Once more into the breach...

Over the last several months I have been very busy with a number of projects such as getting things organized in and around the apartment, helping my kids through some grief and emotional issues with play therapy, training for a bike relay ride, working through some physical injuries and ailments, adjusting to a new ward with a very busy calling, organizing and putting on a conference for widows and widowers in Cache Valley, taking a self reliance - personal finance class, and making sure to keep up with all the job related tasks all while keeping up with the everyday of living life as an only parent.

Funny kiddos!

Training rides1

Reading the paper?

Day trips!

My first solo triathlon!

Sunday mornings.

More training rides!

Fun at The Little Mermaid.

After we finished the bike relay ride!

Sprained ankles

Conference info...(it's over now)

Someone might ask why I would accept or choose to take on all of that, especially as a single parent.  Some of it I didn't exactly choose though I could have cut some things out or declined to take them on but I wouldn't have been true to me, my faith, and my beliefs if I hadn't accepted.  The deeper truth underneath it all is I have been using my 'busyness' as an excuse to justify not doing something.

You might be wondering what that something was and is.  If someone were to ask me my answer would be dating.  I have socialized a bit during that time, usually an hour or two at an activity or a small gathering here or there.  As for dates I have been on 1 or 2 dates in the last 7 or 8 months depending on how a date is defined.  My internal excuse has been that I lacked time and I could give lots of other reasons why and list all of the various negative experiences I have had in dating as justification.  What it comes down to is fear of being hurt...again.  I have written about that before and about buying into the lie that to date successfully and get married you have to be perfect.

Life is a journey and healing is a process.  In our efforts to heal we make mistakes and since we live in an imperfect world we hurt others and are hurt by others.  Here comes the but or the yet...yet I believe we are here to learn by experience and nobody living on this little planet will get through this life without making mistakes.

I also don't think anyone will get through this life without receiving emotional and physical hurt from another person or doing emotional and physical hurt to another person.  As is often the case with emotional hurts we often don't know if we have caused pain for someone or even the extent of that pain.  I'm sure many of the people by whom I have been hurt didn't realize they had hurt me, let alone that they intended to hurt me.

On the other side there are some that do intend to hurt people and those are the ones to stay away from!  I'm getting a bit off topic here so let me refocus...Pain and fear of pain, hiding from what I have been asked to do, and using excuses, even 'good' or 'valid' ones.

It's interesting how we often know what we need to do on some level whether you view it as an instinct, subconscious thinking, intrinsic knowledge, or spiritual promptings.  I personally believe there are many things we feel should do that are spiritual promptings from a loving Heavenly Father.  I would go a step further and say I know they are spiritual in nature and despite the attempts of friends, enemies, or strangers to convince me otherwise I will act on that basis.

Now you might ask why do I feel the need to write this post.  Well, that would be one of those spiritual promptings.  I can see the benefit of it in multiple ways.  First, I am able to process and refine my thoughts and views as I write, review, edit, and re-write.  Second, I'm sure others have had similar thoughts even if they aren't along the exact lines.  This way they know they aren't alone.  Third, who knows if someone reading this might see in it a kindred spirit and I can make a new friend.  Fourth, this recommits me to the path of dating and leaves me without pretense or excuse.

As I said above writing helps me to process and in putting these thoughts down I have found my mind and heart opening up to the idea of dating again.  I know what the Lord is asking of me and I will be accountable for that knowledge.  The only question is how to go about it with the many demands on my time.

In any case I am choosing to trust and have faith in a loving Heavenly Father and His Son.  I am choosing to believe there is a way forward for me regardless of any desired, expected, or hoped for outcome on my part.  My faith is not contingent on a good life without challenges, trials, hard times, disappointments, or heartaches.  I believe almost the opposite, that true and lasting faith is strengthened in the midst of the opposition and struggles we face when it is based in and on Jesus Christ.

And so I choose to hope for a better world and believe in good things to come, better things, the best things!  Oh, and if you have any tips or suggestions about where to meet people or fun and inexpensive things to do on dates I'm all ears.

The promise of better things to come.

Wish me luck ;)

Braden

What will be, will be...

A few things with regards to relationships and dating have been on my mind lately.  At the moment that area of my life is pretty much non-existent.  Due to work, taking care of kids (and myself), and a fairly demanding church calling the amount of time I have to devote to a social life is also pretty much non-existent.  And do you know what?  For now, that's okay.  Life ebbs and flows and in a while things will change so there will be time for more socializing and I am open to that when it happens.

Some of my family and friends have heard about my dating experiences over the last few years.  I think it might be helpful to share with others a little about those.  I have been out on dates with a wide variety of women; younger than me, older than me, never married, divorced, widowed, without kids, with lots of kids, with one child, with step kids, with kids who have passed away, with teenagers, with married kids, with grandkids, with toddlers or elementary school kids, women with advanced degrees, women with a high school diploma, outdoorsy, in-doorsy, high maintenance, low maintenance, active in the gospel, less active in the gospel, long distance, not so long distance, extroverted, introverted, 'ambiverted' (if there is such a word), and many other attributes or titles you might be able to think up.

There have been a variety reasons why things didn't work out; things feeling off, being incompatible, being told I was too distant, too clingy, too talkative, not talkative enough, they didn't want to start over with raising kids (aka my kids were too young or they felt my kids would be too much work without having met them), they didn't want to be a 'second' wife or compete with my late wife, fear I would go back to old ways or patterns, or something not feeling right to them.  Most of the time I don't know the reason and while that can be frustrating it's okay.  It's a part of life though being 'ghosted' isn't fun so I do my best to communicate how I'm feeling or not feeling and the direction I'm going.

A thought that has come up is that it's probably a good thing none of those relationships worked out long term.  I have learned a lot over the last 6 years and have stayed friends with many of the women I have been out with.  I definitely feel much more empathy and compassion for those in the singles world, no matter how they 'ended up' there, or here rather.  There is much to look up to about those who choose to put themselves out there after a failed marriage or death of a spouse.  There is also much to admire about those who have been single their entire adult life and still continue to hope and hold onto faith that things will work out. 

At any age dating is difficult though I think the older I get the more aware I am of people and what could go wrong.  All too often I find myself focusing on what could go wrong instead of what could go right.  If I'm looking for red flags I will find them, LOTS of them.  If I'm looking for green flags I'll find those too.  Life is built out of what I put into it and what I allow God to put into it, not what I take out of it or get out of it.

The last several months of my 'dating sabbatical' have been an opportunity to take a step back from things.  Perhaps a better way to look at it is to take a step towards my kids and the life I have now with them.  It's a great life with piano practice and lessons, movie nights, tickle fights, scriptures, bike rides, trips to visit family, hikes, road trips, lego building sessions, church, amusement parks, swimming, vacations, skiing, and many other things.

In all of that my kids still pray for a new mommy almost daily, sometimes even multiple times in a day.  For a while it hurt to hear those prayers but the last while it's been a comfort to hear the words, "and please bless for a new mommy for us and a companion for dada."

The best things in life are worth waiting for and I think when the time is right things will line up and simply happen with the right person and for the right reasons.  You see, I'm kind of a hopeless romantic, one who believes in a loving Heavenly Father, one who believes I will live the majority of my life with a wonderful woman, one who believes my children's prayers will be answered.  I choose to believe in not just good things to come, but the better things and even the best things.

I firmly believe that the best things are yet to come for me and my kids.  So often I have seen things work out when it seemed like they wouldn't.  Miracles are like that and maybe my miracle is around the corner or perhaps me and my kids are someone else's miracle.  Or maybe the best way to think of it is that we are all miracles for each other.

Braden

Waiting for...

Summer is upon us and it's been a fun and busy one so far.  Kids want more trips, more family time, and more fun!  So far we have been to Lagoon a couple of times, traveled to visit cousins, started swimming lessons, had a family reunion, and have had fun with friends and family.  Plans are in the works for piano lessons, more swimming lessons, a Bear Lake trip or two, possibly another Lagoon trip, and who knows what else.

Found this on the back of headstone on Memorial Day.  They must have been a fan!

Just showing off our bellies :)

For some reason they like climbing on top of the car...

At the aquarium for the first time.

Bite sized Becca!

James being cool for the camera.

At James's baptism.

Cousins in age order - 11, 9, 8, 7, 6, 2

Let's work together...

A quick trip to Aggie Ice Cream!

Men in black COVID edition.

On the way to church this Spring.

Memorial Day at my grandmother's grave.

First time on the roller coaster at Lagoon!

After Rattlesnake Rapids at Lagoon for the first time.  It may take a while for them to go again...

Daddy was one and done on this ride but kids love it.

A lift anyone?

Anything James can do Becca can do too.

Picking peas in the morning.

James was eating most of what he picked by the time he was done.

Peacock on the second Lagoon trip.

So happy to see the car!

Cousins at a 4th of July parade.

Creeping closer to the candy!

A snow-cone to cool off after the parade.

James all ready for a nap!

German pancakes with cousins!

Exhausted after a weekend with cousins.

Even Becca needed some sleep!

Waterslide at the family reunion.

Inside at the family reunion.

A trip to Bear Lake for some fun!

Fun kiddos!

A third Lagoon trip with cousins!

A wood puzzle...that took a lot of time!

Helping grandpa with a sprinkler problem.

Plans for me include preparing for a road bike relay ride this fall and enjoying more time with my kids.  I'm also looking forward to getting out more with friends and enjoying their company.  Life can take some interesting and unexpected turns though.

A while back as I was putting the kids to bed and had what you might call a perfect moment, a feeling a pure joy.  Along with it came the realization that I have a really good life with my kids and things could continue on with the three of us on our own and that would be just fine.  Following that thought came a feeling of sadness and wrongness, as if God was letting me know that's not the way things are supposed to be, that there is more in store and other arrangements for me and my kids.  Up until the last two years there was often a longing in my heart for companionship.  Over the last two years it has become less intense to the point that I put far less effort, energy, and thought into dating.  Because of that it was a surprise when the feeling of wrongness and the sense that Heavenly Father wants more than this for me and my kids moved me to tears.

I have tried to show my kids that sometimes people get sad or cry and it's okay to feel and allow those emotions to be expressed appropriately.  Noticing the tears my daughter asked if I was sad and why.  I responded with a very brief explanation of being sad or lonely and my son said, "He missed mommy."  There was an element of missing Karen but most of it was brought on by that sense of wrongness following my thought.  Seeing my kids wanting a mom and hearing them pray every night for a new mommy was also a part.  Saying I was sad or lonely deflected a complicated explanation which I would probably be unable to make to 7 & 8 year old kids.

In the course of this Becca apparently decided she was going to solve the problem and said she could help me find a new mom.  When I asked how her response was, "I can be friendly and ask if they are single.  Then I will ask if they want to marry you and they will say maybe, then they will say yes."  Such innocent optimism!  All of it made me laugh and helped distract me from the emotional rollercoaster I had been on just a few moments before.

As for dating...well it feels like I need to wait for now.  Why or what for, I am not completely sure.  What I am sure of is that Heavenly Father has something in store for me, possibly something I haven't seriously considered or considered at all.  So for now I wait...

Braden

Getting through hard times

It's been almost 5 years since I lost, Karen, my wife of 14 years to cancer after two years of chemo treatments.  This summer it would have been our 20th anniversary.  For a long time being without her each day hurt.  The pain tore at my heart and soul and threatened to consume me.  Many days I broke down and cried because it hurt so much.  Some days I even wished I wasn't around so I didn't have to feel the pain. You could say I tried to escape the pain by making my kiddos my world or distracting myself with books, exercise, music, work, or friends.  Over time I have learned to rely more on God and His Son to help me through.  It has taken effort and it's not an easy road but I keep trying because I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who will wipe away all of my tears and replace sorrow with joy.

Many people wonder how to turn to God or how to keep trying.  I can only speak for myself but I do that by praying to my Heavenly Father at least each morning and night, studying my scriptures to learn about God, taking time to help others (service), finding ways to be grateful (even if all I can be grateful for is a comfortable bed instead of the hard ground), accepting support and help from those around me (being loved and served), and moving forward while doing my best to trust God when I am confused about which direction to go.  Over time I have learned to quiet the negative voices in my own head and to ignore most of the ones outside of it.

In all of this I think of my kids frequently and admire how well they are coping.  There is something about them that is so open to being loved and loving others.  For a few years after my wife passed away I was constantly trying to date and find someone for them and someone for me.  My kids still occasionally ask for a new mom.  Last year in 2020 I went on about half a dozen first dates and I think only one second date.  It's exhausting and more often lately I'm content to be single and just live life with my kids.  Yet they will grow up, go on missions, go away to college, get married, and leave me alone.  Even then I think I will still miss Karen.  Perhaps sometime between now and when they move out I will find someone.  Life often takes unexpected turns and we don't always get what we expect or want.

Even though we don't always get what we want I do know something important.  It's something at first I only wanted to believe, then I believed it, and now I know it.  God loves me and He loves you.  He loves us so much that He sent His only begotten Son to suffer and die for us.  And Jesus Christ loves His Father and us so much that He willingly suffered and died so that we could overcome death, pain, and the sorrows of this world.  Not only that, he wants us to have joy.  God lives and loves each us and because of His Son all of us will live again, which means so will my wife!

Braden

A nice massage :)

Hungry kid ate 3 of those in one sitting!

Just watching some TV chillin'.

When daddy wants to take a nap, everyone wants to!

Fun in the snow!

Helping clean off the car.