat.  It's just something I will have to work on!

There are many things that continue to amaze me about this experience.  Probably the biggest is how resilient kids are.  Prior to this I was so worried about how scarred they would.  In the end they have adjusted far better than me.  James and Rebecca still ask to see mommy pictures.  My phone is full of videos and pictures of her so I can snuggle with them in a chair or on the couch while they see their mom.  I don't know if it's the best thing for them (or me for that matter) but it lets me spend time with them and see them smile!

(Becca telling stories.  I have no idea what she was talking about.)

(James giving Becca a shoulder ride.)

We'll see what October brings.  Karen enjoyed dressing up for Halloween not to mention giving out candy and spending time with the kids.  This year they may actually be old enough to go trick or treating before bed time.

I'm grateful for all of the support that I continue to get from everyone.  Thank you!

Braden

August and onward

Once again I haven't posted for an entire month.  The month started with me using a cane to get around and is ending with me only limping slightly due to the knee surgery.  Taking care of two toddlers by myself would have been impossible for me alone.  Looking back I can see so many reasons why Karen and I were unable to find a house.  There may yet be more reasons.  I am grateful for family and friends helping out.

August 9th would have been our 15th wedding anniversary.  The week before was filled with a lot of reflection on our life and time together.  Karen's family had a family reunion August 5th and 6th so I was able to spend some time with them remembering her and on the 9th we went out to eat.  One of Karen's sisters that wasn't around for the last dinner was able to attend this one.  That night also happened to be her anniversary as well.

Saturday the 13th was a singles conference that I attended.  I hadn't expected it to be so emotional for me but my mind was still focused in the past.  It was a very good experience to be able to mingle with others but in some ways my heart wasn't into meeting new people after having all those memories flood through me for the previous week.

Having to get around with a cane made for an interesting time.  I offered to drive a group of people the hour to and from the conference.  It kept my spirits up to have people laughing in the car.  I don't think they realize how much their good spirits helped me out that day.  Gratefully, I am feeling and doing much better almost 3 weeks later.

My knee has been healing and it is getting easier to spend time with the kids and not having to worry about them hitting a tender spot.  James and Becca still ask if they can 'touch this leg' while pointing to my good leg.  They are so earnest about it that I can't help but smile whenever they ask, "Touch this leg?"

For now I am trying to get back into life.  The piano lessons I began last month are starting to bear fruit allowing me to passably play through a couple of simplified hymns.  My activity level has been reduced significantly and I am trying to work gym time back into my schedule.  The news that I will probably need a total knee replacement in 10 years along with the advice to give up running and basketball has gotten me thinking about road biking and swimming.  So I am researching a good road bike that will last, go fast, and be fun to ride.  Unfortunately cheap probably isn't compatible with that list.

During the last month my social life has been on hold.  I feel like after Labor Day my knee should be healed enough so I can resume my feeble attempts at dating.  It's a lot different than it was 15 years ago though a lot of that is probably me changing and having a different set of worries this time around.  It still amazes me the ripple effects of having kids.  They are great to have around and always make life interesting.  Now, if I could just figure out my plan for tomorrow that would be great!

Braden